What Happened? A Mother’s Journey of Love and Loss

What Happened? A Mother’s Journey of Love and Loss

Summary

“What Happened? A Mother’s Journey of Love and Loss” recounts a mother’s profound journey through grief and healing after losing her beloved son, Dylan, to the heartbreaking reality of suicide. The narrative delves deeply into the complexities of grief, portraying the raw emotions and challenges one faces in the wake of such a tragic event, while also exploring the process of finding strength in vulnerability and resilience amidst despair.

Throughout the author’s story, the enduring power of love is a central theme, illustrating how the bond between mother and son transcends even death. Through poignant poetry and heartfelt personal stories, the author, Beth Brown, not only honors her son’s cherished memory but also seeks, in My Forever Son blog, to connect with and uplift others who are navigating the painful waters of similar loss, offering a sense of community and understanding among those who share this difficult journey.

Introduction

What Happened? A Mother’s Journey of Love and Loss is a heartfelt narrative that explores a mother’s profound journey after losing her 20-year-old son, Dylan, to suicide. This powerful account delves into the depths of grief while navigating the painful experience of loss. Through a collection of poignant poems and personal anecdotes, the author shares her raw emotions in My Forever Son blog. Each poem offers insight into her struggles with shock, anger, guilt, and despair but also reveals glimmers of hope. The importance of connection and community in the healing journey is emphasized, showcasing her transformation as she honors Dylan’s memory and seeks solace in shared experiences.

As she navigates the path to healing, she emphasizes the significance of resilience and the capacity to find moments of joy even in the depths of sorrow. The author’s journey is not just a personal tale of loss; it shares hope for others who may feel isolated in their grief, illustrating that while the road may be long and winding, healing is possible.

Ultimately, What Happened? A Mother’s Journey of Love and Loss is a testament to the enduring bond between a mother and her child, highlighting the profound impact of love, the significance of mental health awareness, and the possibility of life after loss. It encourages open discussions about mental health and the complexities of grief, advocating for compassion and understanding in the face of tragedy.

The Author’s Healing Process: Finding Light in Darkness

The journey of healing after losing a child to suicide is neither linear nor finite. For Beth Brown, the process began in the depths of shock and sorrow, marked by sleepless nights, overwhelming pain, and a profound sense of isolation. Early grief was a wilderness—confusing, relentless, and at times, unbearable. Yet, over time, Beth discovered that healing is not about “moving on,” but about learning to carry both ache and love, side by side, as she lives forward. 

The Role of My Forever Son: A Companion in Grief

Central to Beth’s healing has been her blog, My Forever Son: Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide. For over 13 years, this blog has grown into a vital resource for grieving parents, offering information, hope, and a sense of companionship. Through heartfelt writing, poetry, and practical advice, Beth has built a supportive community where parents can find comfort and understanding. The blog’s beautiful photography—images of roses, magnolia trees, and tranquil garden scenes—serves as a gentle reminder that beauty and renewal are possible, even in the midst of sorrow. These photographs, taken in Beth’s own gardens, invite readers to pause, breathe, and find moments of peace in nature’s resilience. 

Poetry as Healing: Featured Poems from My Forever Son

Poems and Reflections: Healing Through Words

Poetry has been a cornerstone of Beth’s healing process. Her collection, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide (available on Amazon Kindle), offers poignant reflections on the complexities of grief, love, and remembrance. These poems capture the raw emotions of loss, the struggle to find meaning, and the enduring bond between parent and child.

Each poem serves as both a tribute to Dylan’s memory and a source of comfort for parents experiencing similar pain. Through heartfelt language and imagery, Beth honors the memory of those lost while offering pathways to resilience amid sorrow. The book and blog together provide a safe space for parents to explore their emotions, share their stories, and find hope in community. 

Beth’s poetry is woven throughout her blog and her book, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide. These poems capture the raw emotions of loss, the struggle to find meaning, and the enduring bond between parent and child.

Here are selected poems from My Forever Son’ blog menu and front page. Many of these poems are included in Beth’s book of poems, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide:

• He Left Too Soon
• Bury My Heart: Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon
• Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky
• Beat Still My Heart: Sorrow Buried in Love
• If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You
• Still from Sky I’m Falling: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back
• Travel On My Brave Soldier
• Rain Comes to Heal Us All
• When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand”
• On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings
• The Song of You Which Still Now I Sing
• Shaped by Love and This Grief Come to Stay
• I Will Seek Until I Find You
• Derecho: A Storm Out of Nowhere
• Tillers of the Earth and Tenders of the Soil
• If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above)

Each poem is a tribute to Dylan’s memory and a source of comfort for parents experiencing similar pain. Through heartfelt language and imagery, Beth honors the memory of those lost while offering pathways to resilience amid sorrow. 

Share Your Story:
If you feel comfortable, I invite you to share your reflections, experiences, or moments of hope in the comments. Your story may offer comfort and connection to others walking this path.

Healing is possible. The pain will soften over time, and moments of joy can return.

Related Reads

• Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide
• Healing Grief: Poetry for Parents After Child Loss to Suicide
• 3 Years of Grief: Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide
• Understanding Grief: 3 Years After Losing a Child to Suicide
• Finding Hope Through Grief: Poems of Love and Loss

What Happened? A Mother Navigates Grief and Healing After Losing A Son to Suicide

Dylan’s death on June 25, 2012, left an indelible mark on the author’s life. To learn more about Dylan, his growing up years, and his impact, visit Twenty Years of Love: Dylan, a heartfelt tribute to Dylan, reflecting on his life, cherished memories, and the profound impact of his suicide. It highlights his struggles with depression and addiction, the author’s efforts to help him, and the enduring pain of losing a child to suicide. The post serves as a reminder of the power of love and remembrance, encouraging readers to hold onto their memories of loved ones.

