“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” Poem
Key Takeaways
- ‘That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back’ is a poignant grief poem by Beth Brown, expressing guilt and regret in grief after the loss of her son to suicide.
- The poem captures haunting questions like ‘What If?’ and ‘Why Didn’t I See?’, reflecting the emotional turmoil of grieving parents.
- Brown uses vivid imagery and personal anecdotes to convey the deep sorrow of her experience, inviting readers into her grief journey.
- The phrase ‘sweep time back’ symbolizes a parent’s desire to undo the past and highlights the overwhelming burden of guilt following a child’s suicide.
- This heartfelt piece is part of the collection ‘Bury My Heart: 19 Poems For Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide’, available on Amazon Kindle.
Summary
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back,”a poignant grief poem by Beth Brown, explores the profound guilt and sorrow parents experience after losing a child to suicide. The poem delves into the haunting questions of “What If?” and “Why Didn’t I See?”, capturing the deep sorrow of the grieving journey. Through vivid imagery and personal anecdotes, the poem offers insight into the author’s experience with loss and the struggle to find healing.
Authored by Beth Brown, the voice behind the My Forever Son blog, this poignant poem and reflection on guilt in grief after suicide loss is featured in the collection Bury My Heart: 19 Poems For Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide, available on Amazon Kindle.
Introduction
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” poem delves into the guilt in grief parents feel after the tragic loss of a child to suicide. It resonates with the emotional anguish and haunting questions of “What If?” and “Why Didn’t I See?” capturing the deep sorrow of their grieving journey. Each line of the poem conveys grief, inviting readers to experience the despair of losing a child to suicide while suggesting love can illuminate dark moments.
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” poem provides intimate insight into the author’s experience with loss, using vivid imagery to express the tidal wave of emotions that follow such a tragic event.The use of poetry, personal anecdotes, and resources for support not only amplifies the author’s voice but also creates a strong connection with the audience, inviting them to explore their own feelings and struggles with loss.
A Note from the Author
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” is a poem of love and loss that comes from grappling with heavy feelings of guilt, self-blame and regret after losing my only child, my 20-year-old son, to suicide. That relentless, endless cycle of guilt and self-blame consumed me in early grief. Those “What if?” thoughts rumbled around constantly. Letting go of guilt and making space for forgiveness felt impossible.
In many ways, “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” expresses my feelings through words and rhymes about the profound pain of blaming myself for my son’s tragic suicide. I loved Dylan deeply and still do, and if love could have saved him, he would be here now.
The beautiful photographs of vibrant flowers, majestic trees, and tranquil water ponds, lovingly captured in my gardens, evoke a sense of peace and connection to nature. Nature has had a profound effect on my learning to cope with suicide loss, and it’s been an important part of my healing the deep grief that losing a child to suicide brings.
Related Reads
My Forever Son
My Forever Son explores the profound grief, hope, and healing that follow the tragedy of losing a child to suicide.
My Forever Son dovetails the author’s journey of descending into deep grief, searching for hope, and finding healing along the way.
Table of Contents
Poem: “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”
That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back
Should've, would've, could've,
If I'd only come to see,
That might I future forward live
To see all eternity.
That I might know when, and where somehow,
And here and now then see,
To erase the dark and stay the day
To bring back you to me.
If only and what if now child,
And why couldn't I just see,
To hold you close forever
Rewind time, just you and me.
That darkness might not permeate
My heart now--and yours then,
That all of love could sweep time back
And bring back you again.
©Beth Brown, 2021, "That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back"
The poem, "That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back," is included in the book, Bury My Heart: 19 Poem For Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide, available now on Amazon Kindle.
Healing Guilt in Grief After Suicide Loss
Our mind wants to make up a story about loss. Usually the story is that – it’s our fault. The reality is loss happens in this lifetime… To 100% of us. Our mind wants to find some control even if it means a lifetime of self blame. We must work hard in grief to see the realities of why and how our loved ones died.
