Vibrant pink flowers bloom amidst wilting leaves, symbolizing beauty and resilience in the journey through grief, My Forever Son, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Journey Through Grief
“I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Journey Through Grief
Summary
“I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Journey Through Grief” is a collection of poignant blog posts chronicling the author’s emotional journey through the third year after losing her son to suicide. The posts explore the complexities of grief, the struggle for acceptance, and the moments of unexpected joy that arise amidst sorrow. Through writing, gardening, and cherishing memories, the author finds solace and healing, offering valuable resources for others navigating grief.
Key Takeaways
The article, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Journey Through Grief, shares the author’s emotional journey through grief three years after losing her son to suicide, highlighting her coping mechanisms.
Through writing and gardening, she reflects on healing while offering resources for others dealing with grief.
She recalls poignant memories, including finding her son’s last Mother’s Day card, which reinforces her enduring love.
The author emphasizes that grief remains a permanent part of her life, yet she also discovers moments of hope and healing.
Ultimately, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Journey Through Grief serves as a testament to the enduring power of love amidst heartache.
Introduction
“I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Journey Through Grief shares the author’s heartfelt journals from her third year of navigating the profound pain of losing her son, illuminating the emotional landscape of healing. Additional links on the third year of grief offer reflections on this challenging journey. The article conveys the deeply personal experiences of sorrow and healing that arise three years after losing a child to suicide. Through her poignant writing, nurturing gardening, and cherished memories, the author opens her heart, providing invaluable resources for those grappling with their own grief and guilt. Personal anecdotes cultivate a profound emotional bond with readers, allowing them to walk alongside the author in her journey.
Navigating Grief: Reflections Three Years After Losing My Son to Suicide
Introduction
Navigating Grief: Reflections Three Years After Losing My Son to Suicide is a deeply heartfelt collection of five poignant blog posts that chronicles my emotional journey through the third year following the tragic loss of my only son, Dylan, to suicide on June 25, 2012. This intimate compilation offers reflections and valuable resources that document a parent’s harrowing experience with overwhelming grief.
This heartfelt collection of blog posts from year three of my grief offers a profound exploration of sorrow and the healing journey, illuminating stories of love, remembrance, and a connection that transcends the boundaries of death. By sharing both the struggles and transformative experiences, this blog, My Forever Son, aspires to provide solace, practical insights, and a glimmer of hope to those navigating the intricate complexities of grief.
Navigating Grief: Reflections Three Years After Losing My Son to Suicide powerfully captures the intricate emotions of grief and the slow journey toward healing. During this early phase of grieving, I expressed the profound feelings I endured, alongside the challenging changes I encountered as I learned to navigate life without my cherished son. The three-year mark became a pivotal moment in my grief journey as I slowly began to reclaim my life.
My Journals: A Journey Through Sorrow and Unexpected Hope
During this tumultuous time of trying to regain order in my life after the loss of my son to suicide, I grappled with deep grief and confusion. My journals recorded not only my sorrow but also unexpected moments of joy as I navigated a world that felt forever changed.
I reflected on cherished memories, revisiting the laughter and love we shared, despite the profound emptiness my son’s absence left behind. Writing became a means to navigate my emotions and begin to heal amidst enduring heartbreak.
Healing Grief: 3 Years After Losing My Son is a profoundly touching reflection on the author’s heartfelt journey through the complexities of grief, hope, and healing, marking three long years since the devastating loss of her only child, her son Dylan, to suicide.
The thoughtfully selected images, many capturing the beauty of the author’s gardens, provide a poignant backdrop that deepens the emotional resonance of her words, inviting readers to connect with their own experiences of sorrow and healing.
In this heartfelt post, the author shares her most intimate thoughts and reflections, revealing the profound impact of her loss and the journey towards finding solace. Each entry is a testament to her resilience, capturing the raw emotions of grief, the struggle for acceptance, and the moments of unexpected joy that arise amidst the sorrow after 3 years of losing my son.
A close-up view of a delicate peach-colored Iris flower, symbolizing resilience and beauty amidst grief, Living Backwards Going Forward-A Grief Journey in Year 3, My Forever Son, as featured in Year 3 of Grief: Reflections from a Mother’s Heart
Living Backwards Going Forward-A Grief Journey in Year 3: Reflections from a Mother’s Heart
Living Backwards Going Forward-A Grief Journey in Year 3 compassionately delves into another of the author’s journals during the third year of her grief journey, where she encountered a haunting “sense of the surreal” after the loss of her son to suicide..
Each day felt trapped in the echo of her son’s memorial date, as cherished memories flooded her heart, prompting deep reflections on her parenting while navigating the relentless waves of sorrow.
The author poignantly shares her deeply personal experiences of navigating this overwhelming sorrow, using writing, gardening, and cherishing memories as powerful tools for healing. Through her words in this journal entry, she connects with others who may share similar feelings, creating a comforting space for understanding and empathy.
“I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A JourneyThrough Griefoffers a heartfelt glimpse into the author’s journals from her third year of navigating grief after the profound loss of her son to suicide, articulating the raw and poignant emotional experiences that accompany the path to healing.
Additional resources on the third year of grief enrich this exploration, providing valuable reflections on this challenging journey and the complexities of healing during such a difficult time.
Pink flowers trail over a cream and brown stoneware flower pot resting on bricks, symbolizing hope and resilience, My Forever Son, A Poetic Quest for Healing After Losing My Son
Author’s Note: A Poetic Quest for Healing After Losing My Son
Twelve years ago, I lost my 20-year-old son, Dylan, to suicide, a heartbreaking event that shattered my world and plunged me into a dark period of grief.
During those long months, I found myself grappling with overwhelming emotions and thoughts, questioning everything around me and struggling to make sense of what will never make sense. I entered into a deep grief filled with solitude and despair, a darkness so bleak I questioned ever being able to see light again.
In the beginning, I had no words. No voice. No ability to express the grief I was feeling.
My words were lost in torrents of tears, in stark contrast to the vibrant discussions I used to lead in my college composition and literature classes.
Perhaps it’s important to preface that I was teaching college composition and literature when I lost my son to suicide, a tragedy that shattered all of me. The irony of discussing the complexities of human emotion with my students while grappling with my own profound sorrow was not lost on me.
Each day, I faced the challenge of maintaining my professional facade, all the while battling an internal tempest that seemed insurmountable, wondering how to bridge the chasm between my role as an educator and the personal devastation I was enduring.
Wild purple geraniums surrounded by green leaves in mid-summer, symbolizing hope and a moment of tranquility, My Forever Son, A Poetic Quest for Healing After Losing My Son
My Life Before Losing My Son
Books, lectures, teaching—I once felt empowered by my voice, a resonant tool for sharing ideas and knowledge. It was a time when I believed in the strength of my words and the influence they carried, inspiring others to think deeply and engage in meaningful conversations.
I reveled in the connections I forged through sharing my thoughts, feeling a sense of purpose in my contributions to the world. But when Dylan died by suicide, I felt consumed by my grief. My heart collapsed inward in sharp pain, I retreated from the outside world, and my words eluded me.