What Happened? A Mother’s Journey of Love and Loss offers a heartfelt glimpse into the author’s poignant journey as she navigates the overwhelming grief and healing process following the devastating loss of her son to suicide. Within the pages of this blog, the author’s tender narrative shares the struggles of coping with such profound tragedy, highlighting the incredible strength she discovers while facing adversity, and ultimately revealing the glimmers of hope and the enduring power of love that emerge from the depths of loss.

My Forever Son

My Forever Son explores the profound grief, hope, and healing that follow the tragedy of losing a child to suicide.

My Forever Son dovetails the author’s journey of descending into deep grief, searching for hope, and finding healing along the way.

Table of Contents

A Heart-Wrenching Grief

The pounding on my front door continues. Am I dreaming? Bam, bam, bam. I open my eyes enough to see the clock on the nightstand: 4:08 a.m. Groggy and disoriented, I stumble down the hallway on my way to the front door. I can hear men’s voices.

I glance in Dylan’s bedroom where our Gordon Setter is whoofling her low, deep growl. Dylan’s bed is still made. 

Terror grips me. What’s going on? I turn the corner to the landing. I freeze.

Something’s at my front door. The porch light illuminates three men. Shadow shapes, their thickness and size, even dim in the yellow porch light, rise stark against the darkness of the night.

“Open up! Deputy Sheriff,” the tallest shadow in the middle of three shadows yelled. “Open up!” “Open up!”

The night sky still casts darkness everywhere, the shadow shapes illuminated only by my porch light. No moon and not yet sun rising. A deep dark lacking stars and sun, moon and morning’s dawn.

Terrified and fully awake, I realize Dylan has not come home.

Beth Brown, The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief, My Forever Son

Losing My Only Child to Suicide: A Mother’s Story

To understand the poignant story behind this blog and the author’s deeply personal experience, go here: The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief which recounts the author’s harrowing experience of losing her son to suicide. Her story highlights her grief, guilt, and the healing power of writing. The blog “My Forever Son” came about as a way for the author to work through this devastating grief that follows the loss of a child to suicide. My Forever Son blog serves as a platform for sharing experiences and finding healing and solace in community.

Telling Dylan’s Story

In Twenty Years of Love: Dylan the author’s sister, Linda Taylor, reflects on the love and memories that have shaped the extended family’s journey through grief.

The emotional impact is strong, capturing the author’s enduring love and pain, while also providing links to additional readings and support resources. While Dylan’s death remains shrouded in mystery, writing has served as a means of navigating the depths of grief and finding hope for the future.

Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered

Written by the author’s sister, Linda

An excerpt from Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered

Twenty Years

Twenty years: from birth, from before birth treasured and loved, Dylan. Held now in God’s hands, held always in God’s hands but oh how I wish him back.

I remember the first time I held him, how precious and small

In 1991, Beth called to share the news that she was pregnant. Beth had some health issues so there were trips to the hospital to protect her health and his, but finally, I got the call that he was born. I remember the first time I held him, how precious and small. I sat on the floor with him in my arms.

Read More: Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered

Navigating Early Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide

Memorial Day: “A Mother’s Reflection on Loss, Love, and Unimaginable Grief”

To delve into the intricate journey of navigating early grief, take a moment to read Memorial Day: A Mother’s Reflection on Loss, Love, and Unimaginable Grief. In this heartfelt piece, the author eloquently explores not just the profound sorrow of losing a child to suicide, but also the complexities of love that remain entwined with that loss.

As she shares her personal experiences, readers are invited to reflect upon their own encounters with grief, understanding that this journey is often layered with memories that can both comfort and ache. The nuanced perspective offered provides an opportunity for connection, empathy, and healing, resonating deeply with anyone who has faced the challenging realities of mourning and remembrance.

“Shaped by Love and This Grief Come to Stay”: A Poem on Suicide Loss

“Shaped by Love and This Grief Come to Stay”: A Poem on Suicide Loss delves into the profound emotions of loss and the intricate bonds we share with our loved ones, illuminating the path to healing through heart-wrenching poetry. This powerful narrative captures not only the weight of sorrow that can linger but also the moments of beauty and connection that arise from such depths of grief.

As each stanza unfolds, readers are invited to reflect on their own journeys, feeling the resonance of shared experiences and the universal nature of love and loss. The exploration of these themes allows for a deeper understanding of how we navigate through pain, ultimately guiding us toward acceptance and hope in the midst of heartache.

A Poem About What Happened: “He Left Too Soon”

He Left Too Soon

He left too soon, 
Lifting life from June, 
Casting torrents of rain,
And in his absence, only pain,
This heaving ache, 
Beating tears come to stay
Still falling.

I knew his first breath and his last.   
A month early, cusp of spring, 
March awakening when still winter clings, 
My little one in such a hurry.

Breaking loose, all hell, 
Earth's upturned rupture, 
Death's shadow glaring over me   
As I lay flowers on his grave.

Beloved Son, inscribed and bronzed, 
A permanence come to stay.
An ache I don't want, 
My love laced now in pain 
Standing over my son's grave, 
Sky constant gray casting 
Death to walk in my shadow.


© Beth Brown, 2021, "He Left Too Soon"

This poem, “He Left too Soon,” is included in Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide.

Remembering Mother’s Day: What Happened?

