Categories
Memorial & Remembrance

A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date

Cluster of Peach Daylilies with Yellow Centers in full bloom against bricks in background, My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide, A Deluge of Feelings: 8 Years of Tears
Peach Daylillies, My Forever Son

A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date

A Deluge of Feelings:Year 8 Memorial Date, deeply personal and emotionally powerful, eloquently captures the author’s experience and emotions with her son’s 8th Year Memorial Date. The vivid descriptions of nature and the juxtaposition of beauty and pain create a poignant narrative. The inclusion of links to additional articles enhances the storytelling, inviting readers to further engage with the author’s journey.

The authentic portrayal of grief and longing is powerful and relatable, providing a sincere connection with the audience. The use of imagery effectively complements the emotional narrative, vividly illustrating the themes and enhancing the readers’ experience.

A Note from the Author

A photo of the author, Beth Brown who has medium length brown hair and green eyes. Her hair is swept across her face and her expression is solemn, reflecting her grief, My Forever Son
Beth Brown, Author, My Forever Son: Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide

In 2015, three years into my journey of grief, I started this blog, My Forever Son, following the heartbreaking loss of my only child, Dylan, who tragically died by suicide at the age of 20 on June 25, 2012. During those years, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss that permeated every aspect of my life, leaving me to navigate a world that seemed impossible without him.

This blog became a sanctuary for my feelings, allowing me to share not only the profound sorrow that accompanied his absence, but also the cherished memories that continue to keep his spirit alive within me. With each post, I aimed to connect with others who might be experiencing similar pain, creating a sense of community where shared stories could bring solace and understanding amidst the chaos of grief.

Peach rose in bloom, My Forever Son, Download 3 Compassionate Poems
Peach Rose in Bloom, Find Hope Here: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide, My Forever Son

In 2019 and 2020, I began to write and share my poems, a deeply personal journey that allowed me to express my emotions and thoughts during one of the most challenging times in my life. These heartfelt pieces reflect the complexities of grief, love, and hope, connecting with others who have faced similar experiences. Some of these poems are featured in Find Hope Here: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide, a compilation where I strive to provide solace and understanding to those who are navigating through their sorrow. Writing became not only a form of catharsis for me but also a way to honor the memory of my loved one, sharing the message that even in the darkest moments, there is a glimmer of hope to be found.

Pink phlox in the shape of a heart on gray rocks beside water pond in early spring, My Forever Son, Beat Still My Heart: Raw Poem on Suicide Loss and Healing
Pink Phlox in Early Spring, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing My Child to Suicide, My Forever Son

I also published a poignant collection, available on Kindle, titled Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing My Child to Suicide. This collection is not just a compilation of verses; it is a heartfelt journey through the darkest moments of grief, providing solace and understanding to those who have faced similar unimaginable loss. Each poem is crafted to resonate with the deep pain of losing a child to suicide, while also offering a glimmer of hope and healing. Each poem shares a unique perspective on grief, weaving together themes of love, remembrance, and the enduring bond that persists even after death. This book is meant to be a comforting resource, helping individuals navigate their emotions and fostering a sense of connection in a time when they may feel utterly alone.

A Cluster of Pink Ground Roses with Yellow centers in full bloom, My Forever Son, About My Forever Son, and 11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe
Pink Ground Roses, 11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe, My Forever Son

I write to heal my grief. 11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe reflects on my emotions as I marked my son’s 11th memorial year; I find myself in a vastly different place compared to those initial, agonizing years of sorrow. Carryi reflects on the author’s journey with losing her son to suicide, a deeply personal and heartbreaking experience that has forever altered her life. This poignant narrative delves into the profound sorrow she feels, capturing the relentless ache that accompanies such a tragic loss. 

Two vibrant red and yellow striped daylillies in mid-summer, My Forever Son, Carrying Ache and Love in Suicide Loss
Red and Yellow Striped Daylilies, Carrying Ache and Love in Suicide Loss, My Forever Son

Carrying Ache and Love in Suicide Loss explores the complexities of grief and love in a world that feels irrevocably changed. The journey highlights her pain and the enduring love she holds for her son, showing how that love shapes her existence despite despair. As she navigates guilt, confusion, and memories, the author invites readers to reflect on the impact of suicide and the universal themes of love and loss.

Author Beth Brown playing her Guild acoustic guitar and writing a song outside on a brick patio, My Forever Son, You're Free Now Child: A Song About Child Loss and Memorial Day: A Mother's Reflection on Loss, Love, and Unimaginable Grief
Beth Brown With Her Guild Acoustic Guitar, Songs of Hope: Healing Through Music, My Forever Son

Additionally, I share Songs of Hope: Healing Through Music in My Forever Son, where I explore how music can serve as a source of comfort and healing during challenging times. This collection emphasizes not only the emotional power of melodies and lyrics but also the profound connections we can build through shared musical experiences.

White Rose surrounded by vibrant green leaves, My Forever Son, A Mother's Heartbreak: Confronting Grief and Depression
White Rose, Living in the Glare of Grief: A Mother’s Poetic Journey, My Forever Son

I have learned to embrace my son’s narrative, the brilliance of his life and the tragedy of his death, which I reflect on in Living in the Glare of Grief: A Mother’s Poetic Journey, for my son’s life bookends my own, chapters of love and loss I carry with me daily. Each page captures his essence—full of dreams, laughter, and light that brightened even the darkest moments. It reminds me of the fleeting nature of existence, urging me to cherish our memories while grappling with the sorrow of his absence. Through poetry, I navigate the feelings of profound grief, honoring his legacy and showing how his story influences my life, guiding me through shadows and illuminating moments of beauty amidst the pain.