Teaching was impossible. Losing Dylan shattered my life, leaving me, on the outside at least, grappling with an overwhelming silence that echoed louder than any lecture or written page.
On the inside, I was screaming sounds I did not recognize as my own.
The Depth of My Loss Brought My Life to a Standstill
The vibrant energy that once fueled my passion for writing vanquished, and I found myself questioning everything without being able to lend voice to the confusion and overwhelming feelings I was moving through in my grief.
The depth of my loss silenced the joy I once derived from sharing my thoughts and connecting with others.
All of my life came to a standstill as I entered a place of deep grief. It is only in retrospect and in these twelve years past my son’s suicide that I see how all-consuming my grief was.
Diminishing the confidence that fuels expression, my grief stifled my voice completely. It’s been a difficult battle to reclaim my sense of self amidst such sorrow.
A Poetic Quest for Self-Forgiveness and Healing
Journaling was awkward. I couldn’t put all the pain I was feeling into words that did justice to the enormity of my heartbreak. But I kept writing. Slowly, in keeping a record of my grief, I realized I was creating a poetic journey about losing a child to suicide.
“Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing”
Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing is a heartfelt collection of poems and reflections by Beth Brown, the compassionate voice behind the My Forever Son blog. This poignant work navigates the deep, overwhelming sorrow that accompanies the tragic loss of a child to suicide. In her writing, Brown bravely shares her personal journey through grief, revealing how the act of writing poetry and connecting with the beauty of nature became vital sources of comfort and healing for her in the midst of such profound pain.
Through the author’s heartfelt verses, she reaches out with warmth and understanding to those who are journeying through their own sorrows. With her enchanting photography of the trees, shrubs, and flowers that grace her gardens throughout the seasons, Brown lovingly shares a beacon of hope, brightly illuminating the shadows cast by grief.
On Finding Hope: Photographing My Gardens Brings Healing
In nature, I find calm in the wake of profound sorrow and healing in the cycling of the seasons. Predictable. Beautiful in the spring, promising renewal after a long winter’s rest. Brilliant hues in the summer months. Autumn bringing trees and shrubs bejeweled in vivid reds, oranges, and reds. And then the stillness and monochromatic sketch of what can be a too long winter’s sleep.
Winter Wonderland: Captivating Photos in My Gardens
A Long Winter’s Rest for Trees, Shrubs, and Flowers
This dormant season in winter echoes the hopelessness of my grief: everything feels, looks, seems bleak and forsaken.
This dormant season in winter echoes the hopelessness of my grief: everything feels, looks, seems bleak and forsaken. An empty landscape. Gray skies for months. A blanket of snow in white, though only the stark limbs of trees and shrubs. At times, though, red berries appear on some shrubs, supplying food for birds and wildlife. All this to say I can’t see life against this wintry scene.
But in photographing nature through the seasons, I began to see (again), the brilliance of a long winter’s rest for trees, shrubs, and flowers. To study nature and botany is to realize that what appears lifeless is actually the process of life within all of nature renewing itself. Trusting in what I cannot see brings hope and healing.
Spring Brings Hope: Photographs of My Gardens
Spring Brings Beauty and Hope
Even against the cold remnants of a long winter–scattered clumps of snow, a robin redbreast plumped out to keep itself warm against a late March frost, brown dried leaves with nary a sign of color anywhere, spring breaks through. At first just small bits of color. A hint of purple as crocus push through thawing ground, then the vivid yellows of daffodils leaning towards the sun and the suddenness of blue bells. Rhododendron yawns and stretches its lavender limbs to awaken azalea, still sleepy with snow though greening beneath it all.
What seems forever gone in the gray doldrums of winter arrives with an abundance of joy come spring.
Writing My Way Through Grief to Find Hope and Healing
Snippets of language emerged as poetic reflections
Three years into my grief, I began writing journal entries. Short. A few feelings. About my day and where I was in my grief journey. Then slowly, snippets of language emerged as poetic reflections. Words shaped the deep feelings and emotional longing in my heart, and as I continued writing, I began to find small glimpses of hope in unexpected ways.
Photographing my gardens garnered a way to coalesce all the many feelings and words I’d been unable to express. And the more I photographed through the seasons, the more glimmers of hope I found along the way.
Each poem moves the reader through the profound emotions of grief and healing after losing a child.
Many of the poems tell narratives I remember from my son’s childhood. This is significant–reconstructing the narrative of our lives during his growing-up years brings release for all the love and beautiful memories before the trauma of losing him. Writing these poems and narratives, these poetic reflections on love and loss, have helped me learn to carry love and ache together.
Still I write. Still I heal. Still I miss my son.
From Shattered Hearts to Quiet Hope: Poems and Reflections for Parents of Suicide Loss
Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing
If you are reading this, you know the unique and overwhelming grief of losing a child to suicide. This collection is for you—a place to find words and images that honor your pain, offer comfort, and gently invite hope.
Curated by Beth Brown, who lost her only child, her 20-year-old son Dylan, to suicide, these poems and reflections move through the rawness of early trauma, the depths of acute grief, and the slow journey toward healing, even thirteen years later. Each post pairs heartfelt writing with stunning garden photography, inspired by Beth’s own search for solace in nature’s resilience.
Hope can be quiet—listen for it in moments of rest.
You are invited to explore at your own pace. Choose what resonates—whether it’s a poem that mirrors your sorrow, a reflection that offers comfort, or an image that whispers hope. For more resources, stories, and support, visit the My Forever Son blog and discover a community that understands.
Contemplation Prompt: Pause with a garden image. What does it say to you about survival, growth, or hope?
About the Author, Beth Brown: Writing My Way Through Grief
The love you shared endures beyond loss.
This collection is lovingly curated by Beth Brown, a mother who lost her only child, her 20-year-old son Dylan, to suicide. Over thirteen years, Beth’s journey through the depths of grief has been shaped by poetry, reflection, and the healing presence of her gardens. Through My Forever Son, she shares how nature’s resilience and beauty offer moments of solace and hope, even in the face of unimaginable loss.
Explore These Poems and Reflections at Your Own Pace
You are invited to explore these poems and reflections at your own pace. Each post pairs heartfelt words with stunning garden photography, offering comfort, understanding, and gentle encouragement for wherever you are in your grief. Select what speaks to you—let these pages be a companion on your path toward healing. For more resources, stories, and support, visit the My Forever Son blog and discover a community that understands.
Journaling Prompt: What memories of your child bring both tears and warmth? Write a few lines, letting your heart speak freely.
You are not alone. Healing is a journey, and hope can bloom—even here.
Message of Hope: Even in the darkest seasons, a single flower can remind us that beauty and life persist. Let these poems be gentle companions as you move through your grief.