“I’ll love you forever, mom. Love, Dylan”

Yesterday, I found a Mother’s Day card from 2012. It is bright orange, Dylan’s favorite color as a child, and it is beautiful. I wasn’t looking for the card, and it kind of just appeared. I saw it sticking out of a pile of other cards and things I’ve been intending to sort, organize, and put in a keepsake box.

The card says “mom, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t need your love and support. . .and I can’t imagine a time when I won’t. Happy Mother’s Day With Love” and Dylan signed it “I’ll love you forever mom. Love Dylan.”

That did me in. It’s now on my desk beside me, propped open to the “I’ll love you forever mom, Love, Dylan”

He Knew, He Just Couldn’t Tell Me

He knew, he just couldn’t tell me. I love him so much still, always, forever. Love doesn’t die. It is only this interim between now and when I get to see him again that brings ache and sadness and a constant heavy heart.

Orange Always Was His Favorite Color

And now just this--orange always his favorite color,
His last Mother's Day card to me--

And then June. Red Roses in June.
He left too soon, 
Lifting life from June, 
Casting torrents of rain,
And in his absence, only pain,
This heaving ache, 
Beating tears come to stay
Still falling.

I knew his first breath and his last.   
A month early, cusp of spring, 
March awakening when still winter clings, 
My little one in such a hurry.

©Beth Brown, "He left too Soon": A Mother's Deep Sorrow

Suggested Reads

[Suggested Read]: Carrying Ache and Love: Healing Longterm Grief in Suicide Loss reflects on the author’s journey with losing her son to suicide, a deeply personal and heartbreaking experience that has forever altered her life. This poignant narrative delves into the profound sorrow she feels, capturing the relentless ache that accompanies such a tragic loss. 

Through her introspection, she explores the complexities of grief, love, and the struggle to find meaning in a world that feels irrevocably changed. The journey showcases not only her pain but also the enduring love she holds for her son, illustrating how that love continues to shape her existence even in the face of despair. As she navigates the emotions of guilt, confusion, and memories, the author invites readers to reflect on the impact of suicide and the universal themes of love and loss that connect us all.

[Suggested Read]: I Want It All Back: Remembering Dylan, My Forever Son captures a deep sense of grief and personal memories associated with the author’s son, Dylan, conveying a strong emotional connection. Vivid imagery and personal anecdotes evoke a strong emotional response from readers, inviting them to reflect on their own experiences of loss and love. 

Through poignant recollections of joyful moments spent together and the profound silence that now fills the author’s life, the narrative illustrates not only the irreplaceable bond shared between parent and child but also the enduring impact of those cherished memories. The post invites readers to join in a journey of remembrance, encouraging them to celebrate the lives of those they have lost, while also acknowledging the pain of separation that remains in their hearts.

You are not alone. Many parents have walked this path and found ways to survive and heal.

 What Happened? All Giggles and Squeals

From Stride Rites to Gray Nikes

Giggles and squeals and all that blond hair. Little white leather Stride Rite shoes, worn and scuffed because you wanted to see and do so much.

I have your first pair of shoes, little one, and I have your last pair of shoes– Gray Nikes. Size 11, puppy feet on a young man still, yet, and always a teenager. And so in these shoes, in little baby feet, I measured steps-counting-always, your number of days here.

Oh little one, where did time go?

Audio: “My Child on Earth (Above in Heaven’s Care): A Lullaby of Hope”

“My Child on Earth (Above in Heaven’s Care): A Lullaby of Hope”

“My Child on Earth Above in Heaven’s Care”: A Lullaby of Hope

All music & lyrics ©Beth Brown, “My Child on Earth Above in Heaven’s Care”

Beth Brown, author of “My Forever Son,” wrote the lullaby “My Child on Earth Above in Heaven’s Care” as a way to express her grief and hope after losing her son Dylan to suicide. The song, which began as a simple melody in Dylan’s room, evolved into a heartfelt expression of her love and longing for her son. Through her blog and music, Brown aims to connect with others who have experienced similar losses, offering solace and understanding.

If you’re seeking a “lullaby of hope” for a child in heaven, the song “My Child on Earth Above In Heaven’s Care: A Lullaby of Hope” by Beth Brown, is featured on her blog, My Forever Son.

Coping with Grief: Counting Hours, Days, Months, Years

When I started this blog, I was approaching Dylan’s third year memorial date. You can read about my third year here: Three Years of Grief and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide, a heartfelt collection of five journal entries that share the author’s experiences with grief, hope, and healing three years after the tragic loss of her son, Dylan, to suicide. These entries beautifully capture cherished memories, the challenges in grieving a child, and unexpected moments of joy that come with deep sadness.

In year three after losing my son, holidays were still impossible, and still, I counted hours, days, months, and years. Still, the tears fell, though more quietly now. Still, I looked backwards more than forwards in my life.

Learning to Live As Is, As Now

As I write now, it has been nearly 10 years, a decade of grief and healing since I lost Dylan. In A Decade After Suicide Loss: Reflections on Longterm Grief, Beth Brown shares her decade-long healing journey after the loss of her son, Dylan, to suicide. She emphasizes the importance of community support, therapy, and self-reflection, finding solace in nature and gratitude for small moments. A Decade After Suicide Loss: Reflections on Longterm Grief an emotional reflection on grief and healing, offering valuable perspectives that resonate with those who have faced similar experiences.

How did I get here?

I’ve included in this blog many of the strategies and resources for support that have helped me find hope and healing these past 12 years. In early grief, I couldn’t focus on anything (and I am an avid reader).

Slowly, though, I read one book about losing a child to suicide, then another, then another and so on. Even today, 12 years after losing my son, I still seek out and read about losing a child, finding hope, healing, and a way forward carrying ache and love.