Bright red Zinnia surrounded by green leaves, My Forever Son, Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide, My Forever Son
Red Zinnia in Summer Bloom, Finding Hope, Healing, and Resilience in Nature, My Forever Son

Finding Hope, Healing, and Resilience in Nature is a captivating exploration that showcases the vibrant beauty of the diverse flowers blooming in my gardens, each one a testament to nature’s resilience. These blossoms, in their myriad colors and shapes, not only bring joy but also serve as symbols of hope. As the seasons change, the gardens transform, inviting meditation and reflection, while reinforcing the importance of nature in our healing journeys.



My Forever Son

Delicate Pink and White Weeping Cherry Blossoms, My Forever Son, Find Hope Here: Poems About Love, Loss, and Losing a Child; and Sorrow Buried in Love: Coping with Child Loss

My Forever Son explores the profound grief, hope, and healing that follow the tragedy of losing a child to suicide.

My Forever Son dovetails the author’s journey of descending into deep grief, searching for hope, and finding healing along the way.


Resources for Support and Healing

Key Resources for Understanding Suicide

The articles below include key resources for understanding suicide and coping with grief. They offer compassionate guidance. Notably, the “Rain Comes to Heal Us All” Poem: Finding Hope After Loss, provides solace. Grief involves stigma, guilt, and various emotions from anger to relief.

Research indicates that suicide is not a conscious choice, necessitating a non-judgmental emotional healing approach. Support groups and educational materials empower survivors, fostering community connections.

The content includes the author’s story of losing her child, emotional support resources, insights on suicide, grief duration discussions, and resources for bereaved parents.

A stack of books related to grief and suicide, featuring titles like 'The Worst Loss' and 'Suicide: Survivors'. A coffee mug is partially visible in the foreground, with green plants in the background, Support for Parents Grieving a Child’s Suicide, My Forever Son
A selection of supportive literature addressing the grief and healing process for parents after losing a child to suicide, Healing After Suicide: Essential Books for Parents My Forever Son

Healing After Suicide: Essential Books for Parents

Close-up of a yellow orchid flower next to a rain-covered window, with a view of a wet landscape outside, symbolizing growth and reflection amidst sorrow, Understanding Suicide: It's Not a Choice, My Forever Son
A serene view from a window featuring a blooming orchid and a rainy landscape outside, symbolizing growth and reflection amidst sorrow, Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice, My Forever Son

Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice

Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice explores the emotional complexities surrounding suicide, challenging the notion that it is a choice. Dr. John Ackerman highlights the myriad factors influencing suicidal thoughts, emphasizing that individuals often seek relief from overwhelming pain rather than wanting to end their lives. This piece encourages empathy and awareness, making it essential reading for those wanting to support loved ones in distress.

Close-up of a vibrant yellow flower with intricate petals and green foliage in the background, symbolizing hope and healing in the context of grief and loss, Healing After Suicide Loss: Essential Resources and Support, My Forever Son
A vibrant yellow flower surrounded by green leaves, symbolizing hope and healing in the context of grief and loss, Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide, Support, Resources, and Self-Care for Bereaved Parents, My Forever Son

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: Support, Resources, and Self-Care for Bereaved Parents

Close-up of red and green leaves, showcasing the vibrant autumn colors in nature.
A vivid display of red leaves intertwined with green foliage, symbolizing the journey of grief and healing, Surviving Suicide Grief: Does the Pain Ever End?, My Forever Son

Surviving Suicide Grief: Does the Pain Ever End?

Surviving Suicide Grief: Does the Pain Ever End? offers a compassionate look at and attempts to response to one of the most profound challenges of longterm grief after suicide loss: Does the pain of losing a child to suicide is profound and never fully goes away, but it does change and become a part of one’s life. Finding support through counseling, support groups, and connecting with others who have experienced similar losses is crucial for healing. Grief is a journey with seasons that come and go, and it is possible to learn to live with the pain while honoring the love for the lost child.

To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to be here and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain does change, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoy life again. It will never be like before but the crushing, all consuming pain you feel right now will soften. You will be able to live with it. It just becomes part of you.

A parent who lost their child to suicide


A woman kneeling in front of a gravestone marked 'SON' in a cemetery, appearing emotional while holding her head in one hand. The background features multiple gravestones, highlighting the profound pain of loss, My Forever Son, Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: "When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched"
A grieving mother at her son’s grave, highlighting the profound pain of loss, My Forever Son, Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched”

Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched”

Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched” features Ronald Rolheiser’s writings on suicide which offer a compassionate and spiritual perspective, emphasizing that suicide is often a tragic consequence of mental illness, not a voluntary act. He encourages loved ones to release guilt and second-guessing, understanding that they are not responsible for the person’s death. Rolheiser also highlights the importance of remembering the deceased’s life beyond their suicide, trusting in God’s infinite love and understanding.


