What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide

What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide

Summary

“What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide” offers heartfelt insights and guidance for supporting grieving parents during the devastating loss of a child to suicide. Author Beth Brown shares her personal journey and provides essential resources to help others navigate the intricate emotions linked to a suicide loss. The blog, “My Forever Son: Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide,” delves into themes of grief, hope, and healing, creating a compassionate space for sharing stories and finding comfort. Explore meaningful ways to stand by parents facing the unimaginable tragedy of losing a child to suicide, and uncover invaluable advice in this poignant blog post from a mother who has endured such a profound loss.

Introduction

What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide offers compassionate insights and heartfelt guidance for comforting grieving parents. The author’s personal experiences resonate profoundly, fostering an authentic connection. Thoughtful quotes from experts and valuable external resources enhance the content’s credibility beautifully. This post powerfully emphasizes the importance of dismantling the stigma surrounding suicide and promotes open dialogue within our communities. Additionally, the suggestions for supporting grieving parents in “What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide” are not only practical but also deeply empathetic, acknowledging the immense pain they face.

Related Reads

• Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice
• Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief
• Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched”
• Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources
• When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand”

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My Forever Son

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Table of Contents

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What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide

Suicide can leave the survivors with anger, confusion and guilt, and even well-intentioned words can cause pain.

By Gayle Brandeis, “What to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Grieving a Suicide” The New York Times, May 8, 2019

Offering Grief Support to Parents When Their Child Has Died by Suicide

“There Are No Words”

What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide? As a mother who lost her son and only child to suicide, I can vouch for how stymied people get when they try to offer their condolences to parents bereaved by the suicide of the their child. The stigma around “suicide” lends a sense of awkwardness to even saying the name of this form of death out loud. I didn’t know how true this was until my son died by suicide.

The stigma surrounding “suicide” makes it uncomfortable to even say the word, which means we often don’t say the child’s name either. I realized how true this was when my son died by suicide. Please say my child’s name. “I’m sorry for your loss” works, but “I’m so sorry for the loss of (child’s name)” can connect to a parent’s heart.

The stigma of suicide is compounded by multiple complicating factors, including religious and societal expectations, and perhaps most misinformed, that suicide is a choice. It is not. Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice offers an informed discussion about how suicide can seem like a choice, but is not.

Losing a child suicide is traumatic and tragic. A sudden shock that will send reverberations everywhere in and potentially change so much about the parents’ lives. Grief after losing a child to suicide is not on a timeline, and expectations of “6 months” or “1 year” or even “2 years” of grief are unrealistic.

Losing a child to any means is a grief that will always be with parents, though with support, time for healing, and through sharing their story, parents can learn to, as David Kessler writes in Grief.com, to “Build a Life of Love Around the Loss.”

Grieving parents will have to move through the unique aspects of grief a death by suicide brings. All the “typical” stages of grief, including shock, denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and feeling numb can surface in their grief, plus the addition of the unique aspects of suicide grief: self-blame, regret, questioning “if only” and “why” and “what did I miss” and “wasn’t my love enough?

After the devastating loss of a child to suicide, though, grief tends to be emotionally chaotic, with feelings that ride the extreme ends of a rollercoaster. Parents can feel suicidal themselves, and helping them find support for their overwhelming grief can be crucial. Simple daily tasks can be impossible after losing a child to suicide. Continuing to speak into the parent’s life as they move through grief can be instrumental in supporting their healing journey. Sometimes, just meeting them for coffee, or a walk, or stopping by to offer to help with whatever needs done supports parents in their healing. They will need to tell their story over and over again in an attempt to make sense of what will never make sense. There isn’t anything you can say that can “help,” per se, but listening to their heart to hear their story will mean more than

A distant friend became an incredible source of support for me after losing Dylan at age 20 to suicide. Each year for three years in a row, I received a beautiful card of remembrance at the holidays, for his birthday, and even times in-between when I didn’t know how much I needed to hear my son’s name and for someone to remember my son.

Finding Immediate Support for Suicide Loss Survivors provides a comprehensive list of support resources, books for grieving a suicide loss, and poetry about losing a child to suicide. It aims to guide individuals through the complex emotions that often accompany such a tragic loss, offering a safe space where they can find both solace and understanding. The curated selection includes not only literature that addresses the multifaceted nature of grief but also practical suggestions for coping mechanisms, support groups, and online forums where survivors can share their experiences.

Unique features of traumatic grief after the death of a child to suicide. Parents will oftentimes blame themselves, as parents frequently feel responsible for their child, no matter what the child’s age, and they will have to move through the heavy feelings of guilt in grief that suicide loss brings.