Hold On, Pain Eases

For me, hope means Hold On, Pain Eases. The rawness of my grief has eased into a familiarity I am accustomed to carrying, a bittersweet reminder of love that once filled my life with joy and laughter.

As the seasons change, so too does my understanding of this profound loss.

My love for my son is my grief for my son, and my grief for my son is the enormous love I will always have for him, intertwined forever in construct of my heart.

In moments of solitude, I find solace in the whispers of his laughter, while the weight of his absence reminds me, albeit painfully, of the depth of my love for my son.

I have struggled to learn how to live now, as is, as now, in the wake of having lost Dylan to suicide. It’s been a profound journey filled with heartache and moments of clarity. Each day presents its own challenges, where the silence of his absence often feels overwhelming.

But throughout these past eleven years, I have navigated the winding path of grief, a path that while fraught with searing pain and heartbreak in the beginning has become more about remembering Dylan with love.

You can read more about my story here: 11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe is a poignant poem that reflects my ongoing grief and longing for my son, Dylan, who died by suicide 11 years ago at the age of 20. As my only child, his loss has fundamentally changed my daily life, casting a long shadow over my existence. Each day, I navigate a world altered by his absence, cherishing our memories while feeling the void that is left behind. The photographs that adorn my walls tell a story of joy and laughter, but they also serve as a stark reminder of what I have lost. 

Dylan’s laughter and warmth remain with me, echoing in my heart and driving my hope even in times of heartache. I find solace in small moments that remind me of him, whether it’s a song or a fleeting scent that brings back a beautiful memory. I hold onto the belief that love lives even the darkest of moments and that the bond we shared is unbreakable by death. I believe that someday, I will see my son again, holding him tightly and never letting go. Just for now, I feel him with me always, guiding me through the uncertainties of life and watching over me.

Carrying Ache and Love

Through tears and over time, I have learned to carry both ache and love, finding ways to honor Dylan’s memory while still seeking serenity in everyday moments. It’s a delicate balance, often a struggle, as I embrace the complexities of my emotions, learning that it’s okay to hold both the bittersweet sorrow of loss and the tenderness of good memories close to my heart.

My grief at times has been circuitous, circling back to feelings and memories I thought I had dealt with, thought I had come to terms with, a guilt that lingers still.

Losing Dylan to suicide continues to shape my understanding of life and love, moving me through the seasons of my grief.

Sometimes, holding on one day, one breath at a time, is enough to know that time will pass, that even in the depths of the bowls of grief, there is hope in knowing this too shall pass.

Life is a journey of ups and downs, sorting things out, letting things go, a series of start-ups and surprises along the way. I wish that Dylan had stayed to see this. That his lows would again rise, that life eventually sorts itself out, especially with close friends and family for support, and that healing and hope can come.

Even when it’s darkest. Even when all seems and feels lost. Even when we feel so alone and so on our own.

When hope feels so elusive, know hope lives even where darkness dwells, even where sorrow weeps for a heart that cannot heal, and especially where futility feels so infinitely endless and vast.

Hold on, pain eases. H.O.P. E.

You are not alone.

Finding Healing Strategies and Ways to Cope

Losing a child to suicide is an impossible grief journey, and it takes an impossible manifestation of courage, strength, hope, and perseverance to keep on keeping on, and in truth, to even want to keep on keeping on. It has taken me almost three years of intense, acute grieving to want to be here, but still, on most days, I have to consciously seek healing strategies and ways to cope.

Finding Immediate Support Resources for Suicide Loss Survivors provides a comprehensive list of support resources, books for grieving a suicide loss, and poetry about losing a child to suicide. It aims to guide individuals through the complex emotions that often accompany such a tragic loss, offering a safe space where they can find both solace and understanding. The curated selection includes not only literature that addresses the multifaceted nature of grief but also practical suggestions for coping mechanisms, support groups, and online forums where survivors can share their experiences.

Carrying Ache and Love

After twelve years, I am no longer in the throes of acute grief. My life, while different, is steadier now, shaped by the experiences that have enriched my understanding of love and loss.

Each day brings its own challenges and moments of reflection, yet I have discovered that beauty can exist alongside sorrow. Though if you’ve lost a child to suicide, grief never really goes away; it lingers as a shadow, ever-present as a part of your love.

Over the course of twelve years, I’ve learned to carry the ache and the love, side by side, through each day, allowing myself to remember the good moments Dylan and I shared while also honoring the pain that follows. This balance has become part of my journey, shaping a resilience hearty enough to tough it out when grief surges at holidays, birthdays, and his memorial date.

Writing My Way Through Grief

While I began journaling in 2015, I have only in the past few years begun expressing what it is like to lose a child to suicide through writing poems.

Healing Grief: Poetry for Parents After Child Loss to Suicide is a poignant collection of poems and poetic reflections that explore the deep emotions of grief and healing following the loss of a child. After losing her son Dylan to suicide in 2012, Brown conveys the journey of mourning through tender poems that resonate with readers. Her heartfelt language and imagery honor the memory of those lost while offering comfort and pathways to resilience amid sorrow.

This journey has been incredibly cathartic, as each word poured onto the page serves as both a tribute to my child’s memory and a way to process the profound grief that accompanies such a tragic loss.

Writing these poems allows me to explore the tangled emotions of despair, love, and longing, creating a unique narrative that captures the complexities of losing my son to suicide.

I also write songs about child loss as a way to express deep emotions and find solace. Through poignant lyrics and heartfelt melodies, I give voice to the indescribable pain of loss while offering a sense of solace and understanding, reminding parents that they are not alone in their grief.

