“When Someone Takes His Own Life”-Depression and Suicide
ABOUT THIS POST:“When Someone Takes His Own Life”-Depression and Suicide provides a compassionate exploration of grief, suicide, and the challenges faced by those left behind. The excerpts from “The Healing of Sorrow” and “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched” offer valuable insights and perspectives on suicide as an illness rather than a sin.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Beth Brown, My Forever Son: I lost my only child, my 20-year-old son, to suicide on June 25, 2012. Suicide changes everything.
The first year grief was impossible. I read as much as I could about losing a child to suicide and about suicide in general. I joined support groups. And I researched sites online:
The two articles that appear below, “When Someone Takes His Own Life” and “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched,” are articles I read early in my grief. Both articles address guilt in grief after suicide loss. Ronald Rolheiser, in his essay “When Someone Is Too Bruised to Be Touched,” writes with a compassionate point of view regarding guilt in grief.
Tranquility, Glacier National Park, My Forever Son
Excerpt from “The Healing of Sorrow”
By Norman Vincent Peale
In many ways, this seems the most tragic form of death. Certainly it can entail more shock and grief for those who are left behind than any other. And often the stigma of suicide is what rests most heavily on those left behind.
Suicide is often judged to be essentially a selfish act…I think our reaction should be one of love and pity, not of condemnation. Perhaps the person was not thinking clearly in his final moments; perhaps he was so driven by emotional whirlwinds that he was incapable of thinking at all.
This is terribly sad. But surely it is understandable. All of us have moments when we lost control of ourselves, flashes of temper, or irritation, of selfishness that we later regret.
Each one of us, probably, has a final breaking point–or would have if our faith did not sustain us. Life puts more pressure on some of us than it does on others. Some people have more stamina than others.
When I see in the paper, as I do all too often, that dark despair has rolled over some lonely soul, so much so that for him life seemed unendurable, my reaction is not one of condemnation. It is, rather, “There but for the grace of God”
And my heart goes out to those who are left behind, because I know that they suffer terribly. Children in particular are left under a cloud of “differentness” all the more terrifying because it can never be fully explained or lifted.
The immediate family of the victim is left wide open to tidal waves of guilt “What did I fail to do that I should have done? What did I do that was wrong?”
To such grieving persons I can only say, “Lift up your heads and hearts. Surely you did your best. And surely the loved one who is gone did his best, for as long as he could. Remember, now, that his battles and torments are over. Do not judge him, and do not presume to fathom the mind of God where this one of His children is concerned.”
A few days ago, when a young man died by his own had, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Rev. Warren Stevens. What he said that day expresses, far more eloquently than I can, the message that I’m trying to convey.
Here are some of his words:
“Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us.
They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he lost the war.
But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won! For one thing — he has won our admiration — because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could.
We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable.
We shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years he had!
Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know and understands!”
A few days ago, I was asked to visit a family who had, just that day, lost their 19 year-old son to suicide.
There isn’t much one can offer by way of consolation, even faith consolation, at a moment like this, when everyone is in shock and the pain is so raw. Few things can so devastate us as the suicide of a loved one, especially of one’s own child.
There is the horrific shock of losing a loved one so suddenly which, just of itself, can bring us to our knees; but, with suicide, there are other soul-wrenching feelings too, confusion, guilt, second-guessing, religious anxiety. Where did we fail this person? What might we still have done? What should we have noticed? What is this person’s state with God?
What needs to be said about all of this: First of all, that suicide is a disease and the most misunderstood of all sicknesses. It takes a person out of life against his or her will, the emotional equivalent of cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack.
Second, we, those left behind, need not spend undue energy second-guessing as to how we might have failed that person, what we should have noticed, and what we might still have done to prevent the suicide. Suicide is an illness and, as with any sickness, we can love someone and still not be able to save that person from death. God loved this person too and, like us, could not, this side of eternity, do anything either.
Finally, we shouldn’t worry too much about how God meets this person on the other side. God’s love, unlike ours, can go through locked doors and touch what will not allow itself to be touched by us.
Is this making light of suicide? Hardly. Anyone who has ever dealt with either the victim of a suicide before his or her death or with those grieving that death afterwards knows that it is impossible to make light of it.
