Loving Him Past His Pain: A Mother’s Heartfelt Journey
Key Takeaways
- The article, “Loving Him Past His Pain: A Mother’s Heartfelt Journey,” shares a mother’s journey through grief after losing her son to suicide.
- It weaves memories of her son with reflections on her life, employing vivid imagery and deep emotions.
- Related readings include personal stories about navigating grief and healing after losing a child.
- The piece conveys feelings of love, loss, and the desire for understanding amidst tragedy.
- It emphasizes the profound impact of suicide on family and reflects on the lingering ache of loss.
Summary
Oh That I Could Have Loved Him Past His Pain
Loving Him Past His Pain: A Mother’s Heartfelt Journey echoes deep emotions and powerful storytelling as the author recalls past memories and interlaces them with the present. Through the use of vivid imagery and deeply personal experience, she creates a profoundly moving narrative that weaves together cherished memories from the time before the devastating suicide loss of her son with her life now, as is, as now.
The author delves into the complexities of grief after losing her son to suicide, illustrating how the loss reshaped her existence and perspective. Each reflection in “Loving Him Past His Pain” serves as a poignant reminder of the love that still lingers, while also highlighting the resilience required to navigate the ongoing journey of healing. Through her heartfelt and intimate prose, she invites readers to witness her struggles, victories, and the bittersweet tapestry of joy and sorrow that defines her ongoing connection to her son.
A Loss Unlike Any Other
Losing a child to suicide is a loss unlike any other. It shatters assumptions, fractures identity, and leaves parents searching for answers that may never come. If you are here, you are not weak, broken, or failing at grief. You are grieving something unimaginable.
Read more about early grief, understanding suicide loss, and survival
You Are Not Alone
My Forever Son exists because I lost my son, Dylan, to suicide—and survived. This site holds reflections from early shock through long‑term grief, written for parents walking this same road.
Start here if your loss is recent:
Read more about understanding suicide grief:
My Forever Son
My Forever Son explores the profound grief, hope, and healing that follow the tragedy of losing a child to suicide.
My Forever Son dovetails the author’s journey of descending into deep grief, searching for hope, and finding healing along the way.
Table of contents
- Loving Him Past His Pain: A Mother’s Heartfelt Journey
- Summary
- My Forever Son
- October Shadows and Memories of Love
- I Couldn’t Keep Him Safe
- Promises on a Wing, Forever It Seemed
- On Wings of Hope, I Send You Love
- Oh That I Could Have Loved Him Past His Pain
- I Will Seek Until I Find You: A Poem About Losing a Child to Suicide
- Bury My Heart: A Book of Poems About Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide
- Related Reads
October Shadows and Memories of Love
A gorgeous fall afternoon–early evening
Sun slants wide
Shadows cast and scatter across an old stone wall
Oh that I could have loved him past his pain
Sun Trails Behind As Fall Beckons
Walked a bit ago to the cul-de-sac and then down to the field, following the sun, finding the sun shadowing me, feeling the sun trailing behind.
Warm still, though only 60 and chilly. Dropping temperatures. But this is how it goes, is it not? For tomorrow, warmer weather and by week’s end, up into the mid-70’s. But a cooler feel to the air, to the sun, to these days filled with leaves changing color.
Days Drip With Nature Falling
Days drip with nature falling.
Leaves. Limbs. Shedding. Casting off.
Letting go a season of growth.
Following a rhythmic flow not entirely our own.
Tucking in. Turning in. Turning over. Letting go.
Relinquishing. Yielding. Breathing out.
Changing Seasons: A Rhythm Not Entirely Our Own
Winter is never easy.
Depression descends when skies color gray.
Days drip with nature falling: Leaves. Limbs. Shedding. Casting off.
Letting go a season of growth.
Following a rhythmic flow not entirely our own.
A beautiful melancholia of a chorus arranged by angels and a god who loves.
Tucking in. Turning in. Turning over. Letting go.
Relinquishing. Yielding. Breathing out.
Settling in and holing up as days grow shorter.
Oh that I could have loved him past his pain.
I Couldn’t Keep Him Safe
Loving Memories of the Color Orange
I have been missing Dylan dearly. Deeply. Painfully so. Achingly so.
October: Pumpkins, Costumes, and Trick-Or-Treat
It’s the holidays—October, pumpkins, costumes, the big bowl of candy by the front door.