FIND HOPE HERE: POEMS AND POETIC REFLECTIONS ON GRIEF AND HEALING
“On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings”: A Poem on the Devastating Loss of a Child to Suicide Summary The poem “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” in the post, “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings”: A Poem on Grieving a Child’s Suicide explores the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. The author, Beth…
Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message Summary Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message explores the profound grief and regret of losing a child to suicide through the poem, “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon,” by author Beth Brown. Through vivid imagery and heartfelt repetition, the poem captures the enduring love…
“He Left Too Soon, Lifting Life from June” Poem: A Mother’s Deep Sorrow Summary “He Left Too Soon” is a poem about the profound sorrow and anguish of losing a child to suicide. The author, Beth Brown, shares her personal experience of grief and healing after losing her son, Dylan, to suicide. Through her writing,…
Sorrow Buried in Love: A Poem for Grieving Parents Summary “Sorrow Buried in Love: A Poem for Grieving Parents” explores the profound grief and complex emotions experienced by parents who have lost a child to suicide. The poem emphasizes the importance of honoring the child’s memory while navigating the challenging path of healing, highlighting that…
Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling” Summary Beth Brown, a devoted mother who suffered the heartbreaking loss of her son to suicide, recounts her profound journey of healing through the power of poetry in her poignant blog, My Forever Son: Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide. In her deeply…
The Emotional Depth of ‘Beat Still My Heart’: A Powerful Elegy Summary The Emotional Depth of ‘Beat Still My Heart’: A Powerful Elegy features the grief poem, “Beat Still My Heart,”a powerful elegy that uses shipwreck imagery to convey the grief of losing a child to suicide. The grief poem, written by Beth Brown, explores…
If Only a Mother’s Love: A Poem on Loss Summary If Only a Mother’s Love: A Poem on Loss highlights the powerful poem “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You”which explores the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. It delves into themes of guilt, love, and the struggle to find healing.…
Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing Summary Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing is a heartfelt collection of poems on love and loss that tenderly explores the profound pain of losing a child to suicide. The author, Beth Brown, shares her deeply personal journey through grief, illustrating how she…
“Bury My Heart”: A Grief Poem of Unimaginable Loss Summary “Bury My Heart”: A Grief Poem of Unimaginable Loss is a poignant poem by Beth Brown, exploring the profound grief and longing experienced after losing a child to suicide. The poem delves into the author’s personal journey of navigating life without her son, Dylan, and…
‘That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back’: Poem on Guilt in Grief Summary “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” is a poignant poem by Beth Brown, exploring the profound guilt and sorrow parents experience after losing a child to suicide. The poem delves into the haunting questions of “What If?” and “Why…
Derecho: A Storm Out of Nowhere–Grief Poem, “He Left Too Soon” Summary Beth Brown’s poignant poem, “Derecho: A Storm Out of Nowhere -Grief Poem “He Left Too Soon,” skillfully intertwines the sorrow stemming from the loss of her son to suicide with the tumult wrought by a powerful Derecho storm that occurred on the day…
When Love Isn’t Enough: ‘Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand’ Summary When Love Isn’t Enough: ‘Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand’ unravels the profound complexities surrounding suicide, featuring an impactful poem and a heartfelt treatise by the author, “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand.” This poignant article and poetic reflection encourage readers…
Tillers of the Earth and Tenders of the Soil: A Poem of Love and Loss Summary “Tillers of the Earth and Tenders of the Soil”: A Poem of Love and Loss is a heartfelt reflection on the themes of love and loss, born from the deep and painful grief of the author following the heartbreaking…
“If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above)” Poem: Reflections on Love and Loss Summary “If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above)” Poem: Reflections on Love and Loss depicts a deeply personal and emotional journey of losing a child to suicide. The author effectively conveys the profound impact of grief through heartfelt words and metaphors. The…
“Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: A Poem on Losing a Child to Suicide Summary The poem “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: A Poem on Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt piece on losing a child to suicide that explores the profound grief and longing experienced after such a tragic loss. The…
The Magnolia Tree: A Symbol of Grief and Resilience Summary The Magnolia Tree: A Symbol of Grief and Resilience explores the author’s journey of grief through the metaphor of a Magnolia tree’s cyclical seasons. The author uses photography to illustrate the parallels between nature’s cycles and the seasons of grief, finding hope and healing in…
Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love–And This Grief Come to Stay” Poem Analysis Summary Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love–And This Grief Come to Stay” Poem Analysis by Beth Brown explores the profound connection between love and grief following the loss of her son to suicide. The poem emphasizes…
Finding Beauty in Loss: Reflections on Grief and Healing Key Takeaways Summary Finding Beauty in Loss: Reflections on Grief and Healing shares author Beth Brown’s journey of grief and healing after losing her son, Dylan, to suicide. Through poetry and nature photography, she finds solace and a way to express her overwhelming emotions after suicide loss.…
“Rain Comes to Heal Us All” Poem: Finding Hope After Losing a Child to Suicide Summary “Rain Comes to Heal Us All” Poem: Finding Hope After Loss conveys a powerful message of hope for parents grieving a child’s suicide. Acknowledging the profound sorrow of loss and the traumatic grief of losing a child to suicide,…
“Travel On My Brave Soldier”: A Poem of Hope Summary “Travel On My Brave Soldier”: A Poem of Hope addresses grieving parents who have suffered the unimaginable loss of a child to suicide. It underscores the profound importance of honoring their child’s memory through meaningful rituals, sharing heartfelt stories, and engaging in advocacy events that…
The anthology of poems in this book provides a profound and moving examination of grief, intricately intertwining original verses that delve into themes of loss, guilt, hope, self-forgiveness, and the path to healing. Expertly curated, the arrangement of poems invites deep reflection, serving as a treasured companion for those in search of solace and connection during difficult times.
Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress http://www.personalgriefcoach.net This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors http://www.allianceofhope.org This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.
Friends for Survival http://www.friendsforsurvival.org This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.
HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.
Resources and Support Groups
Parents of Suicides and Friends & Families of Suicides (POS-FFOS) http://www.pos-ffos.com This website provides a public message board called Suicide Grief Support Forum, a listserv for parents, a separate listserv for others, and an online chat room for survivors of suicide loss.
Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) https://www.taps.org/suicide This organization provides resources and programs for people grieving the loss of a loved one who died while serving in the U.S. armed forces or as a result of their service. It has special resources and programs for suicide loss survivors.
United Survivors https://unitesurvivors.org/ This organization is a place where people who have experienced suicide loss, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts and feelings, and their friends and families, can connect to use their lived experience to advocate for policy, systems, and cultural change.
Professional Organizations
American Association of Suicidology suicidology.org • (202) 237-2280 Promotes public awareness, education and training for professionals, and sponsors an annual Healing After Suicide conference for suicide loss survivors. In addition to the conference, they offer a coping with suicide grief handbook by Jeffrey Jackson. This booklet is also available in Spanish.
The Compassionate Friends compassionatefriends.org • (877) 969-0010 Offers resources for families after the death of a child. They sponsor support groups, newsletters and online support groups throughout the country, as well as an annual national conference for bereaved families.
The Dougy Center The National Center for Grieving Children & Families dougy.org • (503) 775-5683 Publishes extensive resources for helping children and teens who are grieving a death including death by suicide. Resources include the “Children, Teens and Suicide Loss” booklet created in partnership with AFSP. This booklet is also available in Spanish.
Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare thelink.org/nrc-for-suicide-prevention-aftercar • 404-256-2919 Dedicated to reaching out to those whose lives have been impacted by suicide and connecting them to available resources.
