Categories
Uncategorized

What Has Changed in 4 Years of Grieving the Loss of My Son to Suicide?

coffee being poured through a Melita filter to be brewed into a single mug

Where Does Time Go?

I do not even know where time goes. Suffice it to say that sometimes, sometimes, grieving the loss of my son requires a certain pulling away from all things grief-related. Sometimes, it’s just too painful to face. Sometimes, I just want to pretend I belong to the rest of the world, the one that seems to be whirring and spinning around me. Sometimes. . .

coffee being poured from a carafe into a glass mug with sugar and creamer stoneware on a table with coffeebeans and a black pitcher

So Much Has Changed


So much has changed. It is a new year, February 6th, 2016, Saturday, and it has been forever and a day since I last blogged. Where did I go? Only into the recesses of myself in an effort and a fledgling attempt to rectify and redeem the dire straits I found myself in last year. 


Losing a child to suicide necessarily carries with it the burden of loss, one heavy and weighted enough so as to encumber you for the rest of your life here. But there are many secondary losses as well.

Over the past 3 and 1/2 years, I have lost those I counted as “friends,” my career, my health, and my ability to function and move about as freely as I always have.

And the Guilt


And the guilt. God the guilt, the mother lode of guilt, oozing and drenching all that I am and do in “what if’s” and second doubts. Feelings I thought I’d left behind surface all over again and I find myself drowning in despair. And the really sad part of all this is that I’m not even entirely sure this is a guilt that can be avoided. If you’ve lost a child to suicide, then you are probably all too aware of this hellish familiar ache. 


Some things never change

1. my ache for my son

2. the many ways I think about him during my day

3. the way I just about always dream about Dylan at night

4. the way just about everybody in my community just doesn’t “get” me–not unless, of course, they’ve lost a child too–and if they’ve lost a child to suicide too? then they “get” me

5. the way i slip further and further from my family network 

6. my reclusiveness during “holidays”

7. my reluctance to commit to anything–and always holding back the option of bailing at the last minute

8. my not looking forward, save one day at a time–and realize, it’s taken me 3 and 1/2 years to even get to this point

Beth Brown, My Forever Son

My world is small. I am lonely. I miss my son. 

coffee with cream swirl top in a black coffee cup on a black table

Recent Posts in Chronicles Blog

Purple flower

Surviving Suicide Grief: “Does the Pain Ever End?”

The Pain Does Change “To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to behere and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain doeschange, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoylife again. It will never be like before but the crushing, allconsuming pain […]

“I Will Seek Until I Find You”-A Poem About Losing a Child

I Will Seek Until I Find You I Will Seek Until I Find You And where will you run when arms reach (but you’re not mine) When I can feel still so strongly (holding you still in my arms) From here frantic I search wildly (but cannot ever now find) Little one in pictures (trying […]

“When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched”-On Suicide and Despair

That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back Should’ve, Would’ve, Could’ve, If I’d only Come to See, That might I future forward live To see all eternity. That I might know when and where somehow, And here and now then see, To erase the dark and stay […]

Why? After the Suicide of My Son-A Mother Remembers

I Will Seek Until I Find You And where will you run when arms reach (but you’re not mine) When I can feel still so strongly (holding you still in my arms) From here frantic I search wildly (but cannot ever now find) Little one in pictures (trying hard for one so young) Standing, but […]

Loading…

Something went wrong. Please refresh the page and/or try again.

red rose in full bloom close up

Get new posts delivered to your inbox.

By Beth Brown

Rememberer of dreams. Whisperer of gardens green.
At the whim of "Most Beloved" and a hot cup of tea.
I live life between, straddled here now and then,
My continuity through writing--
Pen dripping ink, mind swirling confused,
Love lingering still, and Most Beloved's purring soothes.

Blogger at "Gardens at Effingham" (where cats do the talking) and "My Forever Son" (where a mother's heart runs deep after losing her son to suicide)
Musician. Writer. Literary Connoisseur.
At the whim of a calico cat and a strong cup of tea.

One reply on “What Has Changed in 4 Years of Grieving the Loss of My Son to Suicide?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s