A young person with long hair, wearing a denim jacket over a red shirt, looking pensively towards the ground, with a blurred background of trees and buildings, Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters, My Forever Son
A young person reflecting in a somber environment, embodying the emotional complexities of grief and understanding related to suicide, Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters

Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters

Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters explores the pain and grief surrounding suicide, emphasizing that it is not a conscious choice but a desperate attempt to escape unbearable suffering. The article highlights current research, personal stories, and compassionate support for those struggling with depression and mental health, aiming to break the stigma surrounding suicide. It provides resources and insights into the complexities of grief and the journey towards healing.


A contemplative young woman with long hair, resting her chin on her hands, illuminated by soft light and shadows,  reflecting the complexities of grief and loss discussed in the article on coping with a child's suicide, The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief, My Forever Son
A contemplative young woman expresses deep emotions, reflecting the complexities of grief and loss discussed in the article on coping with a child’s suicide, The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief, My Forever Son

The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief

The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief, recounts the author’s harrowing experience of losing her son to suicide. Her story highlights her grief, guilt, and the healing power of writing. The blog “My Forever Son” came about as a way for the author to work through this devastating grief that follows the loss of a child to suicide. My Forever Son blog serves as a platform for sharing experiences and finding healing and solace in community.

Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief

These Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief offer invaluable support for parents grappling with the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. Rich in compassion and understanding, they provide personal narratives, expert insights on grief, and essential strategies for healing.

A close-up of a vibrant pink flower surrounded by green leaves, placed against a backdrop of textured foliage, Navigating Grief: Support for Parents After Suicide, My Forever Son
A vibrant pink flower surrounded by lush green foliage, symbolizing hope and healing amidst grief, My Forever Son, Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources provides a compassionate guide to support parents through the pain of losing a child to suicide. It explores the journey of grief, the importance of support networks, and self-care during this difficult time. The guide offers suggestions for honoring a child’s memory, creating a meaningful legacy to provide solace amidst heartache.

A decorative lion statue sitting on a stone surface, surrounded by fallen leaves, symbolizing strength and courage, surrounded by autumn leaves, Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide, My Forever Son
A serene lion statue, symbolizing strength and courage, surrounded by autumn leaves, Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide, My Forever Son

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt exploration of the overwhelming emotions that parents face after the tragic loss of a child to suicide. It delicately unravels the deep feelings of grief, guilt, and despair that can engulf those grappling with such an unimaginable sorrow. Through intimate personal stories and touching quotes, it provides a compassionate perspective that aims to comfort and support parents on their difficult healing journey.

A close-up of a person's hand holding a pen while writing on a sheet of paper, with a blurred background emphasizing the reflection and processing of emotions during the grief journey, Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn't Save My Son, My Forever Son
A person writing on a piece of paper, emphasizing the reflection and processing of emotions during the grief journey, Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son, My Forever Son

Self-Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son

Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son is a deeply emotional narrative that explores feelings of self-blame and guilt after the loss of a son. This poignant story guides readers through the tumultuous emotions parents face, sharing the author’s deep sorrow and questioning what could have been done differently. It emphasizes the need for support and understanding during the arduous healing journey.

Close-up of vibrant red roses surrounded by lush green leaves, symbolizing beauty and resilience, "That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back": Guilt in Grief Poem
A close-up view of vibrant red roses amidst lush green leaves, symbolizing the beauty and complexity of emotions in grief, “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Guilt in Grief Poem, My Forever Son

“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief

“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief is a powerful poem that reflects the overwhelming “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” guilt parents experience after losing a child to suicide. The poetic language directly addresses the haunting “What If?” and “Why Didn’t I See?” questions that plague those left behind, emphasizing the helplessness and regret that linger after such a tragic loss. The poem serves as a conduit for healing and self-forgiveness, exploring the possibility of moving beyond guilt and embracing acceptance, allowing love to shine through even the darkest of times.

Close-up of vibrant red and yellow leaves on a tree, set against a clear blue sky, symbolizing change and reflection amid the journey of grief, My Forever Son, Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: "Still from Sky I'm Falling"
Vibrant autumn leaves symbolizing change and reflection amid the journey of grief, My Forever Son, Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling”

Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling”

Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling” is a poignant poem that captures the intense emotions of grief and guilt after losing a child to suicide. The verses convey heartbreak and the struggle to find solace, using nature as a symbol for the grief journey. Vivid imagery of hawks circling above parallels feelings of despair, evoking a sense of helplessness in processing pain. Every line resonates with the weight of memories and the ache of loss, inviting readers to reflect on their own experiences with grief.



Beautiful Good As Gold Tea Hybrid Rose with Yellow and Pink Petals surrounded by lush, green foliage against a stone wall, My Forever Son, A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date
Good as Gold Rose, My Forever Son

A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date

Joy in the Offing

To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to be here and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain does change, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoy
life again. It will never be like before but the crushing, all consuming pain you feel right now will soften. You will be able to live with it. It just becomes part of you.