Compassion in the Simplicity of a Friend’s Words: “There are no words”

Recently after my son died, I attended a Labor Day party that included my colleagues from work. The greatest gift of grief support came from a colleague who simply offered these words: “There are no words.”

Yes, when a parent loses a child by suicide, “there are no words.” The solemnity of the tragedy of my son’s sudden death was expressed in those few chosen words: “There are no words.”

It’s petrifying to step into someone else’s tragedy

People just didn’t know what to do with the cause of death–suicide. As a friend or family member, you may be shocked at how nervous and even scared you feel. Will you say or do the wrong thing? What do they want? Should you call and ask? Maybe you should just text? Should you go by? It all seems too big and if you waltz into this devastation it might swallow you. After all, it’s a parent’s worst nightmare–your worst nightmare. You think, “Surely nothing I do or say would ever be enough.”  Just know that you are enough. AnneMoss Rogers, How can I help a friend who lost her child to suicide?”

Just know that you are enough

Take a deep breath. Expect fear, acknowledge it when it comes, and just move forward. 

The trouble is that collectively friends do resort to texting instead of calling. Or just doing nothing other than a card because it’s so traumatizing a loss that friends and relatives feel frozen. You don’t know what to do so you take the path to least resistance and hope it’s enough. 

Still, others want desperately to know some secret saying or formula to help their friend. 

The truth is that all those parents need is to be with you. 

There is no fixing this. But do no underestimate listening and allowing that person to feel heard without fixing, and offering solutions. “The pain you feel from the grief is evidence of the love you had and gave. Keep talking, I am listening.” 

It’s hard to be there in that space with a person whose heart is so crushed. However, your presence, your calls are appreciated and that does take courage. Sitting with someone in their pain, without fixing, is hard. So hard.

Sometimes just being there binge-watching stupid movies is enough. Telling stories you remember and using that child’s name are all important. Calling and checking in with, “Do you want to meet for tea or coffee? (lunch, dinner, a walk, etc.) Or if you are out of town, just call and say that you don’t know what to say but you want to know how they are coping. 

Even years or decades later, parents need to know you remember their child. Please don’t ever forget that. 

AnneMoss Rogers, “How can I help a friend who lost her child to suicide?”

Please Ask My Child’s Name

Asking me to tell you about my child is not the same as asking me to explain their death. Ask my child’s name and what they were like because I (just like most parents) love to talk about my child. If I have tears, it’s because I lost my child and not because you brought the subject up.

It does my heart good to hear my child’s name. If you knew my child, I welcome stories and memories of my child. It’s a lonely world without my child, and it’s easy to feel everyone’s forgotten I have a child who lived and breathed–and mattered.

Sometimes just being there binge-watching stupid movies is enough. Telling stories you remember and using that child’s name are all important. Calling and checking in with, “Do you want to meet for tea or coffee? (lunch, dinner, a walk, etc.) Or if you are out of town, just call and say that you don’t know what to say but you want to know how they are coping. 

AnneMoss Rogers, “How can I help a friend who lost her child to suicide?”

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The Support Parents Really Need

“Life goes on.” “Time heals.” “Tomorrow is another day.” For a parent who has lost a child to suicide, time-worn adages minimize the enormity of their grief. “Suicide is not a blot on anyone’s name: It is a tragedy,” writes Kay Jamison Redfield in her book, Understanding Suicide: Night Falls Fast.

Please Don’t Say: “I Know Just How You Feel”

“He’s in a better place.” “It isn’t right.” “Suicide is selfish.” “God must have needed another angel.” “You’re so strong.” “I know just how you feel.” Or worse yet, “I’d just die if anything happened to my child.”

As well meaning as these things that were said to me were, not a single one helped ease my burden of mourning and grief after the death of my son by suicide. I am not strong because I survived my son’s death. I live on because as long as I live, my son does too.

The 10 Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief

These “10 Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief” are by Gloria Estefan from Red Table Talk, Grief.com by David Kessler.

1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. You and (say the child’s name) will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of (child’s name) is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. I am here for you.
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person.

The 10 Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

Gloria Estefan in Red Table Talk on Grief.com also advises against saying these “10 Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief”

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong

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Meaningful Support: What Parents Truly Need to Hear

Feelings of Guilt and Self-Blame Can Haunt a Parent for a Long Time

I’m here for you. It is not your fault. You are not alone.

Parents of children who die by suicide often battle an added type of guilt.

Even if they do not blame themselves for not directly intervening in the suicidal act, they often feel guilt over some perceived mistake in raising their children.