There is no hell and there is no pain like the one suicide inflicts. Nobody who is healthy wants to die and nobody who is healthy wants to burden his or her loved ones with this kind of pain. And that’s the point: This is only done when someone isn’t healthy. The fact that medication can often prevent suicide should tell us something.
Suicide is an illness not a sin. Nobody just calmly decides to commit suicide and burden his or her loved ones with that death any more than anyone calmly decides to die of cancer and cause pain.
There is no hell and there is no pain like the one suicide inflicts. Nobody who is healthy wants to die and nobody who is healthy wants to burden his or her loved ones with this kind of pain.
Others can come alongside us for awhile, but our journey into the deep, dark night must be our own. Here, we rally against the darkness, awaken our soul’s deep slumber of the “normalcy” of everyday life, and do fierce battle with an enemy unseen. Grief torments, ruminates, is recursive and in the end, in losing a child to suicide, is unfinished. My son is a warrior son, and I, by default and through journeying my soul’s dark night in grieving losing Dylan to suicide, am a warrior mama.
One day, there will be reconciling and resolution, but it is I who must learn to walk unfinished here, finding, once again, love, meaning, and purpose in the walking out of my life’s journey. I walk with grief. I carry the weight of bearing deep sorrow in my soul. I am a survivor of suicide. No matter how “good” things get, no matter the profundity of my joy and happiness here, as is, as now, I will always be tinged and laced with the bittersweet.
My Forever Son, My Beloved Dylan : Just Breathe: My Forever Son: Grief and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide A mother’s reflections on losing her only child–her 20-year-old son–to suicide, this blog (My Forever Son: Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide) includes messages of hope and healing amidst acute, complicated,… Read more: My Forever Son, My Beloved Dylan: Just Breathe
Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message Summary Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message explores the profound grief and regret of losing a child to suicide through the poem, “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon,” by author Beth Brown. Through vivid imagery and heartfelt repetition, the poem captures the enduring love… Read more: Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message
Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love” Poem Analysis Summary Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love” Poem Analysis by Beth Brown explores the profound connection between love and grief following the loss of her son to suicide. The poem emphasizes the author’s refusal to change her narrative of grief, asserting… Read more: Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love” Poem Analysis
Grieving a Child’s Suicide: “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You” Poem Summary Grieving a Child’s Suicide: “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You” Poem highlights the powerful poem “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You” which explores the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. It delves… Read more: Grieving a Child’s Suicide: “If Only a Mother’s Love” Poem
“Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: A Poem on Losing a Child to Suicide Summary The poem “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: A Poem on Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt piece on losing a child to suicide that explores the profound grief and longing experienced after such a tragic loss. The… Read more: “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: Poem on Child Loss
Carrying the Heaviness of Silent Grief During the Winter Months Summary Carrying the Heaviness of Silent Grief During the Winter Months acknowledges the unique pain of grief and the added burden of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), especially during the winter months when the world can feel cold, silent, and heavy. It offers gentle encouragement, reminding… Read more: Carrying the Heaviness of Silent Grief During the Winter Months
Finding Beauty in Loss: Reflections on Grief and Healing Key Takeaways Summary Finding Beauty in Loss: Reflections on Grief and Healing shares author Beth Brown’s journey of grief and healing after losing her son, Dylan, to suicide. Through poetry and nature photography, she finds solace and a way to express her overwhelming emotions after suicide loss.… Read more: Finding Beauty in Loss: Reflections on Grief and Healing
Always the Empty Chair-“Tea for Two” on a Summer Afternoon, My Forever Son
What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide
ABOUT THIS POST:“What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide” provides valuable insights and recommendations for offering support to grieving parents. The personal experiences shared by the author create a heartfelt connection. The inclusion of quotes from experts and external resources enhances the credibility of the content. The post effectively highlights the importance of breaking the stigma around suicide and encourages open conversations. Additionally, the suggestions for supporting grieving parents are practical and thoughtful.
Resources for Support, Hope, and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide
Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief
These Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief offer invaluable support for parents grappling with the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. Rich in compassion and understanding, they provide personal narratives, expert insights on grief, and essential strategies for healing.
Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources
Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resourcesprovides a compassionate guide to support parents through the pain of losing a child to suicide. It explores the journey of grief, the importance of support networks, and self-care during this difficult time. The guide offers suggestions for honoring a child’s memory, creating a meaningful legacy to provide solace amidst heartache.
Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt exploration of the overwhelming emotions that parents face after the tragic loss of a child to suicide. It delicately unravels the deep feelings of grief, guilt, and despair that can engulf those grappling with such an unimaginable sorrow. Through intimate personal stories and touching quotes, it provides a compassionate perspective that aims to comfort and support parents on their difficult healing journey.
A person writing on a piece of paper, emphasizing the reflection and processing of emotions during the grief journey, Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son, My Forever Son
Self-Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son
Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son is a deeply emotional narrative that explores feelings of self-blame and guilt after the loss of a son. This poignant story guides readers through the tumultuous emotions parents face, sharing the author’s deep sorrow and questioning what could have been done differently. It emphasizes the need for support and understanding during the arduous healing journey.
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief is a powerful poem that reflects the overwhelming “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” guilt parents experience after losing a child to suicide. The poetic language directly addresses the haunting “What If?” and “Why Didn’t I See?” questions that plague those left behind, emphasizing the helplessness and regret that linger after such a tragic loss. The poem serves as a conduit for healing and self-forgiveness, exploring the possibility of moving beyond guilt and embracing acceptance, allowing love to shine through even the darkest of times.
Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling”
Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling” is a poignant poem that captures the intense emotions of grief and guilt after losing a child to suicide. The verses convey heartbreak and the struggle to find solace, using nature as a symbol for the grief journey. Vivid imagery of hawks circling above parallels feelings of despair, evoking a sense of helplessness in processing pain. Every line resonates with the weight of memories and the ache of loss, inviting readers to reflect on their own experiences with grief.
How to Offer Grief Support to Parents When Their Child Has Died by Suicide
There Are No Words
What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide? As a mother who lost her son and only child to suicide, I can vouch for how stymied people get when they try to offer their condolences to parents bereaved by the suicide of the their child. The stigma around “suicide” lends a sense of awkwardness to even saying the name of this form of death out loud. I didn’t know how true this was until my son died by suicide. The stigma of suicide is compounded by multiple complicating factors, including religious and societal expectations (Suicide is Not a Choice: Surviving Your Child’s Suicide.)
Recently after my son died, I attended a Labor Day party that included my colleagues from work. The greatest gift of grief support came from a colleague who simply offered these words: “There are no words.”
Yes-when a parent loses a child, “there are no words.” And yes, when a parent loses a child by suicide, “there are no words.” The solemnity of the tragedy of my son’s sudden death was expressed in those few chosen words: “There are no words.” Grief after losing a child to suicide involves parental guilt, wrestling with self-blame, questioning what you missed, and more: (5 Ways Suicide Grief is Different)
Please Ask My Child’s Name
Asking me to tell you about my child is not the same as asking me to explain their death. Ask my child’s name and what they were like because I (just like most parents) love to talk about my child. If I have tears, it’s because I lost my child and not because you brought the subject up.
It does my heart good to hear my child’s name. If you knew my child, I welcome stories and memories of my child. It’s a lonely world without my child, and it’s easy to feel everyone’s forgotten I have a child who lived and breathed–and mattered. (Listen to Original Music About Losing a Child to Suicide: Songs for Child Loss: A Heartfelt Collection of Original Music.)
Platitudes Don’t Help
“At least you had your son for 19 years.” “He’s in a better place.” “It isn’t right.” “Suicide is selfish.” “God must have needed another angel.” “You’re so strong.” “I know just how you feel.” Or worse yet, “I’d just die if anything happened to my child.”
As well meaning as these things that were said to me were, not a single one helped ease my burden of mourning and grief after the death of my son by suicide. I am not strong because I survived my son’s death. I live on because as long as I live, my son does too.
Healing Words: Download 3 Compassionate Poems for Coping with the Loss of a Child
My son died by suicide. Perhaps the harshest stigma of suicide persists (and still exists) when someone who has died by suicide is said to have “committed” suicide. To “commit suicide” is lexicon that harkens back to a time when historically, dying by suicide was considered a criminal act because so little was understood about suicide. No one “commits” death; dying by suicide is properly referred to as she or he “died by suicide.”
the criminal language associated with the suicidal act endures in the lexicon. Specifically, using the phrase “to ‘commit’ suicide” equates the act with homicide or fratricide, and suggests that it is akin to “self-murder”.