A Bereaved Mother

June in the Midwest

June in the Midwest can be gorgeous, the grandeur of spring flowers and trees still in full bloom cascading into the full blooming of early summer’s finest flowers. Roses of all colors. Tea Hybrids and climbing roses, ground roses and double-knockout varieties opening blooms. Flowers and magnolia blossoms wafting their perfume. Cottonwood trees sending forth wispy air balloons that look and sift like snow. Perennials welcoming summer sunshine. And finally, annuals can be planted without risk of a late spring frost.

pink roses surrounded by green leaves of the rose bush, My Forever Son, A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date
Pink Roses in Twos, My Forever Son

A Deluge of Feelings Rains Down

Cloud Bursts and A Deluge

And the rains come too. Sometimes in a deluge that can leave puddles and spit mulch from around the flower beds. Sometimes in short bursts—cloud bursts. Sometimes for days where all is amuck and even flowers cast their blooms downward out sheer pressure of the heavy pelting of rain.

Yellow Orchid looking out a window to rain puddles outside, My Forever Son, A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date
Rain and Yellow Orchids, My Forever Son

Reflections on the Year 8 Memorial Date

Together in Symmetry

And both of these—the beautiful sunshine under blue skies and the rainy days filled with puddles and mud—work in symmetry to create the June landscape and backdrop I call home. Home where I live. Home where Dylan and I lived. Home that houses as much brilliance as darkness, as much joy as weeping.

White Dogwood Petals with Pink Centers Against Vivid Blue Sky, in June,  My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide, A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date
White Dogwood Against Blue Sky, My Forever Son

Even When the Rains Come

The Deluge Descends

And maybe June is special because here in the Midwest, we have many more gray days than sunny ones. In June, we get drenched in sunshine, even when the rains come, because the gray is less than permeable. I wrote a poem about both the brilliance of June and the dread I feel approaching Dylan’s memorial date, If Earth Were Sky and Sky Above.

But mostly, I approach Memorial Dates with dread.

May and Mother’s Day begin my march forward toward a day I’d like to send into exile, a date in time I’d like to eradicate from the map of my existence and Dylan’s. A day I don’t want to happen because it means I have to lose my son all over again.

Beth Brown, My Forever Son, The Unbearable Ache of Memorial Dates

Marching into Exile: Entering His Memorial Month

Time Feels Suspended

It has been 8 years since I lost Dylan, yet June 25 now feels exactly like it did on June 25, 2012. It has since that fateful calendar date changed my life in 2012. June 25 probably always will feel harsh. May and Mother’s Day begin my march forward toward a day I’d like to send into exile, a date in time I’d like to eradicate from the map of my existence and Dylan’s. A day I don’t want to happen because it means I have to lose my son all over again.

The days leading up to June 25 feel both slowed down and accelerated all the while suspended. There’s no easy way to come down on his memorial date. (Read More: When Grief Lingers-A Letter to my Son)

There is only excruciating pain. Feeling overwhelmed. Wanting time to stop because then there won’t be a knock on my door at 4:00 a.m., a deputy sheriff and two others standing gawking, a plastic bag with Dylan’s cell phone and wallet.

Words Spoken that Cannot Be Taken Back

There won’t be words spoken that cannot be taken back: “Your son had some convulsions, and he didn’t make it.” A lifetime to make him and his death announced in less than a few seconds. Read More: About Dylan and Remembering Dylan: Twenty Years.

Wanting Desperately to Change the Outcome

Desperate dreams try to problem-solve: How can it be that my only child, my beautiful, barely but 20-year-old son is dead? How and Dear God why? Why did I let that happen? How did I let this happen? Is it something I made happen? Something I didn’t do?

And yet I know Dylan’s death wasn’t about me, that his last words to me on June 24, 2012 were “I love you too Mom” And yet—And yet— And yet—

The Deluge Pours Down on Me

I hate memorial dates. Didn’t want to wake up today. If I just don’t wake up on June 25th, then surely my son is, just as always, here. Here. With me.

I hate having to walk back through this flood of pain between June 25th and June 29th, the day of his funeral. After eight years, I want to find more hope and less pain. I wrote a poem about hope: Rain Comes to Heal Us All.

Looking at Rain in Hemlocks through a window, photographed for My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide, A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date
Rain, Rain, Infinite Rain, My Forever Son

Rain, Rain, Infinite Rain: A Day of Remembrance

Year 8 Memorial Date Arrives with Much Consternation

Year 8 Memorial Date: I hate June 24th for being the last day I ever saw Dylan alive.

Living in the Surreal Beauty of June and the Sheering Pain of Losing My Son

June here today is breathtakingly beautiful. Perfectly temperate, mid 70’s, beautiful blue skies and sun. All is green and growing. Life vibrant and reverberating everywhere in the songbirds’ calls and the neighbors out walking. Everywhere there is life. But I cannot find my own.

I lost who I was on June 25th, 2012, and while I’ve sought so hard to redeem what is left of me, to live resiliently in the wake of my son’s death, I find myself paper-thin today, able to be whisked away on even the gentlest of winds, even in the kindest of days, even in the midst of brilliant blue skies and sunshine.

Pandemic Isolates in Year 8 Memorial Date

My heart breaks a million times over and over again, and in the midst of social isolation, not even being able to have the most precious connection of being able to receive hugs. My mother lives 2 streets away, but I haven’t hugged her since early March. She holds Dylan’s memories, knows the pain of losing Dylan, sees the ongoing struggles and grief of her daughter, and my sister lives a bit out of town, but still close enough for all of us to have gathered for lunch and to talk, and most importantly, to hug.

