Beautiful Good As Gold Tea Hybrid Rose Close Up-Yellow and Pink Petals, photographed for My Forever Son, Agony in Grief: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back
Good as Gold Rose, My Forever Son

A Poem of Guilt in Grief: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back

ABOUT THIS POST: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back is a poem about feeling guilt and self-blame after losing a child to suicide. I lost my 20-year-old-son, my only child, to suicide June 25, 2012. I knew I couldn’t survive the trauma of grief after losing Dylan to suicide; I needed to seek support, resources, and guidance.


Bright purple petunias and green Hosta in Summer, My Forever Son, Coping with Guilt: Strategies and Support and A Poem of Guilt in Grief: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back
Purple Petunias and Green Hosta, My Forever Son

What Helped: Moving Through the Guilt in Grief and Making Room for Forgiveness

You Are Not Alone

Most of all, I needed hope. I felt alone in my grief, desperate and suicidal, clinging to life one breath at a time. I had to be reminded to breathe, and eating, sleeping, and working were impossible my first year of grief.

Parents of Suicides’ Support Group

I happened upon an online Parents of Suicides’ support group in August of 2012. There I found a community of parents, all of whom had lost a child to suicide. I learned I was not alone, that asking Why? is common to grief after suicide loss, and that feeling guilty and in the throes of “if only” is common to grief after losing a child to suicide.

I also found hope in parents who had more time out from the suicide of their child. From these parents, I learned that pain “softens” over time, that I could survive, one moment at a time, that self-care was an imperative, and that grief after suicide loss of a child is messy, not linear, and not on a timeline.

Moving Beyond Self-Blame and Guilt

Grief takes as long as it takes and when you’ve lost your child to suicide? Grief remains. Yet after over a decade out from losing Dylan to suicide, I have rebuilt my life, and I have learned to feel more than just the sheer agony of grief. I have, most days, moved beyond the constant nagging guilt of grief that plagued me.

That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back: Letting Go of Guilt and Making Room for Forgiveness

Letting Go of Guilt and Making Room for Forgiveness: I wrote this poem in the throes of feeling, still, that horrendous burden of regret and what if? thinking that can be circular and obsessive. In many ways, That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back is my way of working out in words and lines that rhyme the futility of punishing myself for my son’s suicide. I loved (and still love) Dylan with all my heart and all that I am.

Instead of “If Only,” I learned that “Even Though” I did everything in my power to help my son past his pain, I was powerless over his suicide.


Pink and white phlox in full bloom in spring, My Forever Son, A Poem of Guilt in Grief: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back
Pink and White Phlox in Spring, My Forever Son

A Poem of Guilt in Grief: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back

That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back  

Should've, would've, could've, 
If I'd only come to see, 
That might I future forward live
To see all eternity.

That I might know when and where somehow, 
And here and now then see,
To erase the dark and stay the day
To bring back you to me.

If only and what if now child,
And why couldn't I just see,
To hold you close forever
Rewind time, just you and me.

That darkness might not permeate
My heart now and yours then,
That all of love could sweep time back
And bring back you again. 

©Beth Brown, 2021
Find Hope Here: Featuring Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

 

Download 3 Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide


Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

Available Now on Amazon Kindle

Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

Bury My Heart includes five sections, each with a collection of poems based around the title: A Deep Sorrow; Earth, Sky, Moon, Stars; Why?; In Losing You, I Lost Me Too; and That My Love Be With You Always

A Deep Sorrow: In this poignant section of “Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide,” the author delves into the profound emotions and grief experienced by parents who have tragically lost a child to suicide. With heartfelt and honest verses, the section captures the raw pain, confusion, and overwhelming sadness that envelops their lives. Through the power of language, the poems aim to give voice to the unthinkable loss, offering solace, understanding, and a sense of communal support to those who find themselves navigating the devastating aftermath of such heartbreaking circumstances.

Earth, Sky, Moon, Stars: This section of the book “Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide” explores the vastness of the universe and the natural elements that surround us. Through beautifully crafted poems, it reflects on the interconnections of life and the profound sense of loss experienced when a child is lost to suicide.

Why?: The author delves into the complex emotions and thoughts that arise after the tragic loss of a child to suicide. Through poignant poems, they grapple with the haunting question of “why?” – seeking understanding, grappling with guilt, and searching for meaning amidst the devastating experience of losing a loved one to such a tragic act.

In Losing You, I Lost Me Too: Delves deep into the immense personal impact of losing a child to suicide. Through raw and introspective verses, the author explores the profound grief and the psychological journey of losing oneself in the aftermath of such a tragedy. It delves into the feelings of emptiness, self-blame, and the struggle to find a sense of identity after such a profound loss.

That My Love Be With You Always: Is a heartfelt tribute to the enduring love and connections that transcend death. It embraces the idea of eternal love and seeks solace in the belief that the love for the lost child will always remain. Through tender and poignant verses, the author celebrates the enduring bond and the hope that their love will continue to guide and protect the departed child.


RELATED POSTS

Self-Blame and Guilt-I Couldn’t Save My Son

Self-Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son I can’t stop thinking about how much he suffered—and my own inability to save him. Lori Gottlieb, “I Blame Myself for My Son’s Death,” The Atlantic, September 7, 2020 It’s been nearly 10 years since I lost my only son to suicide. Had someone suggested in my…

Read More

I Want to Believe

I Want to Believe I want to believe–that with enough love and laughter, books and reading, friends and family, children grow up to be happy I want to believe–the stage is set early for dreams to come true: Skies dazzle in brilliant blue, clouds drift idly, stretches of pastures and woodlands lend serenity I want…

Read More

I Will Seek Until I Find You-A Poem About Losing a Child

I Will Seek Until I Find You: A Poem About Losing a Child I Will Seek Until I Find You And where will you run when arms reach (but you’re not mine) When I can feel still so strongly (holding you still in my arms) From here frantic I search wildly (but cannot ever now…

Read More

A Poem of Regret: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back

A Poem Of Regret: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back ABOUT THIS POST: Originally Published in 2015 when I first started this blog as “My Forever Son, My Beloved Dylan: The Unwanted Effect of Living Backwards After Suicide,” this poem of regret has evolved through the years. My focus now is about dealing…

Read More

LATEST POSTS

Index: My Forever Son

Index: My Forever Son This index provides a well-structured and user-friendly way to navigate through the content in the My Forever Son blog. Think of it as a helpful guide, carefully organizing the content into headings, subheadings, keywords, and brief descriptions. With this index, you can quickly and efficiently find exactly what you’re looking for.…

Read More

Help, Hope, Healing After Suicide Loss: Support, Books, Resources

Help, Hope, Healing After Suicide Loss: Support, Books, Resources ABOUT THIS POST: The content provides a comprehensive list of resources, support groups, and books for those who have lost a loved one to suicide, especially a child to suicide. The author of this post lost her only child, her 20-year-old son, to suicide 11 years…

Read More

Loading…

Something went wrong. Please refresh the page and/or try again.


Leave a Comment

red rose in full bloom close up

Get new posts delivered to your inbox.

18 replies on “A Poem of Guilt in Grief After Suicide Loss: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”

Leave a Reply