“Where did I go wrong?,” “I pushed them too hard” and “If we hadn’t gotten divorced…” are just a few on the list of self-recriminations.

But parents need to remind themselves that, while they have great influence over their children’s lives, they do not personally create every aspect of their children’s being. Children are shaped by an assortment of outside influences beyond the control of parents.

Alan Wolfert, Ph.D., The Wilderness of Suicide Grief: Finding Your Way

“It Was Not Your Fault” Is Something Parents Need to Hear Over and Over Again

Parents who lose a child to suicide will wrestle repeatedly with the unique grief that a death by suicide brings, including evaluating their role in their child’s death. Feelings of guilt and self-blame can haunt a parent for a long time.

Offer to Be There for the Grieving Parents: Just Listening to Their Story Helps

“Listen with your heart, maybe hold their hand, look into their eyes, let them know you feel their pain.”

“Listen with your heart, maybe hold their hand, look into their eyes, let them know you feel their pain.” Saying that you feel someone’s pain may seem similar to “I understand what you’re going through,” but those words more fully honor the complexity of the survivor’s experience — they mean “I understand you need support” and they mean “We’re going to walk through it together.”

By Gayle Brandeis, What to Say (And Not to Say) to Someone Grieving a Suicide, May 8, 2019

I understand you need support” and they mean “We’re going to walk through it together.”

“It was not your fault” is something many suicide loss survivors need to hear over and over and over again, as is “You are not alone.”

And a suicide loss survivor is not alone, even though it may feel that way when one is grieving; suicide is now the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, and the World Health Organization estimates that one million people take their lives worldwide each year. Often, the greatest gift you can provide to a survivor is your own presence.

But don’t feel afraid to say the name of the person who died, to share your memories of that person, to create space for the survivor to share their own memories, to honor their loved one’s life. Let the grieving person say what they need to say, feel what they need to feel.

By Gayle Brandeis, What to Say (And Not to Say) to Someone Grieving a Suicide, May 8, 2019

“A Letter to the Newly Bereaved”

This article was adapted from Susan Auerbach’s memoir, I’ll Write Your Name on Every Beach: A Mother’s Quest for Comfort, Courage, and Clarity After Suicide Loss (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2017). 

More support like this can be found at the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors.

Letter to the Newly Bereaved

Dear Friend:

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I don’t know anything about you, your loved one, or your situation. I don’t know how you’ve grieved in the past or how you’ll grieve now. But I know that if you’re recently bereaved by suicide, you’re likely in shock, traumatized, and hurt beyond measure. I hope you find something here that resonates with you and reminds you that you’re not alone in this terrible place.

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Suicide is a shocking loss. 

Whatever your loved one’s history and state of mind, however much you knew or did not know about it, you’re in a state of shock and disbelief. You may feel numb or fall apart. You may feel physically assaulted, as if crushed by a huge stone or suddenly missing a limb. You may not be able to focus or reason, to eat or sleep or breathe properly. You think the world will never be the same, and you’re right—but in ways you can’t yet imagine. In the wake of this tragedy, you may find more love, generosity, and even gratitude than you thought possible.

Be gentle with yourself and the mourners close to you. 

Give yourself permission to hibernate for a while if you wish. With your own urgent need for comfort, it can be tough to comfort family members; try to leave some of that to others, if at all possible, to make time for your own grief. If you have a spouse or partner, each of you may need to grope your own way through grief. Give each other space and be there for each other when you’re able, with faith that you’ll be more present for one another in time.

Let people know what happened so they can take care of you. 

Ask for help and accept the support that’s offered on your terms; it’s OK to say “no thanks” or “not now.” You’re released from all social obligations and hopefully, from work or other obligations during the first weeks after the suicide. Your employer may be more understanding than you think.

The body takes a hit. 

Don’t be surprised if your health goes haywire. This is where shock takes root. Go slow. Walk around the block. Allow yourself naps or quiet resting time. Remember to breathe. Meditate even for a few minutes with a guided meditation for rest or healing. Find a doctor who understands that you’re suffering from shock and grief and can help explain this to your boss if you need time off.

Don’t fear tears. 

Let them flow through you, washing you clean like a rain till the next storm. It helps to know there’s someone you can call, a piece of music you can play, or a faith community you can visit to steady yourself. Find an expressive release; write, draw, dance, run, pray out your grief. Shout and pound out your anger, too; it’s natural to feel abandoned and betrayed. Let it out.

Questions rush in. 