Water Pond with Pink Water Lilies with Hemlocks in Background and foliage in foreground, My Forever Son, A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date
Water Pond and Pink Water Lilies, My Forever Son

Celebrating Laughter and Cherished Memories : Year 8 Memorial Day

Remembering Laughter

I remember General Tso’s chicken and fortune cookies. The Chinese Lantern restaurant with its cloth table cloth and ornate decor. Double Dragon restaurant. Seat-in or take-out in Styrofoam boxes. Cups of won-ton soup and Dylan laughing. Dylan with us. Dylan a part of us.

Dylan loved General Tso’s chicken. For each of these enormously impossible memorial dates I’ve had to travel through (2012 until now), my mom, sister, and I have gathered to eat at one of our local Chinese restaurants. In June of 2013, we gathered to remember Dylan by eating at his favorite restaurant. It was his first-year memorial date. Later that evening after a lengthy day of rain with the sun suddenly bursting though in the evening, my mom and sister called me to tell to look outside. I did and a gorgeous rainbow stretched across the sky.

On June 25, 2014, Dylan’s two-year memorial date, my mom, sister, and I gathered yet again to remember Dylan’s favorite restaurant. Again and later that evening, Mom and my sister called to tell me to look outside. A double rainbow arced across the sky.

Rainbow in the distance with lush, green foliage in the foreground, My Forever Son, A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date
Hope Captured in a Rainbow, My Forever Son

Memorial Dates Keep Coming

The Years Churn On

The years continue to turn, sometimes predictably (spring, summer, fall, winter), sometimes completely off-course (pandemic during the winter, spring, summer, fall of 2020 and yet still into 2021), and always with preordained calendar dates (Easter, Christmas, Halloween, Labor Day, Memorial Day). I hate that my calendar now includes the memorial date of my son, but I can’t undo what’s already been done.

I am alone today. (June 25, 2020 and in lock-down during the pandemic). It hurts to be alone. I have a little white cat who adores me and keeps me going on the roughest of days, but oh how I miss hugs. And oh how terribly much I miss Dylan’s hugs. And Dylan’s love. And Dylan’s laugh.

I miss my son.

black and white photograph of Dylan Brown, 18 years old, staring into the camera with a graffiti background, My Forever Son, Regret After Suicide Loss, That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back
Dylan, My Forever Son

Professional Resources

Professional Resources and Support

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is a compassionate nonprofit organization devoted to saving lives and offering hope to individuals and families impacted by the profound pain of suicide.



Beth Brown, Author

A close-up portrait of a smiling woman with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing a light blue denim shirt, set against a blurred outdoor background.
Beth Brown, author and educator, sharing her journey of healing through poetry after the loss of her son

About the Author

Beth Brown is a writer, educator, and bereaved mother who shares her journey of healing after losing her only son, Dylan, to suicide. Through poetry, essays, and her blog My Forever Son, Beth offers comfort and hope to others navigating grief, honoring the enduring bond between parent and child and celebrating the small joys that illuminate the path toward healing.

Meet the Author: Writing Through the Abyss

by Beth Brown

There are places that cannot be mapped, only entered—terrains of loss where language falters and the heart, stripped of its certainties, must learn to speak again. I am Beth Brown, a mother whose son, Dylan, died by suicide at twenty. My life, once measured by the ordinary rhythms of teaching literature and nurturing a child, was pierced in two: before and after. In the aftermath, I found myself wandering a wilderness where time bent, memory ached, and the world’s colors dimmed to the hush of grief.

On baby’s breath and angel wings,
You bring me love yet still,
— “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings”

I did not choose to become a chronicler of sorrow, but grief, relentless and unbidden, pressed its ink into my hands. I wrote because I could not bear the silence. I wrote because the ache demanded witness. In poetry, I found a way to hold both the weight of absence and the persistence of love—a language for the unspeakable, a vessel for memory, a place where my son’s name could still be spoken.

He left too soon,
Lifting life from June,
Casting torrents of rain.
“He Left Too Soon”

There are nights when the world tilts, and I am returned to the moment of loss, the fracture that remade me. Yet even in the deepest dark, I have learned to listen for the faint music of hope, the pulse of love that endures beyond death.

Beat still my heart,
Beat still my mind,
Weary though thou art,
Carry his love along with thine,
Though heavy on thy shoulders
Crost fields throughout all time.
“Beat Still My Heart”

My poems are not answers. They are offerings—fragments of a life lived in the shadow of absence, pieced together with longing and the fierce, unyielding devotion of a mother’s heart. They are the record of a journey through the labyrinth of grief, where each turn reveals both the ache of what is lost and the quiet radiance of what remains.

My child sleeps in a cradle of stars,
Gently rocked by the moon
Lullabies in his heart,
Heavens in galaxies swirl round to the sound
Of a mother and child’s love beating on.

Meteor showers, on the darkest of nights,
Bring comfort and joy to my child’s delight,
Aurora Borealis tints sky blue and green,
Where my child remembers his mother in dreams.

–“Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”

There are questions that haunt the bereaved: Could I have known? Could I have saved you? The mind circles these unanswerable riddles, but the heart, battered and tender, learns to rest in the mystery.

I’d have reached right in to your dark night’s soul—
I would have held on, I would have clutched you,
I would have never let you go
But you told me “Mom I love you”
Oh my child, if I’d only known.
“Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon”

In the landscape of loss, I have discovered that love is not diminished by death. It is transformed—becoming both ache and solace, shadow and light, the filament that binds the living to the lost.