Dylan’s friends in costume and the three of them trick-or-treating
Watching Dylan grow, change. Puppy feet and Axe Body Spray.
The color orange. His favorite color. A color denoting playfulness and creative joy. Orange the color of his youth.
His second grade fall book parade where each student chose to be a character from their favorite book.
Henry and Mudge, Frog and Toad, The Rugrats, Busy-town, I’ll Love You Forever.
Chocolate Cupcakes Freshly Baked
Dylan chose to be Chuckie from “The Rugrats.”
Elementary school parties with orange and black streamers.
Chocolate cupcakes freshly baked.
Volunteering in the school library.
Laughing and sharing stories with other parents who volunteered.
Picking Dylan up from school.
I wasn’t ready to let go. How could I?
Dylan was my one and only, the child I loved and protected, my son.
And I couldn’t keep him safe.
Promises on a Wing, Forever It Seemed
Remembering the Love
Tomorrow remembers once-upon-ago. October 6th. Gorgeous fall day.
Leaves changing colors. The wedding at Bear Farms. My dad still here.
Pumpkins and gourds. Red and gold for colors.
Promises on a wing. Forever it seemed.
Music and Dylan, together, woven into my music.
Guitar school in Los Angeles and Dylan in tow.
Music conservatory, the diligence of practicing scales and arpeggios,
Strings wearing grooves in my fingers, art and love in my heart.
Morning sickness in a cross-country U-Haul.
Broke down in the desert in Arizona.
Waited hours in the heat for a new U-Haul from Vegas.
–And all the memories come flooding back.
Oh that I could have loved him past his pain
On Wings of Hope, I Send You Love
Oh my angel, Oh my dove,
On wings of hope, I send you love
I felt happy. Or sick and happy.
Pregnancy and I did not get along well.
Now I understand why, though not then.
April 17th, his due date.
A sturdier month. A more hope-filled month.
Spring more than mud. Sun more than sopping rains.
Spring more than mud. Sun more than sopping rains.
April 17th, his due date. A sturdier month. A more hope-filled month.
Spring more than mud. Sun more than sopping rains.
Warmth more predictable than onslaught of cold, damp, chilly weather for days on end.
The difference between March 19th, the day he was born,
and April 17th, the day he was due, seems short,
though oh so much in spring’s hardiness and hope. His. My own.
Oh That I Could Have Loved Him Past His Pain
Past Addiction and Ache
I wish I could have loved him past his pain.
Loved him past addiction and ache.
I wish I could have saved him.
But I could not. Did not. Could not.
He went where he knew I would not be
I couldn’t save what he threw away,
which in the end,
winded up being everything.
His body, his talent, his mind, his brain.
He damaged all parts of himself to an oblivion
so far away I couldn’t retrieve him.
He went where he knew I would be. Could not be. Was not.
And in his fleeing me, his search for self took him
into a darkness I will never know.
Loved him past a pain that told him to go
But the depression was there all along.
I wish I had seen that.
Loved him past a pain that told him to go.
But darkness haunts me too. Exhaustively so.
Always on the edges frayed, always around the corner of all the chapters of my life.
I’ve been trailed, marked, haunted by depression all these years.
Bottle-necked. Jammed. Clustered. Stuck in the neck of a bottle I can neither get into nor out of.
Trying so hard to live balanced around glass edges.
And so tonight, I feel this ache.
I miss family. My family. My life from then, which is still yet now,
though empty–the tangible current of love through touch, scent, taste,
activity, life shared and lived parallel,
lost forever to what I will never find here.
I find this devastating some days.
Today, I find its sadness.
If only I could have loved him past his pain.
I Will Seek Until I Find You: A Poem About Losing a Child to Suicide
I Will Seek Until I Find You
And where will you run when arms reach
(but you’re not mine)
When I can feel still so strongly
(holding you still in my arms)
From here frantic I search wildly
(but cannot ever now find)
Little one in pictures
(trying hard for one so young)
Standing, but not steady, little hand tucked inside mine
Holding on together climbing moonbeams to the stars
Once upon a time ago—forever
in my mind
I thought us both impervious
(Against the ravages of time)
Oh little one where art thou
Whence I call you once again
Dearest child, still my child on earth
(in a world so vast and big)
You've gone where I can't find you
(and seek still that which did exist)
If God can hear prayers from below
(and you can see me now)
Please know I miss you terribly
(and will seek until I find)
A way to hold you yet again
(your hand yet still tucked in mine)
When fire moon red bloodies
Little star that once was mine
Deepest blue on blackest night
(I will seek until I find)
Little one beside me
(your hand tucked inside mine.)
