11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe

11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe

About This Poem

Hope and Loss

I Still Want to Believe is a poem that reflects on my grief and longing for my son who died by suicide. The poem captures my desire to believe in hope and the pain of carrying the darkness of loss.

Ebb and Flow of Grief

This juxtaposition of hope and loss is a theme common to parents who lose their child to suicide. In the ebb and flow of grief, parents want desperately to find hope while moving through enormous grief and devastating loss.

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I Still Want to Believe

        That HOPE means Hold On, Pain Eases

I Want to Believe-
the stage is set early for dreams to come true:
Skies dazzle in brilliant blue, clouds drift idly,
stretches of pastures and woodlands lend serenity.

I Want to Believe-
that on that backdrop, with enough love and laughter,
books and reading, friends and family, children grow up to be happy.

I Want to Believe-
that all families stick together–even when dads leave,
even when the crazy-making stories start.

I Want to Believe
that being a child means becoming a teenager;
that becoming a teenager means becoming a young adult;
that becoming a young adult means launching a world of one’s own
ad infinitum to infinity and beyond.


I Remember–
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and laughing over “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
Power Rangers. Your blue and white diamond-checkered costume, replete with Power Ranger sword, jumping from the top stair and my catching you just in time.

Froggie and Small Pig, Henry and Midge, the Rugrats (Chuckie) and Charlie Brown, school classroom parties with Halloween costumes and all that candy (chocolate always was your favorite).

I Remember-
Sitting in the car and crying after I took you to kindergarten for the first time.
(I had to let go–I still don’t want to let go.)

Watching you march across the high school football field on Friday nights,
Playing the alto saxophone that had once been mine

I Remember-
When you told me you hadn’t felt happy in at least 7 years. You were only 18.
Pokemon. Zelda. Mario.

I Remember I’d Like to Believe-
that pain in childhood can be eased and healed with love.


I’d Like to Believe-
that the Easter Bunny brings chocolate cream eggs and yellow, fluffy ducklings.

I’d Like to Believe
that what’s broken in teenagers can be fixed by growing up.


I Know-
There’s a pain, an ache and sadness depicting hopelessness, that can’t be lived through
You wanted to live, but that you couldn’t find a way to make it through the darkness

I Know-
Because now I carry your darkness
Because now I must push through despair to find a light that never comes
Because now I am the one who cannot, yet must, find hope.


I Live-
That you might (yet still) live too

I Live-
To remember I am a mother who carried a son
To remember, I am your mother who carries you still


©Beth Brown, 2023
I Still Want to Believe

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Find Hope Here: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

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