When the Depression Came

Depression Was There All Along

There were nearly 200 people at Dylan’s funeral on June 29th, 2012. He was much beloved, a close friend and brother to all the boys he grew up with, a gifted musician, an academic scholar, an incredibly kind and wonderful soul. He got sick with depression early on, when he was 5 years old, and in the end, just couldn’t beat this formidable adversary.

[Suggested Reading]: Derecho: A Storm Out of Nowhere – Grief Poem “He Left Too Soon” skillfully intertwines the sorrow stemming from the loss of her son to suicide with the tumult wrought by a powerful Derecho storm that occurred on the day of his funeral. Included in her publication, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide, the poem that was inspired by the Derecho, “He Left Too Soon,” explores the profound grief and emotional turmoil she experienced. Through her eloquent writing, Brown aspires to offer solace to those enduring similar tragedies, thereby shedding light on the fragility of life and the enduring strength of love amidst sorrow.

Walking Through Shadows

Dylan was, and will always be, my heart’s song and joy. I am forever bonded to my son, and he lives on, not just “in my heart,” but in everything I do and all that I am. I fully expect to be reunited with Dylan again–and this time for eternity–when God sees fit and it is time.

I miss and love and adore my son. All the time. And he is always my first and last thought each day. I have learned to be busy, distracted, during my days, but whenever my mind stills, Dylan is there.

Dylan is always there.

Bittersweet Memories

Sometimes wonderful memories of Dylan seep in—but only just now, after 3 years of acute agony, pain, and the hell of grieving the loss of my only child to suicide.

Beautiful, albeit bittersweet memories come sweeping in and across the landscape of my heart and soul and body, and for a precious moment in time, I am reminded of and surrounded by all the precious love bonds between Dylan and me.

Let the Tears Fall

Other times, I am caught off guard in deep, deep ache and heart-wrenching pain. Tears always come, not always publicly, as I am sometimes able to make it to my car, or leave wherever I am to go home; other times, I just let the tears fall. I still sob after three years, just not as long and usually on my own, although this is not always the case.

[Suggested Reading]: Healing Grief: Embracing Quiet Tears After 3 Years of Loss is a poignant reflection on navigating life after unimaginable loss. It takes readers on an emotional journey, highlighting the quiet moments of sorrow that linger long after others have moved on. Healing Grief: Embracing Quiet Tears After 3 Years of Loss explores the overwhelming emotions of sorrow, anger, guilt, and confusion that resurface during this time, especially for parents mourning a child lost to suicide. Through heartfelt anecdotes, the author showcases the balance between mourning and cherishing memories, weaving joyful moments with reflections on profound absence.

Perhaps He is With Me Still

My little white cat comes to me when I cry. She circles my feet until I pick her up, then tucks into me. Perhaps Dylan is with me still.

The Story of My Forever Son

What Happened? The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief

I started this blog, My Forever Son: Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide in 2015, three years into my journey of grief. You can read more about what happened here: The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief recounts the author’s harrowing experience of losing her son to suicide. Her story highlights her grief, guilt, and the healing power of writing, especially through works like the “If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above)” poem: reflections on love and loss. The blog “My Forever Son” came about as a way for the author to work through this devastating grief that follows the loss of a child to suicide. My Forever Son blog serves as a platform for sharing experiences and finding healing and solace in community.

Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing

Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing offers a heartfelt collection of poems that deeply resonate with the profound sorrow of parents who have experienced the unimaginable pain of losing a child to suicide. These poignant verses navigate the intense emotions of this tragic loss, beautifully capturing the stages of grief while gently guiding readers towards hope and healing on their journey through grief.

The Magnolia Tree: A Symbol of Grief and Resilience

The Magnolia Tree: A Symbol of Grief and Resilience, explores the author’s journey of grief through the metaphor of a Magnolia tree’s cyclical seasons. The author uses photography to illustrate the parallels between nature’s cycles and the seasons of grief, finding hope and healing in writing, gardening, and nature’s resilience. The Magnolia tree’s resilience symbolizes renewal and the possibility of finding joy again despite profound heartbreak. After reflections on nature’s resilience, the author reflects on grief and healing (echoes of joy and shadows of loss) after losing her son to suicide.

Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief

Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief compassionately delves into the profound challenges of navigating the grief that follows a suicide. The author, who has experienced the heart-wrenching loss of her son, shares her deeply moving personal journey, offering comfort and understanding to those who find themselves in similar anguish. This heartfelt post not only shares her story but also provides a thoughtful collection of articles and professional resources, aimed at helping parents cope with the unimaginable pain of losing a child to suicide.

Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide

Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide offers a gentle and understanding perspective on the complex emotions that emerge after the devastating loss of a loved one through suicide, particularly from the vantage point of parents.This guide thoughtfully addresses the overwhelming and often contradictory feelings of grief, guilt, and sorrow that can envelop parents navigating such profound heartache.

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: A Guide for Parents

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: A Guide for Parents gently supports parents navigating the profound sorrow of losing a child to suicide. This heartfelt article acknowledges the intense grief that such a tragedy brings and offers compassionate guidance on finding a way forward. The healing strategies shared emphasize self-care and the importance of seeking professional help, while inviting parents to connect with others who understand their pain.

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Carrying Ache and Love: Healing Longterm Grief in Suicide Loss

I have shared my grief journey on this blog, My Forever Son, reflecting on those painful early years and sharing glimmers of hope along the way. Through sleepless nights and tears, I found that my deep love for my son sustains me through his absence.