The will to live and the instinct of “fight or flight” means that we rally against death and dying as long as we can in our lifetimes. Suicide is not “selfish” any more than dying by heart disease or cancer is “selfish.” Suicide is a tragic death, a sudden, violent, and unexpected death. Dying by suicide doesn’t make sense, and research is now focused on preventing death by suicide.
How to break the stigma of suicide? As the mother of an only child who died by suicide, I find research that suggests suicide is always preventable deeply disturbing. I do not believe this means of death can always be prevented any more than any other means of death can always be prevented. The important word is “always.”
Suicide research, including groundbreaking research at theCenter for Suicide Prevention and Research, Nationwide Children’s Hospital is absolutely essential for knowing how to prevent what seems an unnecessary means of death. Suicide intervention can help, understanding and talking about suicide can help, and post-vention follow-up can help those who have attempted suicide.
But for a mother or father who has lost a child to suicide, that the death of their child might have been prevented places a heavy burden of shame and blame on their parenting abilities. That something must have been “wrong” at home with the parenting when a child dies by suicide is simply not true.
Breaking the stigma of suicide means breaking the taboo of silence around suicide. Talk to those who have lost a loved one to suicide; offer condolences; provide emotional and physical support just as you would any parent who loses a child to any means of death. Carrying Ache and Love in Suicide Loss describes my hope and healing as I learned to bear the weight of crippling loss coupled with my deep love for my son.
I Couldn’t Keep My Child Safe
There is no equivalent to losing a child. And when a child dies by suicide, the parent(s) already feel isolated. “Why?” “How did I fail my child?” “Why couldn’t I keep my child safe?” are questions that haunt those left behind. In breaking the silence and talking about suicide, we break the stigma of shame surrounding a mysterious death. Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide offers support strategies and tips for handling the heavy burden of self-blame and guilt parents can feel when they lose a child to suicide.
Too often, others simply do not know how to talk to a parent who has lost a child to suicide. They fear upsetting the parent(s) so they say nothing.
Grief counselor Jack Jordan advises: “The first thing is to not treat suicide as if it’s so weird or different or special that you don’t say anything.”
So offer your condolences. Attend the funeral if you can. Send flowers and a handwritten note. All of these acknowledge that something really tragic has happened for the person, and it communicates that you’re really willing to be there for the person rather than, ‘This is too difficult and awkward to talk about.’
The American Foundation for Suicide Preventionprovides a rich resource bank of personal narratives, books for loss survivor and how to support suicide loss survivors. Here are some of their suggestions for how to support a loved one who has lost someone to suicide.
Watching a loved one struggle with the pain and devastation of losing someone to suicide can make you feel utterly helpless. You might want to reach out, but hesitate because you don’t know what to say or do, and perhaps worry you might somehow make them feel worse.
Refrain from saying “I know how you feel” unless you are also a suicide loss survivor. Instead, something like, “I don’t know what to say: I have no idea what you’re going through, but I care about you and I want to be here for you,” will be more honest and meaningful.
Read about suicide loss. You’ll better understand what your loved one is experiencing, and in the process might discover helpful information you can share with them.
Don’t wait for your loved one to ask you for help; they may be too deep in their grief to realize what they need. Rather than saying, “Let me know if I can help,” do something specific for them, like shop for groceries, offer to babysit, bring dinner to their home, etc.
Many people find that professional counseling helps them deal with their grief in a healthy way. Help your loved one search for a therapist, schedule appointments, etc.
Don’t be afraid to speak the name of the person who died. Your loved one will be grateful for the opportunity to reminisce.
Just be there. Sit with them. Watch TV or a movie. Listen to music. Go for a walk together.
Be patient. This experience has changed your loved one’s life forever. The weeks and months following the funeral, when the initial shock wears off and the full reality of what has happened sinks in, may be the toughest for them. Continue to check in, and let them know you are thinking of them, that you’re there for them, and that you want to listen.
This experience has changed your loved one’s life forever. The weeks and months following the funeral, when the initial shock wears off and the full reality of what has happened sinks in, may be the toughest for them. Continue to check in, and let them know you are thinking of them, that you’re there for them, and that you want to listen.
Find Hope Here: Poems of Love, Loss, and Losing a Child to Suicide
A deeply compassionate and heartfelt collection of poems that gently explores the profound sorrow of losing a child to suicide and the delicate journey toward healing.