Tragedy Assistance Programs for Survivors (TAPS) taps.org/suicide • (800) 959-TAPS (8277) Provides comfort, care and resources to all those grieving the death of a military loved one through a national peer support network and connection to grief resources, all at no cost to surviving families and loved ones.
LOSS losscs.org Offers support groups, remembrance events, companioning, suicide postvention and prevention education, and training to other communities interested in developing or enhancing their suicide postvention and prevention efforts.
Online resources
Alliance of Hope allianceofhope.org Provides a 24/7 online forum for suicide loss survivors.
Help Guide helpguide.org Provides resources and tips for how to navigate the loss of someone to suicide.
Parents of Suicides (POS) – Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS) pos-ffos.com An internet community to connect parents, friends, and family that have lost someone to suicide.
SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education save.org/programs/suicide-loss-support • (952) 946-7998 Hosts resources for suicide loss survivor including a support group database, newsletter, survivor conference and the Named Memorial Program, which offers a special way to honor your loved one.
Siblings Survivors of Suicide Loss siblingsurvivors.com Provides resources and a platform to connect with others that have lost a sibling to suicide.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline 988lifeline.org Call or text 988 (press 1 for Veterans, 2 for Spanish, 3 for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults) or chat 988lifeline.org A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With crisis centers across the country, their mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.
Crisis Text Line crisistextline.org Text TALK to 741-741 for English Text AYUDA to 741-741 for Spanish Provides free, text-based mental health support and crisis intervention by empowering a community of trained volunteers to support people in their moments of need, 24/7.
Beth Brown, Author
Beth Brown, author and educator, sharing her journey of healing through poetry after the loss of her son
About the Author
Beth Brown is a writer, educator, and bereaved mother who shares her journey of healing after losing her only son, Dylan, to suicide. Through poetry, essays, and her blog My Forever Son, Beth offers comfort and hope to others navigating grief, honoring the enduring bond between parent and child and celebrating the small joys that illuminate the path toward healing.
Meet the Author: Writing Through the Abyss
byBeth Brown
There are places that cannot be mapped, only entered—terrains of loss where language falters and the heart, stripped of its certainties, must learn to speak again. I am Beth Brown, a mother whose son, Dylan, died by suicide at twenty. My life, once measured by the ordinary rhythms of teaching literature and nurturing a child, was pierced in two: before and after. In the aftermath, I found myself wandering a wilderness where time bent, memory ached, and the world’s colors dimmed to the hush of grief.
I did not choose to become a chronicler of sorrow, but grief, relentless and unbidden, pressed its ink into my hands. I wrote because I could not bear the silence. I wrote because the ache demanded witness. In poetry, I found a way to hold both the weight of absence and the persistence of love—a language for the unspeakable, a vessel for memory, a place where my son’s name could still be spoken.
He left too soon, Lifting life from June, Casting torrents of rain. — “He Left Too Soon”
There are nights when the world tilts, and I am returned to the moment of loss, the fracture that remade me. Yet even in the deepest dark, I have learned to listen for the faint music of hope, the pulse of love that endures beyond death.
Beat still my heart, Beat still my mind, Weary though thou art, Carry his love along with thine, Though heavy on thy shoulders Crost fields throughout all time. — “Beat Still My Heart”
My poems are not answers. They are offerings—fragments of a life lived in the shadow of absence, pieced together with longing and the fierce, unyielding devotion of a mother’s heart. They are the record of a journey through the labyrinth of grief, where each turn reveals both the ache of what is lost and the quiet radiance of what remains.
My child sleeps in a cradle of stars, Gently rocked by the moon Lullabies in his heart, Heavens in galaxies swirl round to the sound Of a mother and child’s love beating on.
Meteor showers, on the darkest of nights, Bring comfort and joy to my child’s delight, Aurora Borealis tints sky blue and green, Where my child remembers his mother in dreams.
There are questions that haunt the bereaved: Could I have known? Could I have saved you? The mind circles these unanswerable riddles, but the heart, battered and tender, learns to rest in the mystery.
I’d have reached right in to your dark night’s soul— I would have held on, I would have clutched you, I would have never let you go But you told me “Mom I love you” Oh my child, if I’d only known. — “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon”
In the landscape of loss, I have discovered that love is not diminished by death. It is transformed—becoming both ache and solace, shadow and light, the filament that binds the living to the lost.
Body, mind, soul, rough and ragged, Weeping tears falling still throughout time, Carrying weight of mourning and grieving Falling broken when thou wert mine. — “Beat Still My Heart”
I write for those who walk this wilderness with me—for the mothers and fathers, siblings and friends, whose lives have been marked by the unthinkable. My hope is that in these poems, you will find not only the echo of your own sorrow, but also the quiet assurance that you are not alone.
Starlight for a mobile twinkling ‘ere so bright, To remember his mother that darkest of nights, When slipped he from her grasp and fell through this earth, Tumbling still planets, sun, folding time in rebirth. — “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”
That we might understand we cannot separate mental illness from physical illness and that try as we might, we cannot see inside another’s pain.
If you have come here searching for words to companion your grief, I welcome you. My poetry is not a map, but a lantern—casting light on the path we walk, together and alone, toward a horizon where love, undiminished, endures.
But boughs break and love falls through the cracks in the earth, And the centre can’t hold when orbits, slung far, break their girth, Gravitational interference, passing stars in the night, Jetting orbs, falling stars in a moonless sky. — “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”
Grief is wild—untamed, unending, and full of shadows. Yet within its depths, I have found moments of light: a memory, a poem, the gentle rustle of leaves, the warmth of a cup of tea. My words are both ache and love, a testament that even in the deepest sorrow, we can find meaning, connection, and—sometimes—hope. Through poetry, I reach for my son and for all who walk this path. If you find yourself here, know that you are not alone, and that love—like poetry—endures.
Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing After Losing a Child
Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing is a poignant collection of poems by Beth Brown that explores the intense pain of losing a child to suicide. Through her personal journey of grief and healing, Brown offers comfort to readers experiencing similar heartaches. This collection not only delves into the complexities of grief with heartfelt verses but also illuminates paths to hope and resilience.
The author’s authentic and vulnerable expressions invite reflection on shared experiences of loss. Ultimately, Find Hope Here: Poetic Reflections on Grief and Healing serves as a touching reminder of love’s enduring strength and the essential nature of healing. Each poem gently guides readers through their grief, providing solace and understanding amidst profound sorrow.
