Four Daffodils in Yellow and White Photographed for My Forever Son to represent 4 years of healing grief after the loss of my son

Where Does Time Go?

I do not even know where time goes. Suffice it to say that sometimes, sometimes, grieving the loss of my son requires a certain pulling away from all things grief-related. Sometimes, it’s just too painful to face. Sometimes, I just want to pretend I belong to the rest of the world, the one that seems to be whirring and spinning around me. Sometimes. . .

So Much Has Changed

So much has changed. It is a new year, February 6th, 2016, Saturday, and it has been forever and a day since I last blogged. Where did I go? Only into the recesses of myself in an effort and a fledgling attempt to rectify and redeem the dire straits I found myself in last year. 

Losing a child to suicide necessarily carries with it the burden of loss, one heavy and weighted enough so as to encumber you for the rest of your life here. But there are many secondary losses as well.

Over the past 3 and 1/2 years, I have lost those I counted as “friends,” my career, my health, and my ability to function and move about as freely as I always have.

White Daffodils with Yellow Centers in Early Spring
White Daffodils with Yellow Centers in Early Spring

And the Guilt

And the guilt. God the guilt, the mother lode of guilt, oozing and drenching all that I am and do in “what if’s” and second doubts. Feelings I thought I’d left behind surface all over again and I find myself drowning in despair. And the really sad part of all this is that I’m not even entirely sure this is a guilt that can be avoided. If you’ve lost a child to suicide, then you are probably all too aware of this hellish familiar ache. 

As I write, I am nearing my son’s 10th year memorial date. Time has passed. An entire decade’s worth of time has passed. I have wrestled with guilt throughout these 10 years. You can read more about how I’ve worked to cope with and self-blame and guilt after losing my child.

Bright Yellow Daffodil with Vivid Yellow Center in Early Spring
Yellow on Yellow Daffodils in Early Spring

Some things never change

my ache for my son

The many ways I think about him during my day

the way I just dream about Dylan at night

my Being a Recluse during “holidays”

my reluctance to Make a Firm Commitment to anything-and always holding back the option of bailing at the last minute

my not looking forward, save one day at a time-and realize, it’s taken me 3 and 1/2 years to even get to this point

My world is small. I am lonely. I miss my son. 

White Flowering Dogwood in Spring
White Flowering Dogwood in Spring

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By Beth Brown

Rememberer of dreams. Whisperer of gardens green.
At the whim of "Most Beloved" and a hot cup of tea.
I live life between, straddled here now and then,
My continuity through writing--
Pen dripping ink, mind swirling confused,
Love lingering still, and Most Beloved's purring soothes.

Blogger at "Gardens at Effingham" (where cats do the talking) and "My Forever Son" (where a mother's heart runs deep after losing her son to suicide)
Musician. Writer. Literary Connoisseur.
At the whim of a calico cat and a strong cup of tea.

One reply on “What Has Changed in 4 Years of Grieving the Loss of My Son to Suicide?”

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