David Kessler, Author, grief.com, Facebook page
Remember All the Love You Gave
Finding a Way Forward with Forgiveness
Remembering My Son and All His Complexities
I will always think of our son as a shooting star that burned out early. His future seemed so bright and full of promise, yet it all dimmed too quickly. Smart and creative, he was an outsider who couldn’t find his place at the table the way others his age did. He remained at the edge of the crowd, longing to feel accepted, but unsure of where to start.Susan Wight, “Healing After My Son’s Suicide,” NAMI, September 2021
“There is no hurrying through the pain, guilt, confusion and desperation. “
Finding a Way Forward with Forgiveness
Our family was thrown into a pit of despair by this loss. As you might expect, climbing our way out has taken effort and time. Experts call this recovery process “grief work,” for it feels like hard labor, both physically and emotionally.There is no hurrying through the pain, guilt, confusion and desperation. My husband and I struggled with sadness and guilt over losing our son and not being able to get him the support he needed. However, with time, we were able to recognize the ways we had showed up for him.
Another stage of the healing process required admitting and coming to terms with our feelings of anger toward our child for what he did. Through honest discussion, we discovered that we didn’t see our son as just the victim of a violent act, but the perpetrator who ultimately murdered someone we loved. We felt that head not only robbed himself of his future, but also robbed his family of a future with him in it. However, as we learned to forgive ourselves for his death, we learned to accept and forgive him, too.
Susan Wight, “Healing After My Son’s Suicide,” NAMI, September 2021
Accepting Our Scars and Celebrating our Strength
Susan Wight, “Healing After My Son’s Suicide,” NAMI, September 2021
A core piece of my life that was once there is missing — yet sometimes I can still see, feel and hear my son like he’s a phantom limb.
Tips from Survivors: To a Mom Who Blames Herself”
What lies beneath your self-blame are the terrible facts that you cannot control: Suicidal forces overtook your loved one. You have suffered an unfathomable loss. You cannot turn back time, do it over, do it differently. Each of these is a loss. Mourning these losses is the essence of grief. Your grief deserves your compassion.
”Susan Auerbach, ”Tips from Survivors: To a Mom Who Blames Herself,” I’ll Write Your Name on Every Beach: A Mother’s Quest for Comfort, Courage and Clarity After Suicide Loss
What Else Can I Do?
…you can join a support group for parents whose adult children have died from an overdose—intentional or otherwise—so you can meet others who have experienced feelings of self-blame and regret similar to yours. In this group, you’ll find a whole community of people who understand that you have been fundamentally changed by your experience of having been your son’s parent, and they will do for you what you did so beautifully for your son: They will bear witness to your pain, even if they can’t take it away.
Lori Gottlieb, “I Blame Myself for My Son’s Death,” The Atlantic, September 7, 2020
Gentle Reminder
It’s the part of the story that might be even more painful to contemplate than your enduring self-blame—the part about your enduring love.
Your Enduring Love for Your Child
It’s the part of the story that might be even more painful to contemplate than your enduring self-blame—the part about your enduring love.
What I hear in your letter is a deep, ferocious, and complicated love for your son. And it’s in this love—more than in the blame—that your grief resides.— Lori Gottlieb, “I Blame Myself for My Son’s Death,” The Atlantic, September 7, 2020
Supporting Survivors of Suicide
The grief that follows losing someone to suicide is often devastating….
Suicide becomes more likely when poor mental health and multiple stressors combine to create an experience of hopelessness, pain, and despair. Although depression is the most common condition associated with suicide, other conditions like bipolar disorder, anxiety, and substance use problems, especially when untreated, increase the risk for suicide. In some cases, major stressful events can also increase the risk.
Here are some important things you should know:
There is nobody to blame.
It is common to struggle with questions like: “What could I have done differently? Why did this happen? Could I have prevented it? Was it my fault?” A big part of healing is learning to live with these unanswered questions. Suicide is complex, and many factors play a role. There is rarely a single cause or reason for a young person taking their own life. Attempting to answer these questions can extend the mourning process. However, with adequate support, it can also aid in finding meaning and making sense of the loss.