FIND HOPE HERE: POETIC REFLECTIONS. ON GRIEF AND HEALING
Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message Summary Understanding ‘Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon’ Poem’s Heartfelt Message explores the profound grief and regret of losing a child to suicide through the poem, “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon,” by author Beth Brown. Through vivid imagery and heartfelt repetition, the poem captures the enduring love…
“Bury My Heart”: A Grief Poem of Unimaginable Loss Summary “Bury My Heart”: A Grief Poem of Unimaginable Loss is a poignant poem by Beth Brown, exploring the profound grief and longing experienced after losing a child to suicide. The poem delves into the author’s personal journey of navigating life without her son, Dylan, and…
Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love–And This Grief Come to Stay” Poem Analysis Summary Holding True to My Son’s Narrative: “Shaped by Love–And This Grief Come to Stay” Poem Analysis by Beth Brown explores the profound connection between love and grief following the loss of her son to suicide. The poem emphasizes…
If Only a Mother’s Love: A Poem on Loss Summary If Only a Mother’s Love: A Poem on Loss highlights the powerful poem “If Only a Mother’s Love Could Have Saved You”which explores the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. It delves into themes of guilt, love, and the struggle to find healing.…
“Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: A Poem on Losing a Child to Suicide Summary The poem “Falling Stars in a Moonless Sky”: A Poem on Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt piece on losing a child to suicide that explores the profound grief and longing experienced after such a tragic loss. The…
“On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings”: A Poem on the Devastating Loss of a Child to Suicide Summary The poem “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings” in the post, “On Baby’s Breath and Angel Wings”: A Poem on Grieving a Child’s Suicide explores the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. The author, Beth…
Derecho: A Storm Out of Nowhere–Grief Poem, “He Left Too Soon” Summary Beth Brown’s poignant poem, “Derecho: A Storm Out of Nowhere -Grief Poem “He Left Too Soon,” skillfully intertwines the sorrow stemming from the loss of her son to suicide with the tumult wrought by a powerful Derecho storm that occurred on the day…
Sorrow Buried in Love: A Poem for Grieving Parents Summary “Sorrow Buried in Love: A Poem for Grieving Parents” explores the profound grief and complex emotions experienced by parents who have lost a child to suicide. The poem emphasizes the importance of honoring the child’s memory while navigating the challenging path of healing, highlighting that…
“He Left Too Soon, Lifting Life from June” Poem: A Mother’s Deep Sorrow Summary “He Left Too Soon” is a poem about the profound sorrow and anguish of losing a child to suicide. The author, Beth Brown, shares her personal experience of grief and healing after losing her son, Dylan, to suicide. Through her writing,…
The Emotional Depth of ‘Beat Still My Heart’: A Powerful Elegy Summary The Emotional Depth of ‘Beat Still My Heart’: A Powerful Elegy features the grief poem, “Beat Still My Heart,”a powerful elegy that uses shipwreck imagery to convey the grief of losing a child to suicide. The grief poem, written by Beth Brown, explores…
When Love Isn’t Enough: ‘Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand’ Summary When Love Isn’t Enough: ‘Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand’ unravels the profound complexities surrounding suicide, featuring an impactful poem and a heartfelt treatise by the author, “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand.” This poignant article and poetic reflection encourage readers…
“Travel On My Brave Soldier”: A Poem of Hope Summary “Travel On My Brave Soldier”: A Poem of Hope addresses grieving parents who have suffered the unimaginable loss of a child to suicide. It underscores the profound importance of honoring their child’s memory through meaningful rituals, sharing heartfelt stories, and engaging in advocacy events that…
Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling” Summary Beth Brown, a devoted mother who suffered the heartbreaking loss of her son to suicide, recounts her profound journey of healing through the power of poetry in her poignant blog, My Forever Son: Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide. In her deeply…
‘That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back’: Poem on Guilt in Grief Summary “That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back” is a poignant poem by Beth Brown, exploring the profound guilt and sorrow parents experience after losing a child to suicide. The poem delves into the haunting questions of “What If?” and “Why…
“If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above)” Poem: Reflections on Love and Loss Summary “If Earth Were Sky (And Sky Above)” Poem: Reflections on Love and Loss depicts a deeply personal and emotional journey of losing a child to suicide. The author effectively conveys the profound impact of grief through heartfelt words and metaphors. The…
Tillers of the Earth and Tenders of the Soil: A Poem of Love and Loss Summary “Tillers of the Earth and Tenders of the Soil”: A Poem of Love and Loss is a heartfelt reflection on the themes of love and loss, born from the deep and painful grief of the author following the heartbreaking…
“I Will Seek Until I Find You” Poem: A Journey Through Grief Summary “I Will Seek Until I Find You” Poem: A Journey Through Grief explores the profound journey of grief after losing a child to suicide. It captures complex emotions, from sorrow to enduring love, while inviting readers to navigate their own paths of…
“Rain Comes to Heal Us All” Poem: Finding Hope After Losing a Child to Suicide Summary “Rain Comes to Heal Us All” Poem: Finding Hope After Loss conveys a powerful message of hope for parents grieving a child’s suicide. Acknowledging the profound sorrow of loss and the traumatic grief of losing a child to suicide,…
Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources
A source of support, Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources provides comfort to grieving parents and offers hope for healing. The article discusses the challenges of grief and shares insights into the emotional struggles after such a loss. With helpful advice and personal stories, the article helps parents cope with feelings of anger, confusion, and sadness, guiding them through their grief. Ultimately, it serves as a companion, helping parents build strength and resilience as they learn to live with their grief, one day at a time.
Navigating Guilt in Grief: A Parent’s Guide explores the complex emotions parents experience after losing a child to suicide, including grief and guilt. Through personal stories and impactful quotes, it provides comfort and validation, reminding parents they are not alone. The guide addresses how societal expectations can intensify these feelings and offers practical advice to help parents connect and understand their emotions as they work through their healing journey.
Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide offers a compassionate exploration of the emotions parents face after losing a child to suicide. This heartfelt post provides understanding and guidance for grieving families, featuring quotes from mental health professionals and bereaved parents, as well as crucial resources like hotlines and support groups. It emphasizes that losing a child to suicide does not mean you failed as a parent, as mental health issues and risk factors are often beyond your control. Remember, your child’s decision was driven by their own pain, not a desire to hurt you.
A vibrant display of purple flowers blooming among lush green foliage, symbolizing resilience and the beauty of life amidst grief, My Forever Son, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
A touching Mother’s Day card adorned with bright flowers, alongside a cherished photo of the author and her son, symbolizing enduring love and memory, My Forever Son, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
A Mother’s Day Card: Love That Hurts Yet Heals
“It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing,” a random post on social media, anonymous, yet so completely relevant to this grieving of losing a child.
Beth Brown, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey, My Forever Son
Oh My Heart: One Last Mother’s Day Card Brings Back All the Memories
Mother’s Day Memories: I found a Mother’s Day card a few weeks ago. Dylan’s last Mother’s Day card to me in May of 2012. I wasn’t looking for the card, but I saw its bright orange color peering out from beneath a stack of papers I hadn’t been through in a while. I was instantly drawn to its happy color.
Joy of Being Called Mom
The card says “mom, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t need your love and support. . .and I can’t imagine a time when I won’t. Happy Mother’s Day With Love.”
Dylan signed it “I’ll love you forever mom. Love Dylan.”
That did me in. It’s now on my desk beside me, propped open to the “I’ll love you forever mom, Love, Dylan.”
He knew, he just couldn’t tell me. That he couldn’t stay forever. That he had to go. That I would never understand why he had to go.
I love him so much still, always, forever. Love doesn’t die. It is only this interim between now and when I get to see him again that brings ache and sadness and a constant heavy heart. Even in the midst of sadness, I find his memories etched so deep as to define who I am. His love, my heart. His absence, my ache.
