Struggling with Guilt After Your Child’s Suicide: “A True Tale of 2 Mothers”

Struggling with Guilt in Suicide Grief

Parents of children who die by suicide often battle an
added type of guilt. Even if they do not blame themselves
for not directly intervening in the suicidal act, they often feel
guilt over some perceived mistake in raising their children.
“Where did I go wrong?,” “I pushed them too hard.” and
“If we hadn’t gotten divorced…” are just a few on the list of
self-recriminations.

But parents need to remind themselves
that, while they have great influence over their children’s
lives, they do not personally create every aspect of their chil-
dren’s being, as a sculptor carves a statue. From their earliest
years, children are shaped by an assortment of outside influ-
ences beyond the control of parents. Even children and
teenagers have to bear responsibility for their actions.

Jeffrey Jackson, SOS Handbook, A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide, American Association of Suicidology

When a loved one dies by suicide, emotions can overwhelm you. Your grief might be heart wrenching. At the same time, you might be consumed by guilt — wondering if you could have done something to prevent your loved one’s death. . . .remember that you don’t have to go through it alone.

Mayo Clinic Staff

And if you are the parent of a child who died by suicide, you are not alone in struggling with guilt.

Brace for Powerful Emotions

Nothing can prepare you for what happens when your child dies by suicide. It is truly living out a nightmare from which you cannot awaken. Indeed, “grief is an extraordinarily powerful constellation of emotions that can initiate a chain reaction of biochemical events in the body” (Understanding a Broken Heart – The Physiologyy of Grief).

Losing a child to suicide triggers intense emotions:

• Shock. Disbelief and emotional numbness might set in. You might think that your [child’s] suicide couldn’t possibly be real.
• Anger. You might be angry with your [son or daughter] for abandoning you or leaving you with a legacy of grief — or angry with yourself or others for missing clues about suicidal intentions.
• Guilt. You might replay “what if” and “if only” scenarios in your mind, blaming yourself for your [child’s] death.
• Despair. You might be gripped by sadness, loneliness or helplessness. You might have a physical collapse or even consider suicide yourself.
• Confusion. Many people try to make some sense out of the death, or try to understand why their [child] took his or her life. But [with the suicide of your daughter or son], you’ll likely always have some unanswered questions.
• Feelings of rejection. You might wonder why your relationship wasn’t enough to keep your [child] from dying by suicide.

You might continue to experience intense reactions during the weeks and months after your [child’s] suicide — including nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, social withdrawal and loss of interest in usual activities — especially if you witnessed or discovered the suicide.

Mayo Clinic Staff

“If Only I Had”-A True Tale of Two Mothers