Everyone grieves and heals in their own way.
Grief is a difficult process to experience. However, grieving a suicide loss comes with unique challenges. Some of the many possible emotions [you] may experience include shock, shame, guilt, abandonment, confusion, and anger towards the deceased. A suicide loss survivor needs a safe space to process the loss, and [others] can provide that by simply being there and listening without judgment, advice, or criticism.
Healing can be helped by finding others who have experienced a loss by suicide.
Elena Camacho, LSW, Behavioral Health, “Supporting Survivors of Suicide Loss” Nationwide Children’s Hospital, 700 Children’s, A Blog by Pediatric Experts
Falling Leaves: A Photographic Mosaic for Reflection
Author’s Note
In nature’s changing seasons, I find serenity and healing in the midst of the ongoing grief of losing my son. The photographs in “Falling Leaves” are from my gardens. That you might find peace along the way.
Related Reads: Guilt and Regret in Grief
EXPLORING GUILT IN GRIEF
Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling”
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Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide
Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide Summary “Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide” explores the complex emotions parents face after losing a child to suicide. The guide offers practical advice and coping strategies to help parents process guilt and move towards acceptance. It emphasizes that guilt is a common feeling among grieving parents,…
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Understanding Parent Guilt After a Child’s Suicide Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide Guilt in Suicide Loss: Painful and Persistent Guilt is one of the most painful and persistent parts of suicide loss. Parents replay conversations, missed signs, and imagined alternate endings—believing they should have prevented the unpreventable. Why Parents Feel Guilt Guilt Is…
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If Only a Mother’s Love: A Poem on Loss Summary If Only a Mother’s Love: A Poem on Loss highlights the powerful poem “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You”which explores the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. It delves into themes of guilt, love, and the struggle to find healing.…
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Compassionate Resources for Grieving Parents
In Compassionate Resources for Grieving Parents, I share helpful tips and practical strategies to navigate grief after suicide loss, including ways to find hope in difficult times.
For valuable support and insights on how grief transforms and evolves over time, listen to other parents who have navigated this unimaginable journey, as they share their stories of hope, strength, and healing in Surviving Suicide Grief: Does the Pain Ever End?
Compassionate Self-Care for Parents After Losing a Child to Suicide
Navigating the profound grief of losing a child to suicide is an incredibly intricate journey, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. If you find yourself navigating the challenges of a grieving parent, consider reading “How I Survived the Suicide of My Son: 15 Tips for Grieving Parents” by Marcia Gelman Resnick, published in its entirety at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention that offers 15 practical tips for navigating the challenging grief suicide loss brings.
“How I Survived the Suicide of My Son: 15 Tips for Grieving Parents”
Sept. 20, 2019- For 20 years, I have been healing from the loss of my son to suicide. I learned to survive one day at a time. I’ve put this list together, from one parent to another, in the hope that it will be of some help to other parents who are just starting this journey. You will survive.
- You are not alone. You may think that as a parent whose child took his or her life, you are on another planet, all by yourself: but there are many parents walking the same road. You don’t yet know them. Find an AFSP chapter in your community, make use of the support they offer, and connect with other survivors of suicide loss. There are many people enduring the same pain as you. We all understand.
- Get the help you need. After my son died, I found a therapist for my surviving son, as well as a grief counselor for myself. My husband and I continued to see our couple’s counselor. I eventually took anti-depressant meds. There is no shame in getting help. If you don’t have the energy to do it yourself, have a close friend find the appropriate therapist or support group for you. Speaking of which…
- Let your friends provide support in whatever ways you or they can think of. If I had a doctor’s appointment, I asked a friend to call in advance to tell the doctor what had happened, because I couldn’t bear the thought of answering the typical question, “So did anything important happen this year?” As another example, I’m a lawyer, and eventually after my son’s death, I had to appear in court for clients. I took a friend with me for support each time. Everyone is different. Your friends want to help. Let them be there for you.
