“Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season”
By Alan Wolfelt
The suggestions below offer practical tips for coping with grief during the holidays. Alan D. Wolfelt, the author of these suggestions, writes prolifically about all aspects of grief. He offers practical suggestions for handling grief (including for teens and kids), and he addresses grief in all the many ways it affects our lives. This article, “Helping Yourself Heal During the Holidays,” can be found in its entirety at Center for Loss. His considerable number of books are available on his website.
You Are Not Alone
Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing, and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss, and emptiness.
No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year. Remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.
Talk About Your Grief
During the holiday season, don’t be afraid to express your feelings of grief. Ignoring your grief won’t make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen—without judging you. They will help make you feel understood.
Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Psychological Limits
Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued. Your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. And lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.
Eliminate Unnecessary Stress
You may already feel stressed, so don’t overextend yourself. Avoid isolating yourself but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself. Realize also that merely “keeping busy” won’t distract you from your grief but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.
Be With Supportive, Comforting People
Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings. Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings—both happy and sad.
Talk About the Person Who Has Died
Include the person’s name in your holiday conversation. If you are able to talk candidly, other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special person who was an important part of your life.
Do What Is Right for You During the Holidays
Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the holidays. Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to do. Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend. Talking about these wishes will help you clarify what it is you want to do during the holidays. As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and family.
Plan Ahead for Family Gatherings
Decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Structure your holiday time. This will help you anticipate activities, rather than just reacting to whatever happens. Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear, and anxiety during the time of the year when your feelings of grief are already heightened. As you make your plans, however, leave room to change them if you feel it is appropriate.
Embrace Your Treasure of Memories
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. And holidays always make you think about times past. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it’s all right to cry. Memories made in love can never be taken away from you.
Renew Your Resources for Living
Spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of your life. The death of someone loved created opportunities for taking inventory of your life—past, present and future. The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation. Make the best use of this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.
Express Your Faith
During the holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of beliefs. Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk about these beliefs. If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony. As you approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don’t let anyone take your grief away. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.
Christmas Day 201318 months out from losing Dylan I ran the gamut of emotions today, from true gratitude and joy with being with my family, to the utter despair, sobbing, and heartbreak of grieving the loss of my only child, my 20-year-old son. Mom said to remember the good memories through the years. That is…Keep reading
Celebrating the Holidays Mother and Child “Mother and Child”–A beautiful Christmas carol once upon a blue-sky moon. How much I wish my heart could still sing “Silent Night.” Now only “Mother without Child.” Still a mother but having lost her child. Still a holiday season of expectations. A season rich with symbolic meaning. A season…Keep reading
Surviving Grief at the Holidays Tending to a Broken Heart People say, “I can’t imagine.“ But then they do. They think that missing a dead child is like missing your kid at college or on the mission field but harder and longer. That’s not it at all. It isn’t nostalgia for a time when things…Keep reading
Struggling with Holiday Grief After Suicide Loss Suggestions and Ways to Cope With Grief Holidays bring expectations of merriment, traditions rich in meanings, and memories of past holidays. When you’ve lost your child to suicide, holidays can be impossible. Suggestions and ways to cope with grief are plentiful. Some ideas for moving through the holidays…Keep reading
The Holidays Descend: Suicide Never Ends (A Long Read Post) And so it is I checked out last night, hoisted the white flag, decided the last thing I could really do is hole up and write, knowing I needed to walk but not having the wherewithal to walk here at home on my treadmill. So…Keep reading