My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After the Death of My Son By Suicide
And once upon a blue-sky moon,
We sailed our ships in your bedroom,
With stars for light, we fled the dark
But the lightening flashed, And the sky grew dark.Beth Brown, “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon,” My Forever Son
Below are three related posts that say so much–both about Dylan and about me. These 3 posts map out my journey after losing Dylan to suicide 11 years ago.
Reading these posts is a good place to begin, especially if you’ve lost a child to suicide, or if someone you know has lost a child to suicide.
A Poem about Losing My Son: Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon
Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon And once upon a blue-sky moon, We sailed our ships in your bedroom, With stars for light, we fled the dark But the lightening flashed, And the sky grew dark. You tucked away your childhood dreams On wings that soared beyond infinity, Your love in me and me in you, But out of reach, beyond what I could do. I launched your dreams You took great flight On wings alone you soared too high But you found ways to onward flee To galaxies beyond my means. I watched you drift through hazy sky And chalked it up to a teenage angst, But oh my son, if I’d only known I’d have reached right in to your dark night’s soul-- I would have held on I would have clutched you I would have never let you go But you Told me “Mom I love you” Oh my child if I’d only known. So I kissed you and I held you, And I said goodbye, Not knowing, blue-star moon, I would lose you that night. You lived, you breathed, alive in pain Through storm-dark nights and cloudy haze But I didn’t know what I couldn’t see The damage done beyond my means. My sky is dark, my nights deep blue My winter’s come, my star’s with you, Without you here I cannot fly My wings you clipped When you took your life. And I live on and onward flee Towards you my son and to infinity, Where dreams come true and you live on, And we fly again around planets and sun With stars that glow against the moon, Your love in me and me in you. I will hold you, You will clutch me We will never let go, And you’ll tell me, “Mom, I love you” And tears from earth will overflow, And I’ll know then, blue sky-moon, To never ever let you go. © Beth Brown, 2021 All rights reserved
1. What was his full name?
Dylan Andrew Brown
2. What was his favorite TV show?
Anything comedy central, cartoon network, and/or history channel. Especially Jon Stewart. Throughout the years, “Rugrats,” “The Magic School Bus,” “Arthur,” “Busy Town,” “Power Rangers,” “Ninja Turtles,” “Pokemon,” “Spongebob,” and in his teen years, “Southpark,” “Who’s Line is it Anyway?” Anime, and “Myth Busters.”
3. Did he have a favorite stuffed animal?
Dylan had lots of stuffed animals as a child. He loved them all and at bedtime, used to surround himself with his stuffed animals. When Dylan graduated from high school, a family friend gave Dylan a stuffed Build-A-Bear, replete with graduation cap, gown, and sash that read “Class of 2010.”
4. Did he have a favorite blanket?
I don’t know if any were favorites, but I remember them all—baby duck blanket, Thomas the Tank blanket, striped multi-colored blanket, Dockers’ red and blue plaid blanket. Most favorite was his pillow, a feather pillow from when he was young. I have this pillow and always will.
5. What did he enjoy doing as a teenager or from age 11 on?
Rollerblading, playing lots of guitar, writing and recording music, playing in a rock band with his friends, listening to music, especially Avenged Sevenfold and Asking Alexandra, being with his friends, sleepovers, and gaming.
6. Did he like sports?
Does music count as a sport? He was a talented musician who played guitar, piano, and saxophone, and he loved to compose music, especially searing guitar leads and electronic music. He wanted to be on the baseball team and did go to try outs. He expressed interest in track, and ran regularly, but never tried out for the track team. He liked to watch extreme sports on TV (snowboarding, Tony Hawk rollerblading).
7. What age did your child live until?
20 years, 3 months and 5 days
8. Anything else we should know about your child?
Dylan was so incredibly creative and gifted musically. And oh so smart. He knew how to make lots of funny faces to make his friends laugh, and he was always there for those who needed to talk. But he tucked away his own feelings and emotional pain.
Dylan was a deep thinker who asked big questions without easy answers. He was quiet and shy until you got to know him, and he had a knack for always making his friends laugh and smile.
He held in so much—never letting you know what was truly on his heart, never letting you see him cry or be down, even in the midst of great and terrible depression. Dylan was a Godsend, a beautiful son, and my life’s most precious gift. I’d trade it all just to be with him.
I am Beth, Dylan’s Mom
March 19, 1992-June 25, 2012
Forever my heart, my wings, my love
Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide
A Note About the Photography, Poems, and Songs
I photograph and write the poems for My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide
I find healing and hope in photographing nature, flowers, trees, and flowering shrubs throughout the seasons of the year.