You’re searching for clues, even if you know you’ll never know anything certain. We need to search as long as we feel the need. Our task as mourners is to build a “coherent narrative” of the suicide that is “compassionate and bearable,” according to psychologist John Jordan in Grief After Suicide: Understanding the Consequences and Caring for the Survivors (2011). This takes time.

Self-blame may haunt you. 

Especially if you lost a child, you may feel that you failed in your most fundamental duty as a parent. None of us are mind readers; all of us are flawed; mental illness, when present, can be formidable. Breathe in compassion for yourself and for your lost one. We can’t forgive ourselves until we forgive them, and vice versa. That can be the longest, hardest road. If you have a spiritual practice, try to reclaim it bit by bit, even if you’re angry at God or the universe.

What now?

Therapy can help, preferably with a professional trained in grief and suicide loss. Consider mind-body treatments like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to deal with your intense feelings and guide you through post-traumatic shock into “post-traumatic growth.” Do yoga or tai chi to keep the energy moving.

Where’s hope?

Probably still a way off. Take heart from grief expert Alan Wolfelt, who writes in Understanding Your Suicide Grief (2009) that you can be the source of your own hope: “You create hope in yourself by actively mourning the death and setting your intention to heal.”

Truly, you are not alone. There’s a community of suicide loss survivors that will reach out to you and share their journey toward healing. Take what hope and healing you can from books and online resources on suicide loss. When you are ready, check out local support groups for survivors and the Alliance of Hope Community Forum. Whenever we survivors share our stories, it is indeed an alliance of hope that we create together.

Right now, you’re as hurt and broken as a person can be. Know that you won’t always feel this way. Keep moving through your grief. Reach out for love and support; there’s a lot of it out there. Wishing you comfort and courage.

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This article was adapted from Susan Auerbach’s memoir, I’ll Write Your Name on Every Beach: A Mother’s Quest for Comfort, Courage, and Clarity After Suicide Loss (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2017). 

Navigating Guilt in Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide

Jeffrey Jackson, author of “A Handbook for Coping with Suicide Grief,” writes that parents of children who die by suicide “often battle an added type of guilt. Even if they do not blame themselves for not directly intervening in the suicidal act, they often feel guilt over some perceived mistake in raising their children.”

Self-Recriminations of Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide: Where Did I Go Wrong?

“Where did I go wrong?,” “I pushed them too hard” and “If we hadn’t gotten divorced…” are just a few on the list of self-recriminations. But parents need to remind themselves that, while they have great influence over their children’s lives, they do not personally create every aspect of their children’s being.

Children are shaped by an assortment of outside influences beyond the control of parents. And an emotional illness they were likely suffering can be attributed to “nature,” not “nurture” — imbalances of brain chemistry that have undetermined biological causes.

Jeffrey Jackson, A Handbook for Coping with Suicide Grief, available for download at the American Association of Suicidology

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Recommended Read

Break the Silence, Shame, and Stigma of Suicide

Few things can so devastate us as the suicide of a loved one, especially of one’s own child.

Ronald Rolheiser, Suicide–When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched

The Importance of Language: Choosing “Died By Suicide”

My son died by suicide. Perhaps the harshest stigma of suicide persists (and still exists) when someone who has died by suicide is said to have “committed” suicide. To “commit suicide” is lexicon that hearkens back to a time when historically, dying by suicide was considered a criminal act because so little was understood about suicide. No one “commits” death, and dying by suicide is properly referred to as she or he “died by suicide.”

the criminal language associated with the suicidal act endures in the lexicon. Specifically, using the phrase “to ‘commit’ suicide” equates the act with homicide or fratricide, and suggests that it is akin to “self-murder”.

Jack Jordan, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and grief counselor, Coping with Suicide Loss–And How to Help a Grieving Friend

Suicide is a Tragedy

The will to live and the instinct of “fight or flight” means that we rally against death and dying as long as we can in our lifetimes. Suicide is not “selfish” any more than dying by heart disease or cancer is “selfish.” Suicide is a tragic death, a sudden, violent, and unexpected death. Dying by suicide doesn’t make sense, and research is now focused on preventing death by suicide.

In “Shaped by Love and This Grief Come to Stay”: A Poem on Suicide Loss, I share how my narrative, unchanged as it is and forever stricken by tragedy, has helped shape my healing throughout my grief. Owning my son’s narrative, tragic as it was, has been an important juncture in my healing journey.

Can Suicide Be Prevented?

But for a mother or father who has lost a child to suicide, that the death of their child might have been prevented places a heavy burden of shame and blame on their parenting abilities. That something must have been “wrong” at home with the parenting when a child dies by suicide is simply not true.