Carrying both ache and love after losing my son to suicide has been the crux of my grief journey these past 12 years. I share insights into healing from deep grief in the article, Carrying Ache and Love: Healing Longterm Grief in Suicide Loss, where ache for his absence and love for my son walk together in my heart. Holding hands, one is never without the other, but ache and love have carried me—and carry me still. 

When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand”

When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand,” explores the difficult topic of suicide through the touching treatise, “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand,” which challenges the idea that it is just a choice. This meaningful work discusses the certainty of death, no matter the cause, and the limits of love in preventing such loss. Beth Brown, who wrote both the treatise and this article, shares her personal journey of grief after losing her son to suicide, finding comfort in writing and nature photography.

Meet Dylan, My Forever Son

Twenty Years of Love: Dylan

Twenty Years of Love: Dylan offers a poignant exploration of grief and loss, blending together cherished memories and reflections on Dylan’s life. The emotional resonance of this piece is deeply felt, beautifully portraying both the love and sorrow that the author carries in their heart. The thoughtful inclusion of links to further readings about Dylan and resources for support is a compassionate touch that adds immense value to those who may be navigating similar journeys.

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Walking Through Shadows: Surviving the Unthinkable Loss of a Child to Suicide

Walking through Shadows: Surviving the Unthinkable Loss of a Child to Suicide offers a deeply moving and heartfelt narrative that illuminates the unimaginable pain of losing a child to suicide. The personal stories shared create a sincere and unfiltered glimpse into the heavy journey of grief and the gradual path toward healing. Through poignant reflections and a poetic exploration on grief, the author navigates the chaotic emotions that accompany such a catastrophic event, revealing both the struggles and the moments of unexpected solace that can emerge even in the darkest times.

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I Want It All Back: Remembering Dylan, My Forever Son

I Want It All Back: Remembering Dylan, My Forever Son lovingly encapsulates the profound heartache and cherished memories tied to the author’s beloved son, Dylan. Through heartfelt imagery and poignant personal stories, it invites readers to share in an emotional journey that resonates deeply, fostering a compassionate understanding of loss and love.

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I Want to Believe: Searching for Hope After Losing My Son to Suicide

I Want to Believe: Searching for Hope After Losing My Son to Suicide is a heartfelt collection of personal reflections and cherished memories that navigates the profound journey of grief and hope following the heartbreaking loss of a son to suicide. The rawness of the emotions is deeply felt, drawing readers into a shared space of empathy. Through vivid descriptions and nostalgic elements, the work evokes a sense of connection and understanding, while the stunning images inspire hope and healing amidst the sorrow.

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Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered in Our Hearts

Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered in Our Hearts invites readers into the heart/h-wrenching yet beautifully profound journey of a mother’s grief after the devastating loss of her beloved 20-year-old son, Dylan, who tragically died by suicide. Through a heartfelt collection of original poems and personal reflections, she courageously shares the painful complexities of her sorrow, the small moments of hope that emerged, and her ongoing path toward healing.

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Heartfelt Stories and Poems of Love and Loss

“On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” Poem: Grieving a Child’s Suicide

“On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” Poem: Grieving a Child’s Suicide delves into the deep, heart-wrenching sorrow of losing a child to suicide. This poignant piece not only articulates the immense pain of such a loss but also provides vital resources to navigate the challenging journey of grief. With tender personal reflections and thoughtful coping strategies, the post and poem, “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” serves as a compassionate companion for those who are enduring similar heartaches. 

A Grandmother’s Love Held Together the Family Table

A Grandmother’s Love Held Together the Family Table chronicles a family’s journey through the loss of their beloved son, Dylan. This tragedy alters their connections, turning a joyful gathering space into one of reflection. The narrative captures the struggle between despair and acceptance, underscoring love’s enduring power amidst heartache. In honoring Dylan’s memory, they find unexpected joy in their grief, illustrating the resilience of the human spirit in the face of loss.

Grandparents’ Double Grief: Losing a Grandchild to Suicide

Grandparents’ Double Grief: Losing a Grandchild to Suicide gently delves into the profound and heart-wrenching sorrow experienced by grandparents who endure the unimaginable loss of their grandchild. This painful journey envelops them in a dual mourning, as they grieve not only the precious life that is gone but also the shattered dreams and cherished memories that will sorrowfully remain unrealized for their own child, the grieving parent.

Memorial Day: A Mother’s Reflection on Loss, Love, and Unbearable Tragedy

Memorial Day: A Mother’s Reflection on Loss, Love, and Unbearable Tragedy beautifully captures the deep sorrow and unwavering love a mother feels for her son. The author bravely shares her heartfelt journey, navigating the immense pain and heartbreak tied to her son’s fourth suicide attempt on Memorial Day. Through her poignant narrative, she reveals the complex layers of a mother’s grief, intricately woven with fleeting moments of hope that resonate powerfully with anyone who is facing loss.

“Shaped by Love–And This Grief Come to Stay”: A Poem on Suicide Loss

Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love” Poem Analysis explores the profound sorrow a parent endures after losing a child to suicide. It addresses themes of grief and guilt, highlighting the heavy shadow such a tragedy casts on life. This poignant narrative captures a parent’s transformative journey in the wake of their child’s absence, revealing emotions of shame while confronting societal stigma surrounding suicide. With compassion and insight, the poem resonates with anyone who has faced similar heart-wrenching experiences.

11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe

11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe powerfully conveys the depths of my unyielding grief and a relentless yearning for my beloved son, Dylan, whose vibrant spirit was tragically stolen by suicide eleven heart-wrenching years ago at merely twenty. As my only child, his absence has carved an immense void in my soul, reshaping every facet of my life while perpetually stirring the cherished memories of the beautiful moments we once savored together.