In those quiet reflections, I hold close the belief that love connects even the toughest of separations. I find warmth in moments of chilling loneliness knowing I will again, someday, be with my son.
One Last Mother’s Day Card
A heartfelt Mother’s Day card filled with love, featuring a poignant message from a son to his mother, emphasizing the enduring bond between them, My Forever Son, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
I’ll Love You Forever, Mom
“mom” was written at the top of the card.
Beautiful glittery pink and yellow flowers
flowed down and across the card.
In the bottom right hand corner of the card,
“I can’t remember a time when I didn’t need your love and support.”
Inside the Mother’s Day card,
“And I can’t imagine a time when I won’t.”
Beneath the powerful message of love was Dylan’s handwritten note to me:
“Happy Mother’s Day With Love”
I’ll love you forever mom,
Love, Dylan
Beth Brown, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey, My Forever Son
Dylan signed the card–and this part gets me every time I read and reread what he wrote–
I’ll love you forever mom. Love, Dylan
The Color Orange Brought Him Joy
And so I see Dylan’s words on this orange card–orange was always Dylan’s favorite color as a child–and for the first time, see so clearly in this Mother’s Day message that, for whatever reason, Dylan couldn’t stay.
Navigating Grief, Year 6: Reflections on Losing a Son to Suicide looks at grief, hope, and healing from a parent’s perspective after losing a child to suicide. The reflections use poetic language to describe what it feels like to lose a child to suicide, especially on his memorial date in year 6 of grief.
A heartfelt memory captured in a joyful moment, reflecting on the enduring love of a son for his mother, Dylan, My Forever Son, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
A vibrant cluster of pink roses adorned with raindrops, symbolizing beauty and resilience in nature, My Forever Son, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
Download 3 Compassionate Poems for Grieving Parents
Healing Words: Download 3 Compassionate Poems for Grieving Parents
Pink Rose with Green Leaves in Bloom, symbolizing hope and remembrance in grief, Healing Words: Download 3 Compassionate Poems for Grieving Parents, My Forever SonA vibrant display of nasturtium leaves in a garden pot, symbolizing growth and resilience amidst grief, My Forever Son, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
Living Backwards Going Forward: My Journal Reflections in Year 3 Grief
Tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of Dylan’s memorial. In Living Backwards Going Forward–A Grief Journey in Year 3, I share my reflections on the journey of moving forward after the profound stillness, the literal stopping of time in my life, that accompanied my son’s death by suicide. Here is an excerpt from Living Backwards Going Forward:A Grief Journey in Year 3.
A Sense of the Surreal
Living Backwards Going Forward means that in the strangest of ways, it is always, for me, June 25th, 2012. Or some time before that. All the way back to March 1992 and up to June 2012.
I suppose to some effect, my life is indeed lived backwards. Remembering vivid memories (both good memories and bad), evaluating my parenting, assessing things I said (and didn’t say), searching for “Why?” and struggling with ongoing grief.
I am in this surreal space of not yet knowing who I am without Dylan and yet finding myself three years into this journey of being here–as is, as now.
Quiet Tears After 3 Years of Loss: My Journal Reflections on Grief
Healing Grief: Embracing Quiet Tears After 3 Years of Loss, I acknowledge that I am still standing, still functioning after losing my son to suicide, but that the month of June, his memorial date, is a nightmarish month for me. Echoes of Dylan’s death are everywhere.
Here is an excerpt from my grief reflection journals 3 years out from Dylan’s suicide:
It is June, a perilous month for me. On June 25th, it will be 3 years since Dylan died, and for the past 2 years, I’ve not even wanted to live to see June come. How to begin to explain the heartbreak, the heart shattering, the draining of my lifeblood, bones, body, mind, my everything, in the wake of losing my only child, Dylan.
Some people have said this to me, “there are no words.” They are right–there are no words, only keening, agonizingly brutal, tidal-wave emotional upheaval, and hellish days and nights.
And so it is June 9th, and I am still standing. Moving, actually, moving. Staying busy. Connected. Reaching out to others.
Calling friends intentionally to talk about their lives and interests, sometimes mentioning where I am.
Calling a few close friends/family who have endured my acute grief and still stand by my side, knowing that while things appear “better,” more peaceful, perhaps, that this is a nightmarish month for me and that echoes of Dylan’s death are easily triggered.
Coping with Grief on His Memorial Date: Gathering Together to Remember
I have invited those who knew and loved Dylan to come over, as well as those who know and love me as I walk out this now life’s journey without Dylan alongside me.
Every year for his birthday I’d ask him what kind of cake he wanted me to make. I have always cooked from scratch, and while Dylan loved my traditional annual fall Apple Dapple cake, he treasured my Wowie (chocolate of course!) cake. For 19 years, I made a Wowie cake for his birthday at his request. I hope they have Wowie cake in heaven.
There will be pizza (Dylan’s favorite), salad (because I always insisted on something healthy), chocolate (oh, how Dylan loved chocolate), Reese’s peanut butter cups, really good chocolate, Godiva, Anthony Thomas, and good old Hershey’s.
Healing 3 Years After Losing My Son to Suicide: My Journal Reflections in Year 3
A Glimpse of Hope
How can this even be? In losing my only child, I lost all that I am and for the first 3 years, just ran rugged and weary, ragged and grief-beleaguered.
Some days, I still do.
[Suggested Reading]: Healing After Loss: 3 Years of Grieving My Sontenderly unfolds the pages of the author’s journals from the third year after experiencing the unimaginable pain of losing her son to suicide. In this heartfelt collection, she vulnerably expresses her deepest thoughts and reflections, offering an intimate look into the overwhelming sorrow of her grief and her earnest search for healing. Each entry stands as a poignant testament to her extraordinary strength, powerfully conveying the depths of her sadness, the difficult journey toward acceptance, and the unexpected moments of joy that can flicker like light in the darkest times.
Finding Glimpses of Hope and Healing
But I am amazed because now, I can (sometimes) house both sorrow and even a kind of momentary time-out-of-time happiness.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt elevated, lightened, unburdened. It’s such a relief, it’s such a reprieve. Maybe there is hope and healing along the way.
HealingGrief: 3 Years After Losing My Son is a deeply moving exploration of the author’s journey through grief, hope, and healing marking three years since the loss of her beloved son to suicide.
Through heartfelt personal anecdotes and thoughtful references to grief support resources, the narrative resonates profoundly with those who share similar experiences. The carefully chosen images, many of the photos are of the author’s gardens, enhance the emotional depth of the writing, reinforcing the connection to the reader’s own sorrow.
Ultimately, HealingGrief: 3 Years After Losing My Son serves as a beacon of hope and a testament to the healing power of love amidst the darkest moments.
Three Things I’ve Learned in Three Years of Grief
Year One: Just Breathe… And Keep It Simple: Eat A Little, Sleep When I Can, Just Breathe
Year Two:“You Can Survive“… This Is Harder Than It Sounds
Year Three:“Grief Is Here To Stay”… Because My Love For My Son Is Here To Stay. My Grief Is My Love For Dylan
Grief is Here to Stay
But as far as ever getting over it (grief for one’s child), there is no such thing.