Body, mind, soul, rough and ragged,
Weeping tears falling still throughout time,
Carrying weight of mourning and grieving
Falling broken when thou wert mine.
“Beat Still My Heart”

I write for those who walk this wilderness with me—for the mothers and fathers, siblings and friends, whose lives have been marked by the unthinkable. My hope is that in these poems, you will find not only the echo of your own sorrow, but also the quiet assurance that you are not alone.

Starlight for a mobile twinkling ‘ere so bright,
To remember his mother that darkest of nights,
When slipped he from her grasp and fell through this earth,
Tumbling still planets, sun, folding time in rebirth.
— “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”

That we might understand we cannot separate mental illness from physical illness and that try as we might, we cannot see inside another’s pain.

–“Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand”

And how my heart keeps on beating
Is a mystery to all,
For without you beside me
Through life’s depth I crawl
.

I live now life backwards
My heart beating in time,
To the life that we lived
When you, child, were mine.

Try as I might
I can’t seem to live,
For my dreams all belonged,
To your future forward lived.

“Bury My Heart”

If you have come here searching for words to companion your grief, I welcome you. My poetry is not a map, but a lantern—casting light on the path we walk, together and alone, toward a horizon where love, undiminished, endures.

But boughs break and love falls through the cracks in the earth,
And the centre can’t hold when orbits, slung far, break their girth,
Gravitational interference, passing stars in the night,
Jetting orbs, falling stars in a moonless sky.
“Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”

Grief is wild—untamed, unending, and full of shadows. Yet within its depths, I have found moments of light: a memory, a poem, the gentle rustle of leaves, the warmth of a cup of tea. My words are both ache and love, a testament that even in the deepest sorrow, we can find meaning, connection, and—sometimes—hope. Through poetry, I reach for my son and for all who walk this path. If you find yourself here, know that you are not alone, and that love—like poetry—endures.


If you wish to read more, my collection, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide is available on Amazon Kindle. and many other reflections await you at myforeverson.com.

Bury My Heart

Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide

The Story of My Forever Son

A vibrant red rose in full bloom surrounded by green leaves, symbolizing beauty and remembrance, My Forever Son, The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother's Grief
A vibrant red rose blooming amidst green leaves, symbolizing love and remembrance, My Forever Son, What Happened? The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief

What Happened? The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief

I started this blog, My Forever Son: Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide in 2015, three years into my journey of grief. You can read more about what happened here: The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief recounts the author’s harrowing experience of losing her son to suicide. Her story highlights her grief, guilt, and the healing power of writing, especially through works like the “If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above)” poem: reflections on love and loss. The blog “My Forever Son” came about as a way for the author to work through this devastating grief that follows the loss of a child to suicide. My Forever Son blog serves as a platform for sharing experiences and finding healing and solace in community.

A close-up of peach-colored flowers surrounded by vibrant green leaves, showcasing nature's beauty.
Delicate coral flowers surrounded by lush green leaves, symbolizing the beauty and resilience of nature amidst grief, My Forever Son, Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing

Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing

Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing offers a heartfelt collection of poems that deeply resonate with the profound sorrow of parents who have experienced the unimaginable pain of losing a child to suicide. These poignant verses navigate the intense emotions of this tragic loss, beautifully capturing the stages of grief while gently guiding readers towards hope and healing on their journey through grief.

A large magnolia tree in full bloom with pink flowers, surrounded by a grassy area covered in fallen petals, A majestic magnolia tree in full bloom, , My Forever Son, The Magnolia Tree: A Symbol of Grief and Resilience,
A majestic magnolia tree in full bloom, symbolizing resilience and beauty amidst grief, The Magnolia Tree: A Symbol of Grief and Resilience, My Forever Son

The Magnolia Tree: A Symbol of Grief and Resilience

A close-up of colorful fallen leaves, primarily featuring large red leaves amidst shades of pink and brown, resting on the ground, symbolizing the beauty and transience of nature, My Forever Son, Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief
A close-up of vibrant red and purple leaves scattered on the ground, symbolizing the beauty and transience of nature, My Forever Son, Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief

Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief

Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief compassionately delves into the profound challenges of navigating the grief that follows a suicide. The author, who has experienced the heart-wrenching loss of her son, shares her deeply moving personal journey, offering comfort and understanding to those who find themselves in similar anguish. This heartfelt post not only shares her story but also provides a thoughtful collection of articles and professional resources, aimed at helping parents cope with the unimaginable pain of losing a child to suicide.

A woman with a pained expression rests her head in her hands, conveying deep emotional distress capturing the profound emotions associated with loss and healing, Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent's Guide, My Forever Son
A woman reflecting on her grief, capturing the profound emotions associated with loss and healing, Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide, My Forever Son

Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide

Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide offers a gentle and understanding perspective on the complex emotions that emerge after the devastating loss of a loved one through suicide, particularly from the vantage point of parents.This guide thoughtfully addresses the overwhelming and often contradictory feelings of grief, guilt, and sorrow that can envelop parents navigating such profound heartache.