We need to work hard not to be ashamed or embarrassed by the way our children died. Our children had an illness, just like cancer or any other disease. There’s no need to hide it. As survivors of suicide loss, we learn to survive and live a fulfilling, although different life than what we had expected. My hope is that you can use some of the ideas I’ve shared to help you find your own way forward.
Marcia Gelman Resnick, “How I Survived the Suicide of My Son: 15 Tips for Grieving Parents,” The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
(published in its entirety at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)
Frequently Asked Questions
Beth Brown’s Poem: The specific phrase, “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” appears in the title of a poem by Beth Brown on her blog, My Forever Son, where it poignantly captures the heavy feelings of guilt and regret following the loss of her son to suicide.
Expression of Loss: The phrase “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” conveys a profound sorrow, where the speaker wishes that the sheer power of love could somehow reverse or halt the passage of time to prevent a devastating loss from occurring.
Read more about a parent’s guilt in grief after losing a child to suicide here: Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling.
Theme of Time and Grief
For the bereaved parent, time feels meaningless after the death of a beloved child.
Theme that Time Feels Suspended in Grief: Beth Brown’s phrase from her poem, “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” explores the theme of how grief can distort one’s perception of time and the desire to turn back the clock after the tragic loss of a child to suicide.
Read more about the emotions in early grief after suicide loss here: Walking through Shadows: Surviving the Unthinkable Loss of a Child to Suicide.
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” suggests a poetic expression of a universal desire to reverse the course of events through the power of love. This theme serves as a pivotal element in the poem ‘That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back.’
The Phrase, ‘That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back,’ Suggests:
The helplessness of grief: In the face of profound loss, particularly the death of a loved one, one may feel overwhelmed with regret and wish love could reverse time to prevent the tragedy. Because parents feel responsible for protecting their child, parents who lose a child to suicide often struggle with immense guilt in grief.
The immense power of love: The speaker imagines love as a force strong enough to overcome the laws of physics, reflecting how all-consuming and powerful love feels and how utterly devastating it is to lose a child to suicide. This hyperbolic wish emphasizes the depth of feeling and the desperation of loss, especially in light of losing a child to suicide where grief is oftentimes burdened with guilt.
The painful realization that it cannot: The line’s powerful subtext in terms of suicide loss reflects an understanding that no matter how great the guilt in grief, love cannot predict or prevent suicide. All of the “Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve” thinking in the world, the “what ifs” and the “what did I miss” moments of a guilt that can haunt parents for a long, long time, cannot undo the death of their child by suicide.
In many ways, this realization that one cannot be everywhere, knowing everything, and at all times–past, present, and future–means letting go of self-blame and guilt.
Read more about feeling guilt in grief after losing a child to suicide in Self-Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son.
The line “that all of love could sweep time back” appears in the article, “Is Suicide Really a Choice? Breaking the Stigma“
Suicide Epidemiology: Research Finds that Suicide is Not a Choice.
Suicide epidemiologists know that suicide is not a choice and their research findings include the following:
Suicide is often not seen as a rational choice:
People, including children who die by suicide, are often experiencing intense emotional pain, hopelessness, and distorted thinking due to mental illness or life stressors.
Research suggests individuals in these situations may lack the capacity to make rational decisions or see alternative options clearly. The idea that suicide is simply a “choice” overlooks the complex interplay of factors that contribute to suicidal thoughts and actions, including mental health conditions, life stressors, and biological factors.
Suicide epidemiology research confirms contributing factors:
Epidemiological studies show that mental health conditions, such as depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia, are major risk factors for suicide.
Substance abuse, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), also plays a significant role, with studies indicating that intoxication can worsen suicidal thoughts and impel action.
Social determinants of health, like poverty, lack of social support, and access to lethal means, are also identified as contributing factors to suicidal behavior.
Suicide Epidemiologists’ Research: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI); World Health Organization (WHO); The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP); Nationwide Children’s Hospital, Columbus, OH; and the Mayo Clinic.
