A Poem of Guilt in Grief After Suicide Loss: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back

A Poem of Guilt in Grief: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back

ABOUT THIS POST: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back is a poem about feeling guilt and self-blame after losing a child to suicide. I lost my 20-year-old-son, my only child, to suicide June 25, 2012. I knew I couldn’t survive the trauma of grief after losing Dylan to suicide; I needed to seek support, resources, and guidance.

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What Helped: Moving Through the Guilt in Grief and Making Room for Forgiveness

You Are Not Alone

Most of all, I needed hope. I felt alone in my grief, desperate and suicidal, clinging to life one breath at a time. I had to be reminded to breathe, and eating, sleeping, and working were impossible my first year of grief.

Parents of Suicides’ Support Group

I happened upon an online Parents of Suicides’ support group in August of 2012. There I found a community of parents, all of whom had lost a child to suicide. I learned I was not alone, that asking Why? is common to grief after suicide loss, and that feeling guilty and in the throes of “if only” is common to grief after losing a child to suicide.

I also found hope in parents who had more time out from the suicide of their child. From these parents, I learned that pain “softens” over time, that I could survive, one moment at a time, that self-care was an imperative, and that grief after suicide loss of a child is messy, not linear, and not on a timeline.

Moving Beyond Self-Blame and Guilt

Grief takes as long as it takes and when you’ve lost your child to suicide? Grief remains. Yet after over a decade out from losing Dylan to suicide, I have rebuilt my life, and I have learned to feel more than just the sheer agony of grief. I have, most days, moved beyond the constant nagging guilt of grief that plagued me.

That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back: Letting Go of Guilt and Making Room for Forgiveness

Letting Go of Guilt and Making Room for Forgiveness: I wrote this poem in the throes of feeling, still, that horrendous burden of regret and what if? thinking that can be circular and obsessive. In many ways, That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back is my way of working out in words and lines that rhyme the futility of punishing myself for my son’s suicide. I loved (and still love) Dylan with all my heart and all that I am.

Instead of “If Only,” I learned that “Even Though” I did everything in my power to help my son past his pain, I was powerless over his suicide.

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A Poem of Guilt in Grief: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back

That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back  

Should've, would've, could've, 
If I'd only come to see, 
That might I future forward live
To see all eternity.

That I might know when and where somehow, 
And here and now then see,
To erase the dark and stay the day
To bring back you to me.

If only and what if now child,
And why couldn't I just see,
To hold you close forever
Rewind time, just you and me.

That darkness might not permeate
My heart now and yours then,
That all of love could sweep time back
And bring back you again. 

©Beth Brown, 2021
Find Hope Here: Featuring Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

 

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Download 3 Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

Download 3 Free Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

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Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

Bury My Heart includes five sections, each with a collection of poems based around the title: A Deep Sorrow; Earth, Sky, Moon, Stars; Why?; In Losing You, I Lost Me Too; and That My Love Be With You Always

A Deep Sorrow: In this poignant section of “Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide,” the author delves into the profound emotions and grief experienced by parents who have tragically lost a child to suicide. With heartfelt and honest verses, the section captures the raw pain, confusion, and overwhelming sadness that envelops their lives. Through the power of language, the poems aim to give voice to the unthinkable loss, offering solace, understanding, and a sense of communal support to those who find themselves navigating the devastating aftermath of such heartbreaking circumstances.

Earth, Sky, Moon, Stars: This section of the book “Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide” explores the vastness of the universe and the natural elements that surround us. Through beautifully crafted poems, it reflects on the interconnections of life and the profound sense of loss experienced when a child is lost to suicide.

Why?: The author delves into the complex emotions and thoughts that arise after the tragic loss of a child to suicide. Through poignant poems, they grapple with the haunting question of “why?” – seeking understanding, grappling with guilt, and searching for meaning amidst the devastating experience of losing a loved one to such a tragic act.

In Losing You, I Lost Me Too: Delves deep into the immense personal impact of losing a child to suicide. Through raw and introspective verses, the author explores the profound grief and the psychological journey of losing oneself in the aftermath of such a tragedy. It delves into the feelings of emptiness, self-blame, and the struggle to find a sense of identity after such a profound loss.

That My Love Be With You Always: Is a heartfelt tribute to the enduring love and connections that transcend death. It embraces the idea of eternal love and seeks solace in the belief that the love for the lost child will always remain. Through tender and poignant verses, the author celebrates the enduring bond and the hope that their love will continue to guide and protect the departed child.

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