A close-up of a blooming orange rose, surrounded by green leaves, with water droplets on the petals, symbolizing love and remembrance, Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: A Guide for Parents, My Forever Son
A delicate orange rose embodying beauty and resilience, symbolizing love and remembrance, Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: A Guide for Parents, My Forever Son

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: A Guide for Parents

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: A Guide for Parents gently supports parents navigating the profound sorrow of losing a child to suicide. This heartfelt article acknowledges the intense grief that such a tragedy brings and offers compassionate guidance on finding a way forward. The healing strategies shared emphasize self-care and the importance of seeking professional help, while inviting parents to connect with others who understand their pain.


Close-up of coral pink flowers with delicate petals and green leaves, showcasing nature's beauty, symbolizing love and remembrance, Carrying Ache and Love: Healing Longterm Grief in Suicide Loss, My Forever Son
A vibrant display of peach-colored flowers, symbolizing love and remembrance, Carrying Ache and Love: Healing Longterm Grief in Suicide Loss, My Forever Son

Carrying Ache and Love: Healing Longterm Grief in Suicide Loss

Scenic view of a river flowing through a forested area with mountains in the background, under a clear blue sky, symbolizing peace and reflection in the journey of grief, When Love Isn't Enough: "Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand," My Forever Son
A serene landscape featuring a calm river surrounded by lush green trees and majestic mountains, symbolizing peace and reflection in the journey of grief, When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand,” My Forever Son

When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand”

When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand,” explores the difficult topic of suicide through the touching treatise, “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand,” which challenges the idea that it is just a choice. This meaningful work discusses the certainty of death, no matter the cause, and the limits of love in preventing such loss. Beth Brown, who wrote both the treatise and this article, shares her personal journey of grief after losing her son to suicide, finding comfort in writing and nature photography.

Meet Dylan, My Forever Son

A young man with long hair, wearing a black 'Ibanez' graphic t-shirt, sitting on a staircase and smiling, My Forever Son, Twenty Years of Love: Dylan
A joyful moment captured of Dylan, radiating happiness while seated outdoors, My Forever Son, Twenty Years of Love: Dylan

Twenty Years of Love: Dylan

Twenty Years of Love: Dylan offers a poignant exploration of grief and loss, blending together cherished memories and reflections on Dylan’s life. The emotional resonance of this piece is deeply felt, beautifully portraying both the love and sorrow that the author carries in their heart. The thoughtful inclusion of links to further readings about Dylan and resources for support is a compassionate touch that adds immense value to those who may be navigating similar journeys.


A pathway lined with greenery and scattered fallen leaves, creating a tranquil and reflective atmosphere, symbolizing the journey of grief and remembrance, Walking through Shadows: Surviving the Unthinkable Loss of a Child to Suicide, My Forever Son
A serene pathway lined with fallen leaves, symbolizing the journey of grief and remembrance, Walking through Shadows: Surviving the Unthinkable Loss of a Child to Suicide, My Forever Son

Walking Through Shadows: Surviving the Unthinkable Loss of a Child to Suicide

Walking through Shadows: Surviving the Unthinkable Loss of a Child to Suicide offers a deeply moving and heartfelt narrative that illuminates the unimaginable pain of losing a child to suicide. The personal stories shared create a sincere and unfiltered glimpse into the heavy journey of grief and the gradual path toward healing. Through poignant reflections and a poetic exploration on grief, the author navigates the chaotic emotions that accompany such a catastrophic event, revealing both the struggles and the moments of unexpected solace that can emerge even in the darkest times.


A close-up image of a lion statue sitting on a stone surface, surrounded by red fallen leaves, symbolizing strength and remembrance in the context of cherished memories, I Want It All Back: Remembering Dylan, My Forever Son
A serene lion statue surrounded by fallen leaves, symbolizing strength and remembrance in the context of cherished memories, My Forever Son, I Want It All Back: Remembering Dylan, My Forever Son

I Want It All Back: Remembering Dylan, My Forever Son

I Want It All Back: Remembering Dylan, My Forever Son lovingly encapsulates the profound heartache and cherished memories tied to the author’s beloved son, Dylan. Through heartfelt imagery and poignant personal stories, it invites readers to share in an emotional journey that resonates deeply, fostering a compassionate understanding of loss and love.


Vibrant deep-red autumn leaves showcasing shades of red and green, symbolizing the beauty of change and memory, My Forever Son
Vibrant autumn leaves showcasing shades of red and green, symbolizing the beauty of change and memory, My Forever Son, I Want to Believe: Searching for Hope After Losing My Son to Suicide

I Want to Believe: Searching for Hope After Losing My Son to Suicide

I Want to Believe: Searching for Hope After Losing My Son to Suicide is a heartfelt collection of personal reflections and cherished memories that navigates the profound journey of grief and hope following the heartbreaking loss of a son to suicide. The rawness of the emotions is deeply felt, drawing readers into a shared space of empathy. Through vivid descriptions and nostalgic elements, the work evokes a sense of connection and understanding, while the stunning images inspire hope and healing amidst the sorrow.


A black and white photo of a woman, a mother,  sitting on the floor, tenderly holding and smiling at a young child dressed in striped overalls. A birthday cake with a candle sits in front of them, decorated with the name 'Dylan', My Forever Son, Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered
A tender moment between a mother and her joyful child, celebrating cherished memories of Dylan’s early years, My Forever Son, Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered in Our Hearts

Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered in Our Hearts

Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered in Our Hearts invites readers into the heart/h-wrenching yet beautifully profound journey of a mother’s grief after the devastating loss of her beloved 20-year-old son, Dylan, who tragically died by suicide. Through a heartfelt collection of original poems and personal reflections, she courageously shares the painful complexities of her sorrow, the small moments of hope that emerged, and her ongoing path toward healing.


