A photograph of my 19-year-old son, Dylan, smiling wide, brown eyes, brown hair and looking happy, photographed for My Forever Son, Poems about Losing a Child, and About Dylan, My Forever Son Backstory

My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After the Death of My Son By Suicide

And once upon a blue-sky moon,

We sailed our ships in your bedroom,

With stars for light, we fled the dark

But the lightening flashed, And the sky grew dark.

Beth Brown, “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon,” My Forever Son

About Dylan

Below are three related posts that say so much–both about Dylan and about me. These 3 posts map out my journey after losing Dylan to suicide 11 years ago.

Reading these posts is a good place to begin, especially if you’ve lost a child to suicide, or if someone you know has lost a child to suicide.

photo of a full moon on a dark night with trees off to the left of the frame, My Forever Son, Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon, a poem about losing a child to suicide
Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon, My Forever Son

A Poem about Losing My Son: Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon

Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon

And once upon a blue-sky moon,
We sailed our ships in your bedroom,
With stars for light, we fled the dark
But the lightening flashed, 
And the sky grew dark.

You tucked away your childhood dreams
On wings that soared beyond infinity,
Your love in me and me in you,
But out of reach, beyond what I could do.

I launched your dreams
You took great flight
On wings alone you soared too high
But you found ways to onward flee
To galaxies beyond my means.

I watched you drift through hazy sky
And chalked it up to a teenage angst,
But oh my son, if I’d only known
I’d have reached right in to your dark night’s soul--

 I would have held on
 I would have clutched you
 I would have never let you go
 But you Told me 
“Mom I love you”
 Oh my child if I’d only known.

So I kissed you and I held you,
And I said goodbye,
Not knowing, blue-star moon,
I would lose you that night.

You lived, you breathed, alive in pain
Through storm-dark nights and cloudy haze
But I didn’t know what I couldn’t see
The damage done beyond my means.

My sky is dark, my nights deep blue
My winter’s come, my star’s with you,
Without you here I cannot fly
My wings you clipped 
When you took your life.

And I live on and onward flee
Towards you my son and to infinity,
Where dreams come true and you live on,
And we fly again around planets and sun

With stars that glow against the moon,
Your love in me and me in you.

I will hold you, 
You will clutch me
We will never let go,

And you’ll tell me, 
“Mom, I love you”
And tears from earth will overflow,

And I’ll know then, blue sky-moon,
To never ever let you go.

© Beth Brown, 2021 
 All rights reserved

Related Posts

About Dylan

1. What was his full name?

Dylan Andrew Brown

2. What was his favorite TV show?

Anything comedy central, cartoon network, and/or history channel. Especially Jon Stewart. Throughout the years, “Rugrats,” “The Magic School Bus,” “Arthur,” “Busy Town,” “Power Rangers,” “Ninja Turtles,” “Pokemon,” “Spongebob,” and in his teen years, “Southpark,” “Who’s Line is it Anyway?” Anime, and “Myth Busters.”

3. Did he have a favorite stuffed animal?

Dylan had lots of stuffed animals as a child. He loved them all and at bedtime, used to surround himself with his stuffed animals. When Dylan graduated from high school, a family friend gave Dylan a stuffed Build-A-Bear, replete with graduation cap, gown, and sash that read “Class of 2010.”

Mother holding a baby sucking his fingers looking out over her shoulder, photographed for My Forever Son, About Dylan
Dylan and Beth, My Forever Son

4. Did he have a favorite blanket?

I don’t know if any were favorites, but I remember them all—baby duck blanket, Thomas the Tank blanket, striped multi-colored blanket, Dockers’ red and blue plaid blanket. Most favorite was his pillow, a feather pillow from when he was young. I have this pillow and always will.

Mother sitting on floor with 1-year-old son looking at birthday cake, black and white photo, My Forever Son, About Dylan
Beth and Dylan, My Forever Son

5. What did he enjoy doing as a teenager or from age 11 on?

Rollerblading, playing lots of guitar, writing and recording music, playing in a rock band with his friends, listening to music, especially Avenged Sevenfold and Asking Alexandra, being with his friends, sleepovers, and gaming.

6. Did he like sports?

Does music count as a sport? He was a talented musician who played guitar, piano, and saxophone, and he loved to compose music, especially searing guitar leads and electronic music. He wanted to be on the baseball team and did go to try outs. He expressed interest in track, and ran regularly, but never tried out for the track team. He liked to watch extreme sports on TV (snowboarding, Tony Hawk rollerblading).

Dylan, age 18, looking at camera, My Forever Son, About Dylan
Dylan, My Forever Son

7. What age did your child live until?

20 years, 3 months and 5 days

8. Anything else we should know about your child?

Dylan was so incredibly creative and gifted musically. And oh so smart. He knew how to make lots of funny faces to make his friends laugh, and he was always there for those who needed to talk. But he tucked away his own feelings and emotional pain.

Dylan was a deep thinker who asked big questions without easy answers. He was quiet and shy until you got to know him, and he had a knack for always making his friends laugh and smile.

He held in so much—never letting you know what was truly on his heart, never letting you see him cry or be down, even in the midst of great and terrible depression. Dylan was a Godsend, a beautiful son, and my life’s most precious gift. I’d trade it all just to be with him.

I am Beth, Dylan’s Mom
March 19, 1992-June 25, 2012
Forever my heart, my wings, my love

Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

Now Available on Amazon Kindle

A Note About the Photography, Poems, and Songs

I photograph and write the poems for My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide

I find healing and hope in photographing nature, flowers, trees, and flowering shrubs throughout the seasons of the year.

Beautiful close-up of pink crab apple blossoms in spring, photographed for My Forever Son, Bury My Heart-A Poem About Losing a Child and About Dylan and About Dylan
Pink crab apple blossoms in spring, My Forever Son

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