Matins: Reflections on Hope After Loss
Summary
In the article Matins: Reflections on Hope After Loss, author Beth Brown reflects on the journey of grief and healing after losing her son, Dylan, to suicide. She describes the unpredictable nature of grief, the struggle to find joy after such a loss, and the ongoing process of learning to live with the absence of their son. Despite the pain, the author finds solace in small moments and the belief in a future reunion with Dylan.
Key Takeaways
- In Matins: Reflections on Hope After Loss, author Beth Brown reflects on her grief journey after losing her son, Dylan, to suicide in ‘reflections hope after loss’.
- She describes the unpredictable nature of grief and the challenge of finding joy after such a profound loss.
- Despite the ongoing pain, she finds solace in small moments and maintains hope for a future reunion with Dylan.
- The article emphasizes the importance of mindfulness and coping mechanisms in the healing process.
- Ultimately, Beth acknowledges her struggles while cherishing life, despite wishing Dylan could have stayed.
Introduction
Matins: Reflections on Hope After Loss explores the heart-wrenching journey of grief and healing following the loss of her son, Dylan, to suicide. She shares how grief can strike unexpectedly, flooding her with overwhelming despair. The struggle to rediscover joy after such a profound loss feels like an uphill battle, as even the smallest moments can be shadowed by sorrow. Learning to navigate life without him is a daunting challenge, with constant reminders of the void he left in her heart and home.
Yet, amidst the pain, the author finds comfort in fleeting moments—whether it’s a gentle breeze that whispers memories of Dylan or a warm smile from friends who truly understand her heartbreak. She clings to the hope of a future reunion with him, which gently guides her through the darkness. Ultimately, she comes to understand that honoring Dylan’s memory not only keeps his spirit alive but also provides her with the strength she needs to embrace each new day.
Related Reads
A Note from the Author: Writing My Way Through Grief to Find Hope and Healing
Snippets of language emerged as poetic reflections
Three years into my grief, I began writing journal entries. Short. A few feelings. About my day and where I was in my grief journey. Then slowly, snippets of language emerged as poetic reflections. Words shaped the deep feelings and emotional longing in my heart, and as I continued writing, I began to find small glimpses of hope in unexpected ways.
Photographing my gardens garnered a way to coalesce all the many feelings and words I’d been unable to express. And the more I photographed through the seasons, the more glimmers of hope I found along the way.
My journals, both written reflections of my grief and artistic expressions of my grief, hope, and healing, eventually included original poems that emerged from my writing.
Many of my poems tell narratives I remember from my son’s childhood. This is significant–reconstructing the narrative of our lives during his growing-up years brings release for all the love and beautiful memories before the trauma of losing him. Writing these poems and narratives, these poetic reflections on love and loss, have helped me learn to carry love and ache together.
Still I write. Still I heal. Still I miss my son. But I also find glimpses of hope in my life. “Matins,” written by John O’Donohue, reflects how I’ve found my way forward after losing my son to suicide. Hope comes in the moments when I find solace in the mindfulness of my day. A cup of tea. A walk in nature. My cat curled up beside me as I write. Over time, these moments have grown to include parts of my life I used to enjoy, though lost to me completely in my first few years of early grief. The joy of spring flowers. A pink and peach sky at sunrise. The way colorful leaves crunch under my feet in fall.
Reflections on Hope After Loss: “Matins” Morning Prayer
Matins (by John O'Donohue)
Morning Prayer
1
Somewhere, out at the edges, the night
is turning and the waves of darkness
Begin to brighten on the shore of dawn.
The heavy dark falls back to earth
And the freed air goes wild with light,
The heart fills with fresh, bright breath
And thoughts stir to give birth to color.
2
I arise today
In the name of Silence
Womb of the Word,
In the name of Stillness
Home of Belonging,
In the name of Solitude
Of the soul and the Earth.
I arise today
Blessed by all things,
Wings of breath,
Delight of eyes,
Wonder of whisper,
Intimacy of touch,
Eternity of soul,
Urgency of thought,
Miracle of health,
Embrace of God.
May I live this day
Compassionate of heart,
Clear of word,
Gracious in awareness,
Courageous in thought,
Generous in love.
John O’Donohue, Irish poet and philosopher
“Matins” (Morning Prayer)
From To Bless the Space Between Us
Reflections on Hope After Loss
Upon Awakening
Reflections on Hope After Loss: And so it is I’ve arisen today, yet again–sometimes enough just as is. Always my coming to, my lying there in stillness, my awareness that I am here, that I have breath. Then attempts at prayer, gratitude, some days, impossible, but when remembered, comforting.
It is Saturday, gorgeous out for early May, warmth of sun and delight of blue skies, and I have been busy. It is only recently that I have acquired this ability to be up and about, scurrying about, getting things done that I really want and need to get done. At first, in early grieving, the being knocked totally flat, unable to rise or find energy or wherewithal to do, go, see, hear, be anything save the shape of my heart’s grief.