Heartfelt Stories and Poems of Love and Loss

A single red rose resting on a bed of white flowers, symbolizing love and remembrance, symbolizing love and remembrance, “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” Poem: Grieving a Child’s Suicide, My Forever Son
A vibrant red rose resting on delicate white flowers of Baby’s Breath, symbolizing love and remembrance, “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” Poem: Grieving a Child’s Suicide, My Forever Son

“On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” Poem: Grieving a Child’s Suicide

“On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” Poem: Grieving a Child’s Suicide delves into the deep, heart-wrenching sorrow of losing a child to suicide. This poignant piece not only articulates the immense pain of such a loss but also provides vital resources to navigate the challenging journey of grief. With tender personal reflections and thoughtful coping strategies, the post and poem, “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” serves as a compassionate companion for those who are enduring similar heartaches. 

A family gathering at a beautifully set table, featuring candles and a vase of pink roses, reflecting moments of love, loss, and healing, My Forever Son, A Grandmother’s Love Held Together the Family Table

A Grandmother’s Love Held Together the Family Table

A Grandmother’s Love Held Together the Family Table chronicles a family’s journey through the loss of their beloved son, Dylan. This tragedy alters their connections, turning a joyful gathering space into one of reflection. The narrative captures the struggle between despair and acceptance, underscoring love’s enduring power amidst heartache. In honoring Dylan’s memory, they find unexpected joy in their grief, illustrating the resilience of the human spirit in the face of loss.

A close-up of a golden puppy with soft fur and expressive eyes, sitting on a bed of pine needles, wearing a blue collar and leash, Grandparents' Double Grief: Losing a Grandchild to Suicide
A fluffy puppy sitting outdoors, embodying innocence and companionship, My Forever Son, Grandparents’ Double Grief: Losing a Grandchild to Suicide

Grandparents’ Double Grief: Losing a Grandchild to Suicide

Grandparents’ Double Grief: Losing a Grandchild to Suicide gently delves into the profound and heart-wrenching sorrow experienced by grandparents who endure the unimaginable loss of their grandchild. This painful journey envelops them in a dual mourning, as they grieve not only the precious life that is gone but also the shattered dreams and cherished memories that will sorrowfully remain unrealized for their own child, the grieving parent.

A mother sitting beside her son in a hospital bed, expressing concern and sadness as he sleeps, and embodying the pain and hope intertwined with the journey of healing and survival, My Forever Son
A mother watches over her son in a hospital bed, embodying the pain and hope intertwined with the journey of healing and survival, My Forever Son, Memorial Day: A Mother’s Reflection on Loss, Love, and Unbearable Tragedy

Memorial Day: A Mother’s Reflection on Loss, Love, and Unbearable Tragedy

Memorial Day: A Mother’s Reflection on Loss, Love, and Unbearable Tragedy beautifully captures the deep sorrow and unwavering love a mother feels for her son. The author bravely shares her heartfelt journey, navigating the immense pain and heartbreak tied to her son’s fourth suicide attempt on Memorial Day. Through her poignant narrative, she reveals the complex layers of a mother’s grief, intricately woven with fleeting moments of hope that resonate powerfully with anyone who is facing loss.

Close-up of a soft white peony flower with delicate pink accents, symbolizing beauty and remembrance, My Forever Son, “Shaped by Love and This Grief Come to Stay" A Poem on Suicide Loss
A close-up of a delicate white flower with soft pink accents, symbolizing beauty and remembrance, My Forever Son, Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love” Poem Analysis

“Shaped by Love–And This Grief Come to Stay”: A Poem on Suicide Loss

Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love” Poem Analysis explores the profound sorrow a parent endures after losing a child to suicide. It addresses themes of grief and guilt, highlighting the heavy shadow such a tragedy casts on life. This poignant narrative captures a parent’s transformative journey in the wake of their child’s absence, revealing emotions of shame while confronting societal stigma surrounding suicide. With compassion and insight, the poem resonates with anyone who has faced similar heart-wrenching experiences.

A vibrant yellow rose symbolizing love and remembrance, My Forever Son, 11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe
A vibrant yellow rose symbolizing love and remembrance, My Forever Son, 11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe

11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe

11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe powerfully conveys the depths of my unyielding grief and a relentless yearning for my beloved son, Dylan, whose vibrant spirit was tragically stolen by suicide eleven heart-wrenching years ago at merely twenty. As my only child, his absence has carved an immense void in my soul, reshaping every facet of my life while perpetually stirring the cherished memories of the beautiful moments we once savored together.



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Red Rose in June, Mr. Lincoln Hybrid Red Rose, My Forever Son, A Mother's Reflections After Losing My Son to Suicide

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By Beth Brown

Musician. Writer. Literary Connoisseur. Always writing, scribbling poetry, turning feelings into words. "Break my heart even further" can't ever be done, for I lost my heart the night I lost my son. Come find me writing at My Forever Son: Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide.

At the whim of Most Beloved Cat, I write as she tattles on the garden cats. Find Most Beloved Cat sharing her stories at Gardens at Effingham: Where Cats Tell the Tales

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