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Support, Hope, and Healing: Essential Resources and Strategies

Key Resources for Understanding Suicide

The articles below include key resources for understanding suicide and coping with grief. They offer compassionate guidance. Notably, the “Rain Comes to Heal Us All” Poem: Finding Hope After Loss, provides solace. Grief involves stigma, guilt, and various emotions from anger to relief.

Research indicates that suicide is not a conscious choice, necessitating a non-judgmental emotional healing approach. Support groups and educational materials empower survivors, fostering community connections.

The content includes the author’s story of losing her child, emotional support resources, insights on suicide, grief duration discussions, and resources for bereaved parents.

Healing After Suicide: Essential Books for Parents

Healing After Suicide: Essential Books for Parents is a comprehensive resource for parents grieving the loss of a child to suicide. The book offers a curated list of books, including practical guides, narratives, poetry, and novels, providing support and understanding for those navigating grief. The author, Beth Brown, shares her personal journey of loss and healing, emphasizing the importance of support groups and educational materials in the grieving process.

Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice

Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice explores the emotional complexities surrounding suicide, challenging the notion that it is a choice. Dr. John Ackerman highlights the myriad factors influencing suicidal thoughts, emphasizing that individuals often seek relief from overwhelming pain rather than wanting to end their lives. This piece encourages empathy and awareness, making it essential reading for those wanting to support loved ones in distress.

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: Support, Resources, and Self-Care for Bereaved Parents

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide, Support, Resources, and Self-Care for Bereaved Parents offers a comprehensive list of resources and support for individuals grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide. It includes personal insights, professional perspectives, and a curated selection of books and support groups. The author, Beth Brown, shares her own experience of losing her son to suicide and emphasizes the importance of seeking help and understanding.

Surviving Suicide Grief: Does the Pain Ever End?

Surviving Suicide Grief: Does the Pain Ever End? offers a compassionate look at and attempts to response to one of the most profound challenges of longterm grief after suicide loss: Does the pain of losing a child to suicide is profound and never fully goes away, but it does change and become a part of one’s life. Finding support through counseling, support groups, and connecting with others who have experienced similar losses is crucial for healing. Grief is a journey with seasons that come and go, and it is possible to learn to live with the pain while honoring the love for the lost child.

To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to be here and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain does change, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoy life again. It will never be like before but the crushing, all consuming pain you feel right now will soften. You will be able to live with it. It just becomes part of you.

A parent who lost their child to suicide

Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched”

Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched” features Ronald Rolheiser’s writings on suicide which offer a compassionate and spiritual perspective, emphasizing that suicide is often a tragic consequence of mental illness, not a voluntary act. He encourages loved ones to release guilt and second-guessing, understanding that they are not responsible for the person’s death. Rolheiser also highlights the importance of remembering the deceased’s life beyond their suicide, trusting in God’s infinite love and understanding.

Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters

Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters explores the pain and grief surrounding suicide, emphasizing that it is not a conscious choice but a desperate attempt to escape unbearable suffering. The article highlights current research, personal stories, and compassionate support for those struggling with depression and mental health, aiming to break the stigma surrounding suicide. It provides resources and insights into the complexities of grief and the journey towards healing.

The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief

The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief, recounts the author’s harrowing experience of losing her son to suicide. Her story highlights her grief, guilt, and the healing power of writing. The blog “My Forever Son” came about as a way for the author to work through this devastating grief that follows the loss of a child to suicide. My Forever Son blog serves as a platform for sharing experiences and finding healing and solace in community.

Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief

These Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief offer invaluable support for parents grappling with the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. Rich in compassion and understanding, they provide personal narratives, expert insights on grief, and essential strategies for healing.

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources provides a compassionate guide to support parents through the pain of losing a child to suicide. It explores the journey of grief, the importance of support networks, and self-care during this difficult time. The guide offers suggestions for honoring a child’s memory, creating a meaningful legacy to provide solace amidst heartache.

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt exploration of the overwhelming emotions that parents face after the tragic loss of a child to suicide. It delicately unravels the deep feelings of grief, guilt, and despair that can engulf those grappling with such an unimaginable sorrow. Through intimate personal stories and touching quotes, it provides a compassionate perspective that aims to comfort and support parents on their difficult healing journey.

Self-Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son

Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son is a deeply emotional narrative that explores feelings of self-blame and guilt after the loss of a son. This poignant story guides readers through the tumultuous emotions parents face, sharing the author’s deep sorrow and questioning what could have been done differently. It emphasizes the need for support and understanding during the arduous healing journey.

“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief

“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief is a powerful poem that reflects the overwhelming “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” guilt parents experience after losing a child to suicide. The poetic language directly addresses the haunting “What If?” and “Why Didn’t I See?” questions that plague those left behind, emphasizing the helplessness and regret that linger after such a tragic loss. The poem serves as a conduit for healing and self-forgiveness, exploring the possibility of moving beyond guilt and embracing acceptance, allowing love to shine through even the darkest of times.

Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling”

Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling” is a poignant poem that captures the intense emotions of grief and guilt after losing a child to suicide. The verses convey heartbreak and the struggle to find solace, using nature as a symbol for the grief journey. Vivid imagery of hawks circling above parallels feelings of despair, evoking a sense of helplessness in processing pain. Every line resonates with the weight of memories and the ache of loss, inviting readers to reflect on their own experiences with grief.

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Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress

After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
http://www.personalgriefcoach.net
This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.

Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors
http://www.allianceofhope.org
This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.

Friends for Survival
http://www.friendsforsurvival.org
This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.

HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide
http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org
This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.

Resources and Support Groups

Parents of Suicides and Friends & Families of Suicides (POS-FFOS)
http://www.pos-ffos.com
This website provides a public message board called Suicide Grief Support Forum, a listserv for parents, a separate listserv for others, and an online chat room for survivors of suicide loss.

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)
https://www.taps.org/suicide
This organization provides resources and programs for people grieving the loss of a loved one who died while serving in the U.S. armed forces or as a result of their service. It has special resources and programs for suicide loss survivors.

United Survivors
https://unitesurvivors.org/
This organization is a place where people who have experienced suicide loss, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts and feelings, and their friends and families, can connect to use their lived experience to advocate for policy, systems, and cultural change.

Professional Organizations

American Association of Suicidology
suicidology.org • (202) 237-2280
Promotes public awareness, education and training for professionals, and sponsors an annual Healing After Suicide conference for suicide loss survivors. In addition to the conference, they offer a coping with suicide grief handbook by Jeffrey Jackson. This booklet is also available in Spanish.

The Compassionate Friends
compassionatefriends.org • (877) 969-0010
Offers resources for families after the death of a child. They sponsor support groups, newsletters and online support groups throughout the country, as well as an annual national conference for bereaved families.

The Dougy Center
The National Center for Grieving Children & Families
dougy.org • (503) 775-5683
Publishes extensive resources for helping children and teens who are grieving a death including death by suicide. Resources include the “Children, Teens and Suicide Loss” booklet created in partnership with AFSP. This booklet is also available in Spanish.

Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
thelink.org/nrc-for-suicide-prevention-aftercar • 404-256-2919
Dedicated to reaching out to those whose lives have been impacted by suicide and connecting them to available resources.

Tragedy Assistance Programs for Survivors (TAPS)
taps.org/suicide • (800) 959-TAPS (8277)
Provides comfort, care and resources to all those grieving the death of a military loved one through a national peer support network and connection to grief resources, all at no cost to surviving families and loved ones.

LOSS
losscs.org
Offers support groups, remembrance events, companioning, suicide postvention and prevention education, and training to other communities interested in developing or enhancing their suicide postvention and prevention efforts.

Online resources

Alliance of Hope
allianceofhope.org
Provides a 24/7 online forum for suicide loss survivors.

Help Guide
helpguide.org
Provides resources and tips for how to navigate the loss of someone to suicide.

Parents of Suicides (POS) – Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS)
pos-ffos.com
An internet community to connect parents, friends, and family that have lost someone to suicide.

SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
save.org/programs/suicide-loss-support • (952) 946-7998
Hosts resources for suicide loss survivor including a support group database, newsletter, survivor conference and the Named Memorial Program, which offers a special way to honor your loved one.

Siblings Survivors of Suicide Loss
siblingsurvivors.com
Provides resources and a platform to connect with others that have lost a sibling to suicide.

Finding professional care and support

Find a mental health provider

• afsp.org/FindAMentalHealthProfessional
• findtreatment.samhsa.gov
• mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help
• inclusivetherapists.com
• afsp.org/suicide-bereavement-trained-clinicians

Find a provider for prolonged grief

• prolongedgrief.columbia.edu

Find additional resources for marginalized communities

• afsp.org/mental-health-resources-for-marginalized-communities

Crisis Services

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
988lifeline.org
Call or text 988 (press 1 for Veterans, 2 for Spanish, 3 for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults) or chat 988lifeline.org
A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With crisis centers across the country, their mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.

Crisis Text Line
crisistextline.org
Text TALK to 741-741 for English
Text AYUDA to 741-741 for Spanish
Provides free, text-based mental health support and crisis intervention by empowering a community of trained volunteers to support people in their moments of need, 24/7.

Messages of Hope: Concrete Actions for the Journey

Reminders:

• Just breathe. When grief feels overwhelming, pause and focus on your breath. Inhale slowly, exhale gently. “One moment at a time.”
• Ground yourself in the present. Notice something beautiful—a flower, a photograph, a memory. Let it anchor you, even briefly, in the here and now.
• Reach out for support. Call a friend, join a support group, or connect with others online. You do not have to carry this alone.
• Express your feelings. Write, draw, sing, or speak your pain. Creative expression can be a powerful release.
• Honor your child’s memory. Light a candle, plant a flower, or share a story. Small rituals can bring comfort.
• Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself: “I am doing the best I can.” There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
• Seek professional help. Therapy and crisis lines are available whenever you need them.

Call to Action: Reflection, Solace, and Sharing

Grief has no finish line. It is fluid, changing shape as we live forward. Pause and reflect on where you are in your journey:

• What does hope look like for you right now?
• Have you noticed any moments—however brief—when you felt a sense of peace or relief?
• What helps you pause, breathe, and anchor yourself in the present?
• Who or what has offered you comfort, even if only for a moment?

Challenge yourself:

• Can you find one small thing today that brings you comfort or beauty?
• Is there a way you can honor your child’s memory—through a ritual, a story, or a creative act?
• Who can you reach out to, or who might simply listen to your story without judgment?

Ways to find solace:

• Walking in nature
• Being with a friend who listens
• Getting active—movement, dance, exercise
• Expressing through art, music, photography
• Mindfulness and meditation
• Therapy and support groups

Reminders for parents new to grief:

• “Just breathe.”
• “One moment at a time.”
• “You are not alone.”
• “It’s okay to ask for help.”
• “Healing is possible, even if it feels far away.”

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