To read more about suicide research and stigma, go to Is Suicide Really a Choice? Breaking the Stigma
Author Beth Brown uses the line to convey her struggle with guilt and self-blame following the suicide of her son.
The desire for reversal: The phrase captures the futile but powerful desire to use the strength of love to reverse the clock and change what has happened.
Healing from loss: Brown’s poetry, including this line, explores the themes of profound sorrow, regret, and the long, difficult path toward healing after such a devastating event.
The book of poems: The poem that contains this phrase is included in Brown’s book Bury My Heart: 19 Poems For Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide on Amazon Kindle.
Explain what the phrase “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” means
To reverse the past completely, as if with a magical, all-powerful force, in order to undo a devastating event. The speaker longs to use the immense power of love to accomplish this impossible task.
A journey toward acceptance: The expression is a window into the initial stages of grief and healing. In the
To reverse the past completely, as if with a magical, all-powerful force, in order to undo a devastating event. The speaker longs to use the immense power of love to accomplish this impossible task.
The phrase is not a literal suggestion that time travel is possible, but a poetic and agonizing expression of regret over a tragedy that cannot be changed.
Key meanings in the poem
The fantasy of a redo: The poem is written from the perspective of a mother who lost her son to suicide. The thought of “sweeping time back” represents the powerful fantasy of a do-over—the chance to go back and say or do something different that might have saved her child.
Wrestling with guilt: The phrase addresses the overwhelming “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” thoughts that plague parents in this situation. It reflects a deep feeling of guilt and self-blame, a haunting that only the reversal of time could truly fix.
The helplessness of love: It highlights the painful reality that while a parent’s love is immense, it is not a magical force. The love that was not enough to prevent the tragedy is now expressed as a futile wish to reverse it.
A journey toward acceptance: The expression is a window into the initial stages of grief and healing. In the long process, the narrator must learn to move beyond this feeling of helplessness and regret to find some form of self-forgiveness.
Elaborate on how ‘sweep time back’ relates to guilt in the poem
In Beth Brown’s poem “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” the phrase “sweep time back” is the central, agonizing manifestation of the narrator’s deep guilt over her son’s suicide.
It is the ultimate expression of the “what-if” and “if-only” thoughts that consume parents who have lost a child in this way. The speaker’s love is so powerful that she yearns for it to perform a physically impossible feat: to rewind events to a moment before the tragedy.
The impossible undoing.
The speaker’s fantasy of reversing time attempts to control an uncontrollable past.
A broken duty: Parents typically feel a duty to protect their children. When a child dies, especially by suicide, feelings of failure can be immense. The desire to “sweep time back” represents the wish to fulfill that broken duty.
The helplessness of love: The line shows the painful realization that love, no matter how profound, could not prevent the catastrophe. It is the wish for love to be a magical force that could have made a difference, thereby lessening the guilt that her love was not enough.
The “if-only” cycle: The fantasy of rewinding time is a direct consequence of the constant mental replay of “if only I had known,” “if only I had seen the signs,” or “if only I had said something different”. The idea of sweeping time back represents the only way to act on those counterfactual thoughts.
The weight of the final act
The phrase is a direct response to the finality of suicide.
No turning back: The permanence of the act leaves the grieving mother with no path for resolution. The guilt is not just about a mistake, but about the irreversible consequence of that perceived mistake.
Haunting regret: The imagery of sweeping time back highlights how the past haunts the present. In her grief, the speaker is not just sad about her son’s death; she is trapped in the moment leading up to it, desperately wishing to change the outcome.
Beyond rationalization: As the poem’s author explains, suicidal thoughts are not rational, but the grieving parent may not be able to rationalize this in their state of pain. The fantasy of reversing time is an attempt to rationalize and control the “understandable” nature of the suicide.
A step toward healing
In the broader context of grief and healing, the phrase represents a critical stage of denial and self-blame.
The poem and the author’s other writings suggest that this yearning for a reversal is a necessary step in the grieving process.