Breaking the stigma of suicide means breaking the taboo of silence around suicide. Talk to those who have lost a loved one to suicide; offer condolences; provide emotional and physical support just as you would any parent who loses a child to any means of death.

In Carrying Ache and Love: Healing Longterm Grief After Suicide Loss, the author recounts her profound grief and struggle to find meaning after losing her son to suicide. She describes the intense physical and emotional pain she endured, feeling hopeless and alone. Seeking support from online groups and researching suicide, she gradually found solace and a way to move forward, carrying both ache and love for her son.

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A Note About Guilt: I Couldn’t Keep My Child Safe

There is no equivalent to losing a child. And when a child dies by suicide, the parent(s) already feel isolated. “Why?” “How did I fail my child?” “Why couldn’t I keep my child safe?” are questions that haunt those left behind.

In breaking the silence and talking about suicide, we break the stigma of shame surrounding a mysterious death. Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide offers support strategies and tips for handling the heavy burden of self-blame and guilt parents can feel when they lose a child to suicide.

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

Suicide is an out of the natural order of life death, a perpetual questioning of why they took their life, a constant review of what if? if only. . .and should have, could have, would have.

Beth Brown, Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide, My Forever Son

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide is a poignant and compassionate exploration of the overwhelming emotions and hurdles parents face following the tragic loss of a child to suicide. This heartfelt post delves deep into the raw and complex journey, offering understanding, support, and guidance tailored specifically for grieving families. It features meaningful quotes from mental health professionals and fellow bereaved parents, relating to other relevant posts that discuss different aspects of loss and resilience.

Crucial resources for seeking professional help, including hotlines, support groups, and therapy options, are provided to foster emotional recovery. This article addresses unspoken feelings of guilt and isolation, validating parents’ pain while inspiring hope through shared stories and coping strategies. The post encourages dialogue around mental health and underscores the importance of community support in healing.

“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief Poem

That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief Poem is a poignant poem exploring the guilt parents face after losing a child to suicide. It captures the emotional anguish of “What If?” and “Why Didn’t I See?” reflecting the deep sorrow of their grieving journey. Each line invites readers to experience the despair of such a loss while suggesting that love can illuminate dark moments. The poem provides insight into the author’s experience with loss, using vivid imagery to express the tidal wave of emotions that follow. The blend of poetry, personal anecdotes, and support resources amplifies the author’s voice and connects with the audience, encouraging exploration of their own feelings about loss.

Self-Blame and Guilt–I Couldn’t Save My Son

Self-Blame and Guilt—I Couldn’t Save My Son explores the heavy burden of self-blame and guilt many parents endure after losing a child to suicide. It addresses the struggle between cherishing memories and confronting harsh realities that feel insurmountable. Parents often grapple with guilt, wondering if they could have intervened or recognized their child’s distress. This journey through sorrow is intertwined with societal stigma and expectations about grieving. Finding healthy outlets for these feelings, like therapy or creative expression, can be healing.

Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling”

Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling” offers a personal exploration of grief and guilt after losing a child to suicide, a tragedy that affects many parents and caregivers. This collection includes the featured poem along with others that examine loss and healing, providing various perspectives on mourning. It also offers resources for support, guiding readers through their darkest moments while fostering community and understanding. The poem, “Still from Sky I’m Falling,” encapsulates the emotions of this journey, inviting readers to reflect on their own experiences of grief.

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Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources is a compassionate guide for parents devastated by the loss of a child to suicide. It addresses the complex emotions of grief and emphasizes the importance of self-care, professional help, and support groups. The resource also shares coping strategies like creative pursuits, finding peace in nature, and honoring your child’s memory.

What I have learned these past 12 years of grief and healing is that my love was not enough to save my son, to protect my son, to prevent his suicide. Love, no matter how strong the connection, cannot prevent death.

Beth Brown, Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources, My Forever Son

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What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide

Things to Say that Might Help Bereaved Parents

Offer your condolences. Say “I’m sorry for your loss.” Send a card and flowers.

Because of the taboo and stigma attached historically to [suicide], too many people think that they should not bring it [the grief of parents who lose a child to suicide] up at all.

Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., Grief counselor and educator, Center for Loss and Life Transition, The stigma associated with bereavement by suicide and other sudden deaths, National Library of Medicine

Offer Your Condolences; Send Flowers & A Handwritten Note

Too often, others simply do not know how to talk to a parent who has lost a child to suicide. They fear upsetting the parent(s) so they say nothing.