© Beth Brown, 2022
Find Hope Here: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide
Bury My Heart: A Book of Poems About Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide
About the Book, Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide
Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide is a collection of original poems, arranged in five sections, about losing a child to suicide. Some of the poems in the book can be previewed here: Find Hope Here: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide
A Deep Sorrow: This section delves into the profound grief experienced by a parent who has lost a child to suicide. The poems within this section explore the overwhelming sadness, emptiness, and despair that accompany such a devastating loss.
Earth, Sky, Moon, Stars: Here, the poems draw upon elements of nature as metaphors to express the pain and longing felt by the bereaved parent. The earth, sky, moon, and stars serve as poignant symbols of the connection between the parent and the lost child, and the void left in the wake of their absence.
Why?: This section grapples with the haunting question that often arises after a child’s suicide: Why did this happen? The poems within this segment navigate the feelings of confusion, guilt, anger, and the overwhelming desire to understand the reasons behind the tragic event.
In Losing You, I Lost Me Too: Exploring the aftermath of the loss, this section reflects the profound impact a child’s suicide has on a parent’s sense of self. The poems delve into themes of identity, self-blame, and the struggle to find meaning and purpose amidst the immense pain.
That My Love Travel With You Always: Conveying a sense of love, longing, and eternal connection, this final section of the book focuses on cherishing the memory of the lost child. The poems here speak to the unending love a parent holds for their departed child, the hope that their spirit finds peace, and the desire to ensure their love travels with them forever.
Beth Brown, Author
About the Author
Beth Brown is a writer, educator, and bereaved mother who shares her journey of healing after losing her only son, Dylan, to suicide. Through poetry, essays, and her blog My Forever Son, Beth offers comfort and hope to others navigating grief, honoring the enduring bond between parent and child and celebrating the small joys that illuminate the path toward healing.
Meet the Author: Writing Through the Abyss
by Beth Brown
There are places that cannot be mapped, only entered—terrains of loss where language falters and the heart, stripped of its certainties, must learn to speak again. I am Beth Brown, a mother whose son, Dylan, died by suicide at twenty. My life, once measured by the ordinary rhythms of teaching literature and nurturing a child, was pierced in two: before and after. In the aftermath, I found myself wandering a wilderness where time bent, memory ached, and the world’s colors dimmed to the hush of grief.
On baby’s breath and angel wings,
You bring me love yet still,
— “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings”
I did not choose to become a chronicler of sorrow, but grief, relentless and unbidden, pressed its ink into my hands. I wrote because I could not bear the silence. I wrote because the ache demanded witness. In poetry, I found a way to hold both the weight of absence and the persistence of love—a language for the unspeakable, a vessel for memory, a place where my son’s name could still be spoken.
He left too soon,
Lifting life from June,
Casting torrents of rain.
— “He Left Too Soon”
There are nights when the world tilts, and I am returned to the moment of loss, the fracture that remade me. Yet even in the deepest dark, I have learned to listen for the faint music of hope, the pulse of love that endures beyond death.
Beat still my heart,
Beat still my mind,
Weary though thou art,
Carry his love along with thine,
Though heavy on thy shoulders
Crost fields throughout all time.
— “Beat Still My Heart”
My poems are not answers. They are offerings—fragments of a life lived in the shadow of absence, pieced together with longing and the fierce, unyielding devotion of a mother’s heart. They are the record of a journey through the labyrinth of grief, where each turn reveals both the ache of what is lost and the quiet radiance of what remains.
My child sleeps in a cradle of stars,
Gently rocked by the moon
Lullabies in his heart,
Heavens in galaxies swirl round to the sound
Of a mother and child’s love beating on.
Meteor showers, on the darkest of nights,
Bring comfort and joy to my child’s delight,
Aurora Borealis tints sky blue and green,
Where my child remembers his mother in dreams.
–“Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”
There are questions that haunt the bereaved: Could I have known? Could I have saved you? The mind circles these unanswerable riddles, but the heart, battered and tender, learns to rest in the mystery.
I’d have reached right in to your dark night’s soul—
I would have held on, I would have clutched you,
I would have never let you go
But you told me “Mom I love you”
Oh my child, if I’d only known.