Parent of a child who died by suicide, “I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey, My Forever Son
Grief is not something we ever get over, but we learn to walk with it
Grief is not something we ever get over, and it doesn’t ever stop. What we learn to do is grow around our grief, to encompass it and incorporate it or manage it into our own life, she says. We walk with it.
Every time you turn around—there’s a reminder, there’s a statement, there’s a feeling, there’s an emotion—and you are overwhelmed by your grief, she says. And as we walk with this, and you learn to understand your own grief process, it becomes something that you can manage.
A collection of grief support books stacked on a table, symbolizing the journey of healing for parents after losing a child.
Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief
These Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief offer invaluable support for parents grappling with the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. Rich in compassion and understanding, they provide personal narratives, expert insights on grief, and essential strategies for healing.
Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources
Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resourcesprovides a compassionate guide to support parents through the pain of losing a child to suicide. It explores the journey of grief, the importance of support networks, and self-care during this difficult time. The guide offers suggestions for honoring a child’s memory, creating a meaningful legacy to provide solace amidst heartache.
Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt exploration of the overwhelming emotions that parents face after the tragic loss of a child to suicide. It delicately unravels the deep feelings of grief, guilt, and despair that can engulf those grappling with such an unimaginable sorrow. Through intimate personal stories and touching quotes, it provides a compassionate perspective that aims to comfort and support parents on their difficult healing journey.
A person writing on a piece of paper, emphasizing the reflection and processing of emotions during the grief journey, Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son, My Forever Son
Self-Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son
Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son is a deeply emotional narrative that explores feelings of self-blame and guilt after the loss of a son. This poignant story guides readers through the tumultuous emotions parents face, sharing the author’s deep sorrow and questioning what could have been done differently. It emphasizes the need for support and understanding during the arduous healing journey.
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief
“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief is a powerful poem that reflects the overwhelming “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” guilt parents experience after losing a child to suicide. The poetic language directly addresses the haunting “What If?” and “Why Didn’t I See?” questions that plague those left behind, emphasizing the helplessness and regret that linger after such a tragic loss. The poem serves as a conduit for healing and self-forgiveness, exploring the possibility of moving beyond guilt and embracing acceptance, allowing love to shine through even the darkest of times.
Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling”
Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling” is a poignant poem that captures the intense emotions of grief and guilt after losing a child to suicide. The verses convey heartbreak and the struggle to find solace, using nature as a symbol for the grief journey. Vivid imagery of hawks circling above parallels feelings of despair, evoking a sense of helplessness in processing pain. Every line resonates with the weight of memories and the ache of loss, inviting readers to reflect on their own experiences with grief.
Just Breathe: When the Tears Come Randomly in Year 3 Grief
The tears come randomly and triggers come easily right now. I am emotionally exhausted and enervated, not unlike early acute grieving: My heart hurts.
I lie wide open, fragile, vulnerable. I am worn out, sad, feeling raw and listless, not wanting to do anything. Just Breathe.
I can’t turn back time. I can’t know why my son died by suicide. I can’t undo what Dylan did when he took his life, but I can breathe. And in the exhale, let go of so much pain.
Beth Brown, Navigating Grief: Support for Parents After Suicide, My Forever Son
As the anniversary of your child’s memorial date draws near, the weight of grief becomes undeniable, no matter how many years, months, or days you have spent on this journey. The reflections and coping strategies provided for these memorial dates offer valuable suggestions and insights to help you navigate these challenging moments.
Coping with Grief on Memorial Dates beautifully captures the deep sorrow parents endure on memorial dates, encompassing the overwhelming emotions of heartbreak and longing. A Deluge of Feelings: Year 8 Memorial Date poignantly portrays the author’s heartfelt journey as she navigates her son’s 8th Year Memorial Date, filled with vivid imagery that resonates with shared grief. 11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe is a tender poem that reflects the enduring grief I feel for my son, Dylan, who died by suicide at 20. Themes of love, loss, and remembrance.
A Letter to My Son in Year 9: Reflections on Lingering Grief is a heartfelt letter reflecting on the bittersweet journey of life without him. She explores the enduring impact of his absence, the lingering emotions, and the hope that guides her as she honors his memory.
Memorial Day: A Mother’s Reflection on LoveLoss, and Unbearable Tragedy shares the author’s deeply moving journey of navigating the pain and challenges that arose from her son’s fourth suicide attempt on Memorial Day, illuminating the complexities of a mother’s grief intertwined with a glimmer of hope.
A beautiful close-up of yellow roses blooming in a garden, symbolizing resilience and hope amidst sorrow, My Forever Son,”I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
Grief, Hope, and Healing: It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing
Life Isn’t Supposed to Happen This Way
It all seems too much–showering, dressing, doing what needs to be done, putting one foot in front of the other, trying to carry this pretense of being “okay” to the outside world. As in the beginning as is now, it truly does only hurt when I’m breathing which is, of course, 24/7/365. Ugh.
Opting Out
I wish I could skip tomorrow. Opt out. Take the day out of the calendar. Wake up from this hellish nightmare that is now the shape, breath, and linear direction of my life as is, as now.
I slept forever last night. 10, 11 hours. Not enough. Nothing can be enough at this point in time, the day before my son died. I died too, but sadly, find myself still in this living, breathing, doing, being earthly body.
Still Questioning My Purpose Without My Son
Some days, I’m not even sure why I’m here. Most days I don’t know why I’m still here without my child. A mother belongs with her son. Parents belong with their children. Life isn’t supposed to happen this way.
I see young men in restaurants out and about, young adults who are in their early 20’s (Dylan would have just turned 23 years old). I see their easy demeanor, hear their laughter, see their easy-going smiles, hear them banter and call each other “bro.” God, the ache. I miss my son.
A close-up of blooming coral flowers symbolizing beauty and resilience in the journey of healing and grief, My Forever Son,”I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
Learning to Live Without
It is hard to learn to live without–without possibility, potential, likelihood, “normal,” for whatever that means.
Feeling Lost When Friends Talk About Their Child
It means I don’t fit in most of the time when I’m with my friends and in my community because the crux of their lives is their focus on children–their children, their grandchildren, their daughter-in-laws, their children’s rites of passage: graduation, the first job, the launch into the career, graduate school, academic accolades and honors and scholarships and grants, concern over their child’s choice of a girlfriend/boyfriend, concern and worry about an upcoming marriage, empty-nest syndrome, hope for grandchildren, pregnancy.
And sigh. . .grandchildren.
Lacking a Manual
I will never know any of these again. My life is strange. There is no manual or standard or how-to. I don’t often run into those who have lost children and so much of the time, feel lost in a community I’ve grown up in.
I can’t quite make things fit. I try–God knows I try, but inside, even when I’m doing my best to hide my deep, deep ache of sadness, I feel pangs of longing as they talk about their children and grandchildren. I feel so separate and alone.
I could live in hugs right now. I took warm laundry out of the dryer this morning and wrapped my arms around it. The warmth, the softness, the give.
A tender moment between a mother and her baby, capturing love and connection, Dylan, My Forever Son,”I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Grief Journey
Counting Down to His Memorial Date
I fell in love March 19, 1992 when Dylan was born, though truly have loved him since I knew he was inside me. Today, three years after his death, my child still is inside me.