Through tender and touching language, the poet, Beth Brown, resonates with the heavy emotions that accompany such a loss, offering solace and understanding to those navigating the complex feelings that arise in the aftermath of such a tragic event.
About the Collection:
The poems in Bury My Heart intimately capture the author’s heartfelt journey through the profound grief of losing a child to suicide, inviting readers into the deeply personal and vulnerable moments of heartache and sorrow.
Exploring Despair: Each poem thoughtfully navigates the depths of despair and anguish.
Finding Hope: Illuminates glimmers of hope and resilience that emerge amidst such unimaginable pain.
This collection of poems serves as a deeply personal refuge for the author and a comforting embrace for those who have faced similar heartache.
Through heartfelt verses, Bury My Heart encapsulates the journey of grief and invites readers into a space of solace and understanding, reassuring them they are not alone in their pain.
My Forever Son, My Beloved Dylan : Just Breathe: My Forever Son: Grief and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide A mother’s reflections on losing her only child–her 20-year-old son–to suicide, this blog (My Forever Son: Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide) includes messages of hope and healing amidst acute, complicated,…
Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message Summary Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message explores the profound grief and regret of losing a child to suicide through the poem, “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon,” by author Beth Brown. Through vivid imagery and heartfelt repetition, the poem captures the enduring love…
Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love” Poem Analysis Summary Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love” Poem Analysis by Beth Brown explores the profound connection between love and grief following the loss of her son to suicide. The poem emphasizes the author’s refusal to change her narrative of grief, asserting…
Grieving a Child’s Suicide: “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You” Poem Summary Grieving a Child’s Suicide: “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You” Poem highlights the powerful poem “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You” which explores the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. It delves…
“Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: A Poem on Losing a Child to Suicide Summary The poem “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: A Poem on Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt piece on losing a child to suicide that explores the profound grief and longing experienced after such a tragic loss. The…
Understanding Prolonged Grief Disorder After Suicide Summary Understanding Prolonged Grief Disorder After Suicide provides a detailed description of and discussion of “Prolonged Grief Disorder,” “previously known as complicated grief, describes long-term mourning after loss, especially from suicide. Suicide grief is complicated by guilt, shame, and societal stigma, making it difficult to move through. While labeling…
A Glimpse of Hope in Grief: Finding Hope After Losing a Child to Suicide Summary “A Glimpse of Hope in Grief: Finding Hope After Losing a Child to Suicide” explores the profound grief, hope, and healing that follow the tragedy of losing a child to suicide. The book delves into the author’s journey of grief,…
Surviving Suicide Grief: “Does the Pain Ever End?” Asks a Parent Who Lost a Child to Suicide Summary The author reflects on the complex nature of grief after losing a child to suicide in “Surviving Suicide Grief: “Does the Pain Ever End?”, expressing that while pain changes, it never fully disappears. Support groups and counseling…
Surviving the Suicide of Your Child: Support, Resources, Hope Summary The article “Surviving the Suicide of Your Child: Support, Resources, Hope” by Beth Brown offers support and resources for parents grieving the loss of a child to suicide. Brown shares her personal journey and provides recommendations for support groups, books, and online resources. The article…
As the third year after losing a child unfolds, grief transforms into a complex tapestry of emotions. The initial pain may dull, but the absence remains palpable. Many parents grapple with a new layer of sorrow that is hard to articulate. You may notice unexpected joy mixed with intense longing, as life moves on while an irreplaceable void lingers.
In this stage, it’s common to reflect on milestones that should have been shared—birthdays, graduations, or simply daily routines that feel incomplete. You might begin to discover what “moving forward” means for you, while still being anchored in the memory of your child.
What does your experience look like in year three?
How have you learned to cope with the ongoing feelings of loss and love during this time?
What reflections or memories bring both comfort and sorrow as you navigate this part of your grief journey?
Musician. Writer. Literary Connoisseur. Always writing, scribbling poetry, turning feelings into words. "Break my heart even further" can't ever be done, for I lost my heart the night I lost my son. Come find me writing at My Forever Son: Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide.
At the whim of Most Beloved Cat, I write as she tattles on the garden cats. Find Most Beloved Cat sharing her stories at Gardens at Effingham: Where Cats Tell the Tales
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