My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After the Death of My Son By Suicide

My Forever Son is as much about my journey to want to learn to live again as it is my son’s wanting his life to end.

I have had to learn to want to live again.

Writing, photographing, and remembering with love through the pain, I come to these Chronicles to find my way back after losing my only child to suicide. Here my heart runs deep with the fracture between who I once was and who now I must be.

Why I Started These Chronicles That Became My Forever Son

What Happened to Dylan?

On June 25, 2012, I lost my son Dylan to death by suicide. A student at a prestigious Midwest university, Dylan immersed himself in music, art, and digital design. His grades reflected his ongoing depression with which he had struggled since early childhood. Dylan hid his sadness well—smiling and laughing with his family and friends, making silly faces and telling jokes to get others to laugh. Dylan thought deeply about things, and he cared deeply for his friends, oftentimes being there for others who were struggling while tucking away his own painful feelings.

Dylan is the reason I started My Forever Son blog. Writing about grief, suicide, hope, healing, and child loss has been my way of clambering through the infinite despair and grief brought on by losing my child, my only child, to suicide.

Who Am I?

I am Beth, Dylan’s Mom, and I started writing this blog on April 7, 2015. I had already been grieving for two years and 9 months, and in that time, had read and researched as much as I could find about grief, suicide, child loss, losing an only child, and depression and mental health.

I am also a writer and teacher well-versed in adolescent literacy and teaching freshman composition. “I read, I write, I live,” wrote William Styron. Yes.

Why Follow My Blog?

Because love lost by a child’s suicide hurts. Forever. Especially when it’s your child. Bereaved parents of suicides, survivors of suicide, those who have lost a child, and those seeking to understand the effects of suicide on those left behind come to my blog because either they or someone they know has experienced the heartbreak and devastation of losing a child to suicide.

Chronicles

“Bury My Heart”-A Poem about Losing a Child

Bury my heart I’ve come undone Sorting through this life My son left behind. And what I’m seeking I know I’ll never find His touch, his smile— His still living his life. And so instead I sift through A still life dream My heart and life with him Forever it seemed. And oh my son…

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From Sorrow to Joy : How Pain Colors Loss

It’s on my refrigerator door–a small, rectangular magnet wedged between a “Choose Hope” magnet and a photograph of my son. The image on the magnet startles. Think Edvard Munch crossed with Vincent Van Gogh. An image depicting a bit of both artists: the sheer starkness of Munch’s scream on a yellow-splashed figure with arms uplifted…

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Losing A Child to Suicide: A Sad Welcome

If You Have Cause to Read this Now– I am so sorry for your loss. Please know my heart aches for you. There are no words. And I wish, God how I wish, something I could say or do would alter the course of this most unbearable of life’s journeys–losing your child to suicide. And…

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What Content is Included in My Forever Son?

Resources and Support

Hope and Healing

Surviving Grief

Breaking the Stigma, Suicide Facts and Statistics

New Content is Ongoing at My Forever Son

My life began when Dylan was born March 19, 1992, and my life ended when he died June 25, 2012. I have, since that fateful night in June, had to learn to want to live again.

Today, at 9 years out from Dylan’s death, I have learned to carry the pain of losing my son along with my love for him. My grief has not become smaller, but my world has grown larger. Dylan will always be with me, and my world today encompasses both the immense love and bittersweet ache I feel for my son.

My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After the Death of My Son by Suicide

Here is the place I come to write-

To try to make sense of a world I don’t understand

To share what it’s like to lose a child to suicide

To grapple with the formidable “Why?”

Here is the Place I Come to Write

To try to make sense of a world I don’t understand.

To share what it’s like to lose a child to suicide.

To grapple with the formidable “Why?”

To which, of course, there is no answer, yet echoes still define.

Beth Brown, My Forever Son
Dylan Andrew Brown

Meet Most Beloved, my constant companion

Most Beloved

Rememberer of Dreams.

Whisperer of gardens green.

At the whim of Most Beloved

And a hot cup of tea.

Beth Brown, My Forever Son, Gardens at Effingham
Rhapsody in Blue Delphinium

Join me at My Forever Son for deep reflection about losing my son, and Gardens at Effingham, where cats tell delightful stories about their garden adventures.


Gardens at Effingham

I live life between,

straddled here now and then–

my pen dripping ink,

my mind swirling confused,

your love lingering yet still

while a cat’s purring soothes

Beth Brown

Beth Brown, My Forever Son, Gardens at Effingham

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