Grief counselor Jack Jordan advises: “The first thing is to not treat suicide as if it’s so weird or different or special that you don’t say anything.”

Acknowledge that Something Really Tragic has Happened

So offer your condolences. Attend the funeral if you can. Send flowers and a handwritten note. All of these acknowledge that something really tragic has happened for the person, and it communicates that you’re really willing to be there for the person rather than, ‘This is too difficult and awkward to talk about.’

Jack Jordan, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and grief counselor, 7 Things to Say When a Friend’s Loved One Dies by Suicide (and 3 to Avoid)

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“10 ways to support a loved one who has lost someone to suicide”

By the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention provides a rich resource bank of personal narratives and books for loss survivors, including how to support suicide loss survivors. Here are some of their suggestions for how to support a loved one who has lost someone to suicide.

Watching a loved one struggle with the pain and devastation of losing someone to suicide can make you feel utterly helpless. You might want to reach out, but hesitate because you don’t know what to say or do, and perhaps worry you might somehow make them feel worse.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 10 Ways to Support a Loved One Who Has Lost Someone to Suicide

1. Refrain from saying “I know how you feel” unless you are also a suicide loss survivor. Instead, something like, “I don’t know what to say: I have no idea what you’re going through, but I care about you and I want to be here for you,” will be more honest and meaningful.
2. Read about suicide loss. You’ll better understand what your loved one is experiencing, and in the process might discover helpful information you can share with them.
3. Don’t wait for your loved one to ask you for help; they may be too deep in their grief to realize what they need. Rather than saying, “Let me know if I can help,” do something specific for them, like shop for groceries, offer to babysit, bring dinner to their home, etc.
4. Help connect your loved one with other suicide loss survivors through International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, AFSP’s Healing Conversations program, and bereavement support groups.(When appropriate, consider offering to accompany them to an event so that they don’t feel so alone.)
5. Many people find that professional counseling helps them deal with their grief in a healthy way. Help your loved one search for a therapist, schedule appointments, etc.
6. Don’t be afraid to speak the name of the person who died. Your loved one will be grateful for the opportunity to reminisce.
7. Knowing what to expect and learning from someone else’s experience can help both you and your loved one get through the more difficult times.
8. Just be there. Sit with them. Watch TV or a movie. Listen to music. Go for a walk together.
9. Be patient. This experience has changed your loved one’s life forever. The weeks and months following the funeral, when the initial shock wears off and the full reality of what has happened sinks in, may be the toughest for them. Continue to check in, and let them know you are thinking of them, that you’re there for them, and that you want to listen.
10. This experience has changed your loved one’s life forever. The weeks and months following the funeral, when the initial shock wears off and the full reality of what has happened sinks in, may be the toughest for them. Continue to check in, and let them know you are thinking of them, that you’re there for them, and that you want to listen.

Frequently Asked Questions

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Meet the Author, Beth Brown

Getting to Know the Heart Behind the Words

A Heart Unbroken: The Journey of Healing

I’ve created a poignant collection of poems, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide, that explores the profound journey of healing after the heartbreaking loss of a child to suicide. This collection is now available on Amazon Kindle, offering heartfelt comfort and solace for those navigating their grief.

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The Story of My Forever Son

Parents of Suicides: An Online Support Group for Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide

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Parents of Suicides is a dedicated international online closed email group where parents who have lost a child to suicide come together to offer support, hope, and healing. Join a Community of Understanding. Parents of Suicides (PoS) provides a safe space for sharing experiences, coping mechanisms, and emotional support. You are not alone in this journey. Together, we can find strength and solace.

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Support and Resources for Grieving Parents of Suicide Loss