Slowly, years really, it took years–the rise into daylight, being able to see sky, feel the temperature, witness the seasons. Between June 2012 and September 2013, I do not remember ever being aware of anything outside. At some point, I went back to work, and I’m sure I must have worn a coat, gloves, something, but I can’t remember anything about the weather. Fifteen months of grieving to find nature again. Grief is a slow drip.
Landscape of Grief
I belong to an ever-changing landscape of grief that defies any kind of predictability. I’m never quite able to prepare for what is to come. God knows I’d like to know. Today, I’m okay. Really okay. Better than okay, I think, though I’m always scared to feel too happy. It’s not guilt. It’s not that I feel guilty for feeling happy in the wake of having lost Dylan to suicide. It’s more like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was happy in 2010. Amazingly happy. And then death’s door came to steal my joy and my son.
Maybe it was there from the get-go after the deputy sheriff and his two cohorts pounded on my front door at 4:00 a.m. Monday, June 25, 2012. Maybe it was in seeing the biggest one, a huge wedge of a man, tall, burly, cumbersome, with a Ziploc bag with Dylan’s cell phone and wallet, the one I’d gotten him for Christmas a few years back.
Maybe it was hearing the grotesquely understated and wildly obscure voice of the deputy sheriff: “Your son had some convulsions and didn’t make it.” Just that. Like that. Flat. Stiff. Dead. My son’s corpse. The hideous corpse of inadequate words forever echoing in all that I am.
My Hidden Room
Maybe it really was then that I just gave up on anything permanent or lasting or forever. There is a hidden room in the house where I grieve Dylan, the house where my soul now resides, tethered, encumbered with the weight of gravity and musts and have-to’s.
I used to live in a house, a soul, that lived in this room all the time, and it is in this room that I met, fell in love, married, gave birth to Dylan, launched a band, recorded CD’s, pursued life with passion. But that room sealed tightly shut when the deputy sheriff’s words became the essence of my reality on June 25th: That reality is my here, now, as is.
This is my room of what was: The make-believe world in which I lived, the one where the prince finds the princess, they get married, they give birth to a child, and glory be! A son, to inherit their kingdom, and everything–everything!–is going to be okay. I mean, if it isn’t going to be “okay,” then I’m not sure I even want to try–or worse still, be here now, as is, after the fact and unable to change anything save the structure of the imposter world that remains.
Living With Loss
I have lost so much throughout the years. Twenty years ago, my father. First five years of 2000’s, my grandma and my aunt. Growing up, beloved grandparents and great-grandparents, pets, places I lived, where I went to school, and crushes on boys that went nowhere.
I have been rejected and disappointed, let down and disillusioned, and had to fight my way back numerous times. I know the truth of living a life that isn’t idyllic, of having to come to terms with this is what life has dealt, of making do even when what is needed is just not there. I’ve loved–and lost, and I’ve struggled, God, I’ve struggled, with depression. Depression. Always the depression.
And yet I still believed in an “okay,” that everything would be all right in the end. I don’t know, maybe someday, the room where everything really is “okay” will be opened back up to the rest of my house. Right now, I don’t always have access to that room, and in the end, to trust unsealing that room would take an infinite act of faith and trust.
Trusting the impermanence of everything here
Not an act of faith and trust in God, per se (I believe and have faith in God, I believe and have hope in seeing Dylan again), but in trusting the impermanence of everything here. Maybe I’m still rallying against the forces that be, against the thrust of the universe–No, God, No–not my child, take anything, please, just not my son. Please God, not my son.
“Life is hard” opened a book, I just didn’t know it was opening mine. My life is like an M.C. Escher painting–nothing is as it seems. I live in the oppositional undertow of an “okay” life. I am a salmon swimming the wrong way, one who’s lost her grip and sense of direction, floundering to hold on to an absolute illusion of everything everyone has ever taught me about life.
And so I arise today always in a world absolutely foreign to me
And so I arise today always in a world absolutely foreign to me. I will be home again when I see Dylan. In the meantime, I make do, and having my little white cat helps. So does making tea, dehydrating fruits and veggies, taking a walk in the woods. Staying in the moment, being mindful of the moment, just to take in the sun. It really is a beautiful life–I just wish Dylan could have stayed.
It really is a beautiful life–I just wish Dylan could have stayed.