Eventually, the poet moves toward accepting that some questions will remain unanswered and that she is not to blame.
The expression of the futile wish in the poem is a first step toward moving beyond the guilt and embracing the possibility of healing.
Go here to read more about hope and healing: Finding Solace After Losing a Child to Suicide
Brown explains that the line and the poem as a whole arose from her profound feeling of regret that she could not prevent her son’s death.
The expression “that all of love could sweep time back” conveys her intense wish to rewind time and somehow change the tragic outcome, a common desire for those who lose a child to suicide.
In her poetry, Beth Brown often portrays longing by
connecting it to the natural world and vivid sensory details, which serves as a poignant contrast to her son’s permanent absence.
One notable example is from her poem “If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above) Poem: Reflections on Love and Loss” where she writes:
If earth were sky and sky above,
Then heart could hold this ache of love,
Suspended, like rain, in clouds wanting to fall,
But bound to sun’s joy because heart touches all.
I fall ‘ere so slowly most cannot yet tell,
My pain lives so deep and my heart goes through hell.
I crawl more than walk through days such as these,
Heavy with sorrow, wanting only ache relieved.
And yet truly what is can’t be undone,
I’ve lost my life in the loss of my son.
For seven years counting this marking of time,
Having lost in him life, both his then and mine.
I stay hollow inside though try as I might,
Come to from the damage of my now soiled life.
I’d rather be still with my son by my side,
My heart filled with love and my joy still alive.
©Beth Brown 2021, “If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above) Poem: Reflections on Love and Loss
How does this excerpt from “If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above) Poem: Reflections on Love and Loss“ portray longing?
Juxtaposing sky and earth: The opening lines describe a world turned upside down (“If earth were sky and sky above”). This immediately establishes a sense of profound disorientation that reflects the chaos of her inner life since losing her son.
Nature as a metaphor: The “ache of love” is personified as “rain, in clouds wanting to fall,” conveying a constant, suspended sadness. It’s a weight she carries that is always there, even if it isn’t always visibly expressed. This metaphor captures the essence of deep longing—a sadness that never completely dissipates.
Sensory and visceral description: The lines “My pain lives so deep and my heart goes through hell” are raw and visceral. This is not a distant, theoretical sadness but a deep, physical torment that a person experiences after such a catastrophic loss.
Celebration of life amid grief: In later writings, Brown connects the natural world not just to her sorrow but also to her healing, with nature becoming a source of hope and resilience. Her exploration of the changing seasons and blooming flowers suggests that while the longing for her son remains, she has learned to carry it alongside life’s continuing beauty. The “ache and love” walk together, and the connection with nature helps her carry on.
Read more about finding hope and healing after losing a child to suicide here: The Magnolia Tree: A Symbol of Grief and Resilience
Yes, Beth Brown has written numerous other poems about her son, Dylan, on her blog, My Forever Son. Many of these poems also appear in her collection, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide.
Here are some examples of her poetry about Dylan, categorized by their primary theme:
Guilt and regret
If Only a Mother’s Love: A Poem on Loss: The poem reflects on the “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” thoughts that haunted Brown in her early grief. The refrain expresses the feeling that her love should have been enough to save her son, a common experience for parents who lose a child.
Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling“: This poem captures the pain and guilt of suicide loss with the metaphor of a falling bird. The imagery of a creature meant to fly instead plummeting from the sky represents the broken state of a life shattered by loss.
Raw grief and sorrow
The Emotional Depth of ‘Beat Still My Heart’: A Powerful Elegy: An elegy that uses shipwreck imagery to describe the profound despair of losing a child to suicide. The poem captures the feeling of being lost at sea, constantly battered by waves of sorrow.
“He Left Too Soon”: This poem draws a parallel between the sudden, chaotic nature of a violent storm and the devastating impact of her son’s suicide.
“Bury My Heart”: This poem explores the deep sorrow and agony of losing a child. It describes the intense physical and emotional pain that many grieving parents experience, using the phrase “bury my heart” to convey the sense of being emotionally buried by grief.