Support Groups

• Alliance for Hope for suicide loss survivors – https://forum.allianceofhope.org/forums/-/list
• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention – https://afsp.org/find-a-support-group
• American Society of Suicidology – https://suicidology.org/resources/suicide-loss-survivors/
• British Columbia Bereavement Helpline, Suicide Grief Support – https://bcbh.ca/grief-support/suicide-grief-support/
• Coalition of Clinician-Survivors – https://www.cliniciansurvivor.org/# 
• Community Support After Suicide (Peachtree Comprehensive Health) – https://www.pchprofessionals.com/community-support-after-suicide  
• Compassionate Friends Loss to Suicide group – https://www.facebook.com/groups/tcflosstosuicide
• Emotions Matter Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Loss Group – https://emotionsmatterbpd.org/bpd-loss-group (note that not all losses are suicide, though many are. All losses have a connection to BPD.)
• Friends and Families of Suicide (FFOS) – https://www.pos-ffos.com/groups/ffos.htm
• Friends for Survival – https://friendsforsurvival.org/
• Heartbeat: Grief Support Following Suicide – https://www.heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org/services
• Helping Parents Heal: Special Interest Group -Moving Forward After Suicide – https://www.helpingparentsheal.org/affiliate-groups/special-interest-groups/ (note that Helping Parents Heal “goes a step beyond other groups by allowing the open discussion of spiritual experiences and afterlife evidence—in a non-dogmatic way.  HPH affiliate groups welcome everyone regardless of religious or non-religious background and encourage open dialog.”)
• Long Island Survivors of Suicide – https://lisos.org/ 
• The Lounge – https://www.workingonmygrief.com/about-4 
• Parents of Suicide (POS) – https://www.pos-ffos.com/groups/pos.htm
• Sail to Heal – https://www.sail2heal.org/ 
• Smile through the Storms – https://www.smilethroughthestorms.com/ 
• Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE) – https://save.org/save-support-groups/
• Working on My Grief  – https://www.workingonmygrief.com/ 

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Books for Understanding Suicide And Mental Health

An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
Kay Redfield Jamison, Ph.D., Alfred A. Knopf, 1995. In this memoir, an international authority on Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder describes her own struggle since adolescence with the disorder, and how it has shaped her life.

Darkness Visible
William Styron, Random House, 1990. A powerful and moving first-hand account of what depression feels like to the sufferer.

Devastating Losses: How Parents Cope with the Death of a Child to Suicide or Drugs
William Feigelman, Ph.D., John Jordan, Ph.D., John McIntosh, Ph.D., Beverly Feigelman, LCSW, Springer Publishing, 2012. This book provides useful avenues for future research on suicide loss and offers new insights into the grief process that follows the death of a child, both in the short term and years after a loss.  Please note that, given its academic tone, the book is better suited to clinicians and educators than to recently bereaved lay readers.

Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide
Kay Redfield Jamison, Ph.D., Alfred A. Knopf, 1999. Kay Redfield Jamison’s in-depth psychological and scientific exploration of suicide traces the network of reasons underlying suicide, including the factors that interact to cause suicide, and outlines the evolving treatments available through modern medicine.

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression
Andrew Solomon, Scribner, 2001.Winner of the National Book Award, this book shares the author’s story of chronic depression, and places depression in a broader social context.

Why People Die by Suicide
Thomas Joiner, Ph.D., Harvard University Press, 2005.
Drawing on extensive clinical and epidemiological evidence, as well as personal experience, the author, who lost his father to suicide, identifies three factors that mark those most at risk of considering, attempting, or dying by suicide.

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Recommended Reading

Book Recommendation: ‘A Handbook for Coping with Suicide Grief’ by Jeffrey Jackson, providing support for survivors of suicide loss, My Forever Son

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Books

• Beal, Karyl Chastain (2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018). Faces of Suicide, Volumes One to Five.
• Brown, Beth (2023) Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide
• Cacciatore, Joanne (2017). Bearing the Unbearable. Wisdom Publications.
• Clark, Ann (2020). Gone to Suicide. A mom’s truth on heartbreak, transformation and prevention. Iuniverse.
• Collins, Eileen Vorbach (2023). Love in the Archives. a patchwork of true stories about suicide loss. Apprentice House Press.
• Cross, Tracey (2013). Suicide among gifted children and adolescents. Understanding the suicidal mind. Prufrock Press.
• Dougy Center, The (2001). After a Suicide: An Activity Book for Grieving Kids. Dougy Center.
• Estes, Clarissa Pinkola (1988). The Faithful Gardener. HarperCollinsSanFrancisco.
• Fine, Carla (1997). No Time to Say Goodbye. Surviving the suicide of a loved one. Broadway Books.
• Heilmann, Lena M.Q. (2019). Still with Us. Voices of Sibling Suicide Loss Survivors. BDI Publishers.
• Hickman, Martha Whitmore (1994). Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief. William Morrow Paperbacks
• Jamison, Kay Redfield (2000). Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. Vintage.
• Johnson, Julie Tallard (1994). Hidden Victims, Hidden Healers. An eight-stage healing process for families and friends of the mentally ill. Pema Publications.
• Joiner, Thomas (2005). Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press
• Joiner, Thomas (2010). Myths About Suicide. Harvard University Press.
• Kushner, Harold S. (2004). When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Anchor Books
• O’Connor, Mary-Francis (2022). The Grieving Brain. HarperOne.
• Rasmussen, Christina (2019). Second Firsts. Hay House Inc.
• Shapiro, Larry (2020). Brain Pain. Giving insight to children who have lost a family member or a loved one to suicide. Safe Haven Books.
• Wickersham, Julie (2009). The Suicide Index: Putting My Father’s Death in Order. Mariner Books.