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I Want to Believe: Searching for Hope After Losing My Son to Suicide
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Finding Hope, Healing, and Resilience in Nature
Finding Hope, Healing, and Resilience in Nature Summary The article Finding Hope, Healing, and Resilience in Nature explores the theme of finding hope and healing through nature after losing a child to suicide. It describes the emotional connection with nature and its capacity to heal after grief, using the arrival of spring as a symbol…
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Healing from Child Loss: A Poetic Journey
Healing from Child Loss: A Poetic Journey Summary Healing from Child Loss: A Poetic Journey by author Beth Brown explores the profound grief of losing a child, specifically her son Dylan, to suicide. Through poetry, photography, and gardening, Beth finds solace and healing, sharing her journey and resources for others navigating similar grief. The post…
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Finding Hope Through Grief: Poems of Love and Loss
Finding Hope Through Grief: Poems of Love and Loss Summary “Finding Hope Through Grief: Poems of Love and Loss” explores the profound grief and healing that follow the loss of a child to suicide. Through poetry, the author, Beth Brown, shares her personal journey of navigating grief, finding hope, and healing. The poems delve into…
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Professional Resources
Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
http://www.personalgriefcoach.net
This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors
http://www.allianceofhope.org
This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.
Friends for Survival
http://www.friendsforsurvival.org
This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.
HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide
http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org
This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.
Resources and Support Groups
Parents of Suicides and Friends & Families of Suicides (POS-FFOS)
http://www.pos-ffos.com
This website provides a public message board called Suicide Grief Support Forum, a listserv for parents, a separate listserv for others, and an online chat room for survivors of suicide loss.
Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)
https://www.taps.org/suicide
This organization provides resources and programs for people grieving the loss of a loved one who died while serving in the U.S. armed forces or as a result of their service. It has special resources and programs for suicide loss survivors.
United Survivors
https://unitesurvivors.org/
This organization is a place where people who have experienced suicide loss, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts and feelings, and their friends and families, can connect to use their lived experience to advocate for policy, systems, and cultural change.
Professional Organizations
American Association of Suicidology
suicidology.org • (202) 237-2280
Promotes public awareness, education and training for professionals, and sponsors an annual Healing After Suicide conference for suicide loss survivors. In addition to the conference, they offer a coping with suicide grief handbook by Jeffrey Jackson. This booklet is also available in Spanish.
The Compassionate Friends
compassionatefriends.org • (877) 969-0010
Offers resources for families after the death of a child. They sponsor support groups, newsletters and online support groups throughout the country, as well as an annual national conference for bereaved families.
The Dougy Center
The National Center for Grieving Children & Families
dougy.org • (503) 775-5683
Publishes extensive resources for helping children and teens who are grieving a death including death by suicide. Resources include the “Children, Teens and Suicide Loss” booklet created in partnership with AFSP. This booklet is also available in Spanish.
Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
thelink.org/nrc-for-suicide-prevention-aftercar • 404-256-2919
Dedicated to reaching out to those whose lives have been impacted by suicide and connecting them to available resources.
Tragedy Assistance Programs for Survivors (TAPS)
taps.org/suicide • (800) 959-TAPS (8277)
Provides comfort, care and resources to all those grieving the death of a military loved one through a national peer support network and connection to grief resources, all at no cost to surviving families and loved ones.
LOSS
losscs.org
Offers support groups, remembrance events, companioning, suicide postvention and prevention education, and training to other communities interested in developing or enhancing their suicide postvention and prevention efforts.
Online resources
Alliance of Hope
allianceofhope.org
Provides a 24/7 online forum for suicide loss survivors.
Help Guide
helpguide.org
Provides resources and tips for how to navigate the loss of someone to suicide.
Parents of Suicides (POS) – Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS)
pos-ffos.com
An internet community to connect parents, friends, and family that have lost someone to suicide.
SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
save.org/programs/suicide-loss-support • (952) 946-7998
Hosts resources for suicide loss survivor including a support group database, newsletter, survivor conference and the Named Memorial Program, which offers a special way to honor your loved one.
Siblings Survivors of Suicide Loss
siblingsurvivors.com
Provides resources and a platform to connect with others that have lost a sibling to suicide.
Finding professional care and support
Find a mental health provider
- afsp.org/FindAMentalHealthProfessional
- findtreatment.samhsa.gov
- mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help
- inclusivetherapists.com
- afsp.org/suicide-bereavement-trained-clinicians
Find a provider for prolonged grief
Find additional resources for marginalized communities
Crisis Services
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
988lifeline.org
Call or text 988 (press 1 for Veterans, 2 for Spanish, 3 for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults) or chat 988lifeline.org
A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With crisis centers across the country, their mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.
Crisis Text Line
crisistextline.org
Text TALK to 741-741 for English
Text AYUDA to 741-741 for Spanish
Provides free, text-based mental health support and crisis intervention by empowering a community of trained volunteers to support people in their moments of need, 24/7.
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15 replies on “Matins: Reflections on Hope After Loss”
[…] out in words and lines that rhyme the futility of punishing myself for my son’s suicide. I loved (and still love) Dylan with all my heart and all that I […]
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