He always was my lifeblood coursing through me–my heart’s joy, the beat, rhythm, and passion of all that I did. Find Hope Here: Poems of Love, Loss, and Losing a Childis a collection of poems I’ve written about what it’s like to lose a child.
Dylan was part of me and even now, I am still part of him. Thank God for hope, for faith that someday I will see him again. It is just this interim that bears so much pain.
Turbulent Dreams of Loss
Turbulent dreams, all my dreams are of loss, of losing, of being stolen from, of being desperate and chaotic, running wildly and frantically searching. I awaken each day exhausted, alive and breathing in the fully alert state of realizing Dylan’s death is final. It has been 3 years, yet still I struggle.
Coping with Loss
Last night I practiced Tai Chi–hard, focused, mentally and physically challenging, way longer than I should have, about three hours. I forgot to eat and was run ragged by the time I got home. Doing too much all the time right now is how I keep on keeping on right now.
Tonight, Tai Chi practice for one hour. Tomorrow, plans throughout the day. Meeting bereaved mothers for lunch. I will be with my family, my mom, my sister. I will light a candle in the morning, write a letter to Dylan, go where the day leads.
I’ve found all along that the lead-in is always worse than the actual day. I pray this is true of tomorrow as well.
May the day bring peace, love, and beautiful powerful remembrance of my precious and beloved Dylan, because always, I am missing my son– Dylan: Forever Loved and Remembered.
Always the love, always the remembering. Dylan, My Forever Son
A young man with a distinctive hairstyle, capturing a moment of casual reflection,
Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress http://www.personalgriefcoach.net This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors http://www.allianceofhope.org This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.
Friends for Survival http://www.friendsforsurvival.org This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.
HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.
Resources and Support Groups
Parents of Suicides and Friends & Families of Suicides (POS-FFOS) http://www.pos-ffos.com This website provides a public message board called Suicide Grief Support Forum, a listserv for parents, a separate listserv for others, and an online chat room for survivors of suicide loss.
Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) https://www.taps.org/suicide This organization provides resources and programs for people grieving the loss of a loved one who died while serving in the U.S. armed forces or as a result of their service. It has special resources and programs for suicide loss survivors.
United Survivors https://unitesurvivors.org/ This organization is a place where people who have experienced suicide loss, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts and feelings, and their friends and families, can connect to use their lived experience to advocate for policy, systems, and cultural change.
Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress http://www.personalgriefcoach.net This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors http://www.allianceofhope.org This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.
Friends for Survival http://www.friendsforsurvival.org This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.
HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.
Resources and Support Groups
Parents of Suicides and Friends & Families of Suicides (POS-FFOS) http://www.pos-ffos.com This website provides a public message board called Suicide Grief Support Forum, a listserv for parents, a separate listserv for others, and an online chat room for survivors of suicide loss.
Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) https://www.taps.org/suicide This organization provides resources and programs for people grieving the loss of a loved one who died while serving in the U.S. armed forces or as a result of their service. It has special resources and programs for suicide loss survivors.
United Survivors https://unitesurvivors.org/ This organization is a place where people who have experienced suicide loss, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts and feelings, and their friends and families, can connect to use their lived experience to advocate for policy, systems, and cultural change.
My Forever Son, My Beloved Dylan : Just Breathe: My Forever Son: Grief and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide A mother’s reflections on losing her only child–her 20-year-old son–to suicide, this blog (My Forever Son: Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide) includes messages of hope and healing amidst acute, complicated,…
Carrying the Heaviness of Silent Grief During the Winter Months Summary Carrying the Heaviness of Silent Grief During the Winter Months acknowledges the unique pain of grief and the added burden of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), especially during the winter months when the world can feel cold, silent, and heavy. It offers gentle encouragement, reminding…
Three Years of Grief and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide: A Journey Through Sorrow and Unexpected Hope Summary ‘Three Years of Grief and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide: A Journey Through Sorrow and Unexpected Hope’ is a heartfelt collection of five journal entries that share the author’s experiences with grief, hope,…
Understanding Grief: 3 Years After Losing a Child to Suicide Summary Understanding Grief: 3 Years After Losing a Child to Suicide offers insights into three years after losing a child to suicide where grief oftentimes transitions from acute anguish to a more integrated sorrow, where love and loss coexist. This “year of transition” involves rebuilding…
Summary My Forever Son Blog: A Journey Through Healing is a heartfelt space dedicated to sharing personal stories, poems, reflections, and lessons learned through the journey of loss and love. The blog honors the memory of the author’s son, fosters a supportive community for those grieving, and offers hope and healing through shared experiences and…
Breaking the Stigma: Facts About Suicide and Compassion Summary Breaking the Stigma: Facts About Suicide and Compassion systematically dismantles the myths and misconceptions associated with suicide, promoting a comprehensive understanding anchored in empathy and care. It methodically examines the cultural, social, and economic factors that influence suicide rates, providing essential global statistics and expert insights…
A Mother Navigates Grief and Healing After Losing Her Son to Suicide Summary The article “Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide” recounts a mother’s struggle with grief after losing a child to suicide and provides coping strategies and resources for grieving parents. She emphasizes the importance of community and support groups in the…
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Blooming pink azalea flowers representing love and remembrance, My Forever Son, Embracing Grief: A Poetic Journey of Love
Embracing Grief: A Poetic Journey of Love
Have you ever considered how your story might connect with others? We encourage you to share how you have embraced your grief and how it reflects the deep love you have for your child. Your experience can powerfully show how love and loss are connected, inspiring others on their journeys.
Reflect on your experiences: How have you embraced your grief? How does your grief reflect the deep love you have for your child?
Sharing your story can be a meaningful step in your healing journey. Reach out, and let’s transform your grief into a narrative that inspires and uplifts.
Musician. Writer. Literary Connoisseur. Always writing, scribbling poetry, turning feelings into words. "Break my heart even further" can't ever be done, for I lost my heart the night I lost my son. Come find me writing at My Forever Son: Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide.
At the whim of Most Beloved Cat, I write as she tattles on the garden cats. Find Most Beloved Cat sharing her stories at Gardens at Effingham: Where Cats Tell the Tales
6 replies on ““I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Journey Through Grief”
[…] not breathing, hoping, no consciousness of thought, just not really wanting to be here at all. I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing. Earth to sky to moon blue and yearning for you. Where to from here when now I cannot […]
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[…] I Only Hurt When I Breathe: A Journey Through Grief […]
6 replies on ““I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing”: A Journey Through Grief”
[…] not breathing, hoping, no consciousness of thought, just not really wanting to be here at all. I Only Hurt When I’m Breathing. Earth to sky to moon blue and yearning for you. Where to from here when now I cannot […]
[…] I Only Hurt When I Breathe: A Journey Through Grief […]
[…] I Only Hurt When I Breathe: A Journey Through Grief […]
[…] I Only Hurt When I Breathe: A Journey Through Grief […]
[…] I Only Hurt When I Breathe: A Journey Through Grief […]
[…] I Only Hurt When I Breathe: A Journey Through Grief […]