Longing and memory
“I Will Seek Until I Find You”: This poem articulates the intense yearning for her son’s presence. Brown describes her longing as a constant, searching journey, even though she knows she cannot bring him back.
“Sorrow Buried in Love”: A Poem for Grieving Parents: This poem encapsulates the concept that a parent’s grief is linked to their love for their child. It is a response to the idea that grieving parents must “move on,” arguing instead that their love for their child endures forever, and with it, the sorrow of their absence.
Hope and healing
“My Child on Earth Above in Heaven’s Care”: A heartfelt lullaby that Brown wrote as a way to express her love and longing while holding onto hope. It reflects her journey of finding hope in the belief that she will see her son again someday.
Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love And This Grief Come to Stay” This piece reflects on the experience of moving forward while still carrying the weight of loss. It describes how the shape of her grief has changed over time, softening in its intensity while still being a constant part of her life.
Beth Brown, Author
About the Author
Beth Brown is a writer, educator, and bereaved mother who shares her journey of healing after losing her only son, Dylan, to suicide. Through poetry, essays, and her blog My Forever Son, Beth offers comfort and hope to others navigating grief, honoring the enduring bond between parent and child and celebrating the small joys that illuminate the path toward healing.
Meet the Author: Writing Through the Abyss
by Beth Brown
There are places that cannot be mapped, only entered—terrains of loss where language falters and the heart, stripped of its certainties, must learn to speak again. I am Beth Brown, a mother whose son, Dylan, died by suicide at twenty. My life, once measured by the ordinary rhythms of teaching literature and nurturing a child, was pierced in two: before and after. In the aftermath, I found myself wandering a wilderness where time bent, memory ached, and the world’s colors dimmed to the hush of grief.
On baby’s breath and angel wings,
You bring me love yet still,
— “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings”
I did not choose to become a chronicler of sorrow, but grief, relentless and unbidden, pressed its ink into my hands. I wrote because I could not bear the silence. I wrote because the ache demanded witness. In poetry, I found a way to hold both the weight of absence and the persistence of love—a language for the unspeakable, a vessel for memory, a place where my son’s name could still be spoken.
He left too soon,
Lifting life from June,
Casting torrents of rain.
— “He Left Too Soon”
There are nights when the world tilts, and I am returned to the moment of loss, the fracture that remade me. Yet even in the deepest dark, I have learned to listen for the faint music of hope, the pulse of love that endures beyond death.
Beat still my heart,
Beat still my mind,
Weary though thou art,
Carry his love along with thine,
Though heavy on thy shoulders
Crost fields throughout all time.
— “Beat Still My Heart”
My poems are not answers. They are offerings—fragments of a life lived in the shadow of absence, pieced together with longing and the fierce, unyielding devotion of a mother’s heart. They are the record of a journey through the labyrinth of grief, where each turn reveals both the ache of what is lost and the quiet radiance of what remains.
My child sleeps in a cradle of stars,
Gently rocked by the moon
Lullabies in his heart,
Heavens in galaxies swirl round to the sound
Of a mother and child’s love beating on.
Meteor showers, on the darkest of nights,
Bring comfort and joy to my child’s delight,
Aurora Borealis tints sky blue and green,
Where my child remembers his mother in dreams.
–“Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”
There are questions that haunt the bereaved: Could I have known? Could I have saved you? The mind circles these unanswerable riddles, but the heart, battered and tender, learns to rest in the mystery.
I’d have reached right in to your dark night’s soul—
I would have held on, I would have clutched you,
I would have never let you go
But you told me “Mom I love you”
Oh my child, if I’d only known.
— “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon”
In the landscape of loss, I have discovered that love is not diminished by death. It is transformed—becoming both ache and solace, shadow and light, the filament that binds the living to the lost.
Body, mind, soul, rough and ragged,
Weeping tears falling still throughout time,
Carrying weight of mourning and grieving
Falling broken when thou wert mine.