— “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon”
In the landscape of loss, I have discovered that love is not diminished by death. It is transformed—becoming both ache and solace, shadow and light, the filament that binds the living to the lost.
Body, mind, soul, rough and ragged,
Weeping tears falling still throughout time,
Carrying weight of mourning and grieving
Falling broken when thou wert mine.
— “Beat Still My Heart”
I write for those who walk this wilderness with me—for the mothers and fathers, siblings and friends, whose lives have been marked by the unthinkable. My hope is that in these poems, you will find not only the echo of your own sorrow, but also the quiet assurance that you are not alone.
Starlight for a mobile twinkling ‘ere so bright,
To remember his mother that darkest of nights,
When slipped he from her grasp and fell through this earth,
Tumbling still planets, sun, folding time in rebirth.
— “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”
That we might understand we cannot separate mental illness from physical illness and that try as we might, we cannot see inside another’s pain.
–“Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand”
And how my heart keeps on beating
Is a mystery to all,
For without you beside me
Through life’s depth I crawl.
I live now life backwards
My heart beating in time,
To the life that we lived
When you, child, were mine.
Try as I might
I can’t seem to live,
For my dreams all belonged,
To your future forward lived.
If you have come here searching for words to companion your grief, I welcome you. My poetry is not a map, but a lantern—casting light on the path we walk, together and alone, toward a horizon where love, undiminished, endures.
But boughs break and love falls through the cracks in the earth,
And the centre can’t hold when orbits, slung far, break their girth,
Gravitational interference, passing stars in the night,
Jetting orbs, falling stars in a moonless sky.
— “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”
Grief is wild—untamed, unending, and full of shadows. Yet within its depths, I have found moments of light: a memory, a poem, the gentle rustle of leaves, the warmth of a cup of tea. My words are both ache and love, a testament that even in the deepest sorrow, we can find meaning, connection, and—sometimes—hope. Through poetry, I reach for my son and for all who walk this path. If you find yourself here, know that you are not alone, and that love—like poetry—endures.
If you wish to read more, my collection, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide is available on Amazon Kindle. and many other reflections await you at myforeverson.com.
Bury My Heart
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If You Need Immediate Support
Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
http://www.personalgriefcoach.net
This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors
http://www.allianceofhope.org
This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.
Friends for Survival
http://www.friendsforsurvival.org
This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.
HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide
http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org
This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.
Professional Organizations
American Association of Suicidology
suicidology.org • (202) 237-2280
Promotes public awareness, education and training for professionals, and sponsors an annual Healing After Suicide conference for suicide loss survivors. In addition to the conference, they offer a coping with suicide grief handbook by Jeffrey Jackson. This booklet is also available in Spanish.
The Compassionate Friends
compassionatefriends.org • (877) 969-0010
Offers resources for families after the death of a child. They sponsor support groups, newsletters and online support groups throughout the country, as well as an annual national conference for bereaved families.
The Dougy Center
The National Center for Grieving Children & Families
dougy.org • (503) 775-5683
Publishes extensive resources for helping children and teens who are grieving a death including death by suicide. Resources include the “Children, Teens and Suicide Loss” booklet created in partnership with AFSP. This booklet is also available in Spanish.
Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
thelink.org/nrc-for-suicide-prevention-aftercar • 404-256-2919
Dedicated to reaching out to those whose lives have been impacted by suicide and connecting them to available resources.
Tragedy Assistance Programs for Survivors (TAPS)
taps.org/suicide • (800) 959-TAPS (8277)
Provides comfort, care and resources to all those grieving the death of a military loved one through a national peer support network and connection to grief resources, all at no cost to surviving families and loved ones.
LOSS
losscs.org
Offers support groups, remembrance events, companioning, suicide postvention and prevention education, and training to other communities interested in developing or enhancing their suicide postvention and prevention efforts.
Crisis Services
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
988lifeline.org
Call or text 988 (press 1 for Veterans, 2 for Spanish, 3 for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults) or chat 988lifeline.org
A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With crisis centers across the country, their mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.
Crisis Text Line
crisistextline.org
Text TALK to 741-741 for English
Text AYUDA to 741-741 for Spanish
Provides free, text-based mental health support and crisis intervention by empowering a community of trained volunteers to support people in their moments of need, 24/7.
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