Therapies

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral
• Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) – https://dbt-lbc.org/index.php
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) – https://www.emdria.org/
• Prolonged Exposure (PE) – https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/prolonged-exposure 

Memorial Sites

• Faces of Suicide – memorial site for those who died by suicide –  https://www.facesofsuicide.com/
• Suicide Memorial Wall – tribute site for those who died by suicide – https://www.suicidememorialwall.com/

Professional Resources

Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress

After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
http://www.personalgriefcoach.net
This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.

Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors
http://www.allianceofhope.org
This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.

Friends for Survival
http://www.friendsforsurvival.org
This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.

HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide
http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org
This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.

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Resources and Support Groups

Parents of Suicides and Friends & Families of Suicides (POS-FFOS)
http://www.pos-ffos.com
This website provides a public message board called Suicide Grief Support Forum, a listserv for parents, a separate listserv for others, and an online chat room for survivors of suicide loss.

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)
https://www.taps.org/suicide
This organization provides resources and programs for people grieving the loss of a loved one who died while serving in the U.S. armed forces or as a result of their service. It has special resources and programs for suicide loss survivors.

United Survivors
https://unitesurvivors.org/
This organization is a place where people who have experienced suicide loss, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts and feelings, and their friends and families, can connect to use their lived experience to advocate for policy, systems, and cultural change.

Professional Organizations

American Association of Suicidology
suicidology.org • (202) 237-2280
Promotes public awareness, education and training for professionals, and sponsors an annual Healing After Suicide conference for suicide loss survivors. In addition to the conference, they offer a coping with suicide grief handbook by Jeffrey Jackson. This booklet is also available in Spanish.

The Compassionate Friends
compassionatefriends.org • (877) 969-0010
Offers resources for families after the death of a child. They sponsor support groups, newsletters and online support groups throughout the country, as well as an annual national conference for bereaved families.

The Dougy Center
The National Center for Grieving Children & Families
dougy.org • (503) 775-5683
Publishes extensive resources for helping children and teens who are grieving a death including death by suicide. Resources include the “Children, Teens and Suicide Loss” booklet created in partnership with AFSP. This booklet is also available in Spanish.

Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
thelink.org/nrc-for-suicide-prevention-aftercar • 404-256-2919
Dedicated to reaching out to those whose lives have been impacted by suicide and connecting them to available resources.

Tragedy Assistance Programs for Survivors (TAPS)
taps.org/suicide • (800) 959-TAPS (8277)
Provides comfort, care and resources to all those grieving the death of a military loved one through a national peer support network and connection to grief resources, all at no cost to surviving families and loved ones.

LOSS
losscs.org
Offers support groups, remembrance events, companioning, suicide postvention and prevention education, and training to other communities interested in developing or enhancing their suicide postvention and prevention efforts.

Online resources

Alliance of Hope
allianceofhope.org
Provides a 24/7 online forum for suicide loss survivors.

Help Guide
helpguide.org
Provides resources and tips for how to navigate the loss of someone to suicide.

Parents of Suicides (POS) – Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS)
pos-ffos.com
An internet community to connect parents, friends, and family that have lost someone to suicide.

SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
save.org/programs/suicide-loss-support • (952) 946-7998
Hosts resources for suicide loss survivor including a support group database, newsletter, survivor conference and the Named Memorial Program, which offers a special way to honor your loved one.

Siblings Survivors of Suicide Loss
siblingsurvivors.com
Provides resources and a platform to connect with others that have lost a sibling to suicide.

Finding professional care and support

Find a mental health provider

• afsp.org/FindAMentalHealthProfessional
• findtreatment.samhsa.gov
• mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help
• inclusivetherapists.com
• afsp.org/suicide-bereavement-trained-clinicians

Find a provider for prolonged grief

• prolongedgrief.columbia.edu

Find additional resources for marginalized communities

• afsp.org/mental-health-resources-for-marginalized-communities

Crisis Services

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
988lifeline.org
Call or text 988 (press 1 for Veterans, 2 for Spanish, 3 for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults) or chat 988lifeline.org
A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With crisis centers across the country, their mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.

Crisis Text Line
crisistextline.org
Text TALK to 741-741 for English
Text AYUDA to 741-741 for Spanish
Provides free, text-based mental health support and crisis intervention by empowering a community of trained volunteers to support people in their moments of need, 24/7.

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