— “Beat Still My Heart”
I write for those who walk this wilderness with me—for the mothers and fathers, siblings and friends, whose lives have been marked by the unthinkable. My hope is that in these poems, you will find not only the echo of your own sorrow, but also the quiet assurance that you are not alone.
Starlight for a mobile twinkling ‘ere so bright,
To remember his mother that darkest of nights,
When slipped he from her grasp and fell through this earth,
Tumbling still planets, sun, folding time in rebirth.
— “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”
That we might understand we cannot separate mental illness from physical illness and that try as we might, we cannot see inside another’s pain.
–“Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand”
And how my heart keeps on beating
Is a mystery to all,
For without you beside me
Through life’s depth I crawl.
I live now life backwards
My heart beating in time,
To the life that we lived
When you, child, were mine.
Try as I might
I can’t seem to live,
For my dreams all belonged,
To your future forward lived.
If you have come here searching for words to companion your grief, I welcome you. My poetry is not a map, but a lantern—casting light on the path we walk, together and alone, toward a horizon where love, undiminished, endures.
But boughs break and love falls through the cracks in the earth,
And the centre can’t hold when orbits, slung far, break their girth,
Gravitational interference, passing stars in the night,
Jetting orbs, falling stars in a moonless sky.
— “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”
Grief is wild—untamed, unending, and full of shadows. Yet within its depths, I have found moments of light: a memory, a poem, the gentle rustle of leaves, the warmth of a cup of tea. My words are both ache and love, a testament that even in the deepest sorrow, we can find meaning, connection, and—sometimes—hope. Through poetry, I reach for my son and for all who walk this path. If you find yourself here, know that you are not alone, and that love—like poetry—endures.
If you wish to read more, my collection, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide is available on Amazon Kindle. and many other reflections await you at myforeverson.com.
Bury My Heart
If You Need Immediate Support
Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
http://www.personalgriefcoach.net
This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors
http://www.allianceofhope.org
This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.
Friends for Survival
http://www.friendsforsurvival.org
This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.
HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide
http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org
This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.
Professional Organizations
American Association of Suicidology
suicidology.org • (202) 237-2280
Promotes public awareness, education and training for professionals, and sponsors an annual Healing After Suicide conference for suicide loss survivors. In addition to the conference, they offer a coping with suicide grief handbook by Jeffrey Jackson. This booklet is also available in Spanish.
The Compassionate Friends
compassionatefriends.org • (877) 969-0010
Offers resources for families after the death of a child. They sponsor support groups, newsletters and online support groups throughout the country, as well as an annual national conference for bereaved families.
The Dougy Center
The National Center for Grieving Children & Families
dougy.org • (503) 775-5683
Publishes extensive resources for helping children and teens who are grieving a death including death by suicide. Resources include the “Children, Teens and Suicide Loss” booklet created in partnership with AFSP. This booklet is also available in Spanish.
Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
thelink.org/nrc-for-suicide-prevention-aftercar • 404-256-2919
Dedicated to reaching out to those whose lives have been impacted by suicide and connecting them to available resources.
Tragedy Assistance Programs for Survivors (TAPS)
taps.org/suicide • (800) 959-TAPS (8277)
Provides comfort, care and resources to all those grieving the death of a military loved one through a national peer support network and connection to grief resources, all at no cost to surviving families and loved ones.
LOSS
losscs.org
Offers support groups, remembrance events, companioning, suicide postvention and prevention education, and training to other communities interested in developing or enhancing their suicide postvention and prevention efforts.
Crisis Services
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
988lifeline.org
Call or text 988 (press 1 for Veterans, 2 for Spanish, 3 for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults) or chat 988lifeline.org
A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With crisis centers across the country, their mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.
Crisis Text Line
crisistextline.org
Text TALK to 741-741 for English
Text AYUDA to 741-741 for Spanish
Provides free, text-based mental health support and crisis intervention by empowering a community of trained volunteers to support people in their moments of need, 24/7.
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