Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

Summary

“Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide” explores the overwhelming emotions and hurdles parents face after such a loss. It offers understanding, support, and guidance, including strategies for embracing grief, seeking support, and honoring the child’s memory. The article emphasizes that guilt is common but not the parent’s fault, and encourages a dialogue around mental health and community support.

Introduction

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide is a poignant and compassionate exploration of the overwhelming emotions and hurdles parents face following the tragic loss of a child to suicide. This heartfelt post delves deep into the raw and complex journey, offering understanding, support, and guidance tailored specifically for grieving families. It features meaningful quotes from mental health professionals and fellow bereaved parents, relating to other relevant posts that discuss different aspects of loss and resilience.

Crucial resources for seeking professional help and healing, including hotlines, support groups, and therapy options that can foster emotional recovery, are provided. By addressing the often-unspoken feelings of guilt and isolation, this article aims to validate the pain parents experience while also inspiring hope and renewal through shared stories and effective coping strategies. Through its comprehensive approach, the post encourages a dialogue around mental health and highlights the importance of community support in the healing process.

Related Reads

• Coping with the Grief of Losing a Child to Suicide
• Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources
• What to Say to Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide
• My Forever Son: Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide
• 4 Years After Loss: Navigating Grief and Healing

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Related Posts: Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

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My Forever Son

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Table of Contents

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Find Support to Cope with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

When a loved one dies by suicide, overwhelming emotions can leave you reeling. Your grief might be heart wrenching. At the same time, you might be consumed by guilt – wondering if you could have done something to prevent your loved one’s death.

Suicide Grief, Mayo Clinic

Strategies and Support for Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

If you’ve lost a child to suicide, Grief Tips for Parents After Child’s Suicide”How I Survived the Suicide of My Son: 15 Tips for Grieving Parents” is a must-read. Written by a mother who lost her son to suicide, these 15 tips can help parents begin to navigate the complexities of their grief.

Here are some strategies for grief after suicide loss that might help:

Embrace and Express Your Grief

Acknowledge your feelings: All ow yourself to fell and express the wide range of emotions that come with this loss, including shock, denial, guilt, anger, and sadness.

Don’t suppress your pain: Trying to avoid or suppress difficult emotions may only delay and deepen your pain. Allowing yourself to feel them can help them diminish over time.

Talk about your child: Share Memories oand stories of your child’s life and achievements. This helps to honor their life and legacy, rather than focusing solely on their death.

Find healthy coping mechanisms: Explore activites that help you process your grief and provide a sense of release. This could include journaling, creative expression (like writing or art), walking, or spending time in nature.

Seek Support

Connect with others: Reach out to frineds and family member s who can offer support and understanding. Don’t be afriad to ask for specific help, even if it’s just sitting wiht you or listening.

Join a support group: Connecting with other parents who have experienced a similar loss can be incredibly validating and helpful. Organizations like The Compassionate Friends or the American Foundation fort Suicide Prevention (AFSP) offer support groups specifically for suicide loss survivors.

Consider Professional Help

Consider professional help: A therapist or grief counselor can provide specialized support and strategies for navigating the unique complexities.

Take Care of Yourself

Prioritize self-care: Ensure you are getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals, and engaging in physical activity. These things can help manage the physical and emotional effects of grief.

Be kind to yourself: Remember that you are doing the best you can and that your pain is a reflection of the deep love you have for your child.

Don’t make big decisions: Try to avoid making major life changes for a while as you navigate this difficult period.

Honor Your Child’s Memory

Remember their life beyond their suicide: Focus on the positive aspects of your child’s life and celebrate their achievements.

Create memorials: This could involve planting a tree, starting a scholarship fund, or creating a memory box to honor your child.

Involve your child’s friends: Including their friends in events or memorials can be a meaningful way to honor your child and connect with others who loved them.

Understand the Uniqueness of Your Grief

Grief is a personal journey: Everyone’s experience with grief is different, and there is no timeline for healing.

Be patient with yourself: It takes time to process the loss of a child, especially due to suicide. Allow yourself the time and space you need to heal at your own pace.

Important Reminders

You are not to blame: It is crucial to understand that losing a child to suicide does not mean you failed as a parent.Mental health issues, substance abuse, and other risk factors s are complex and often beyond a parent’s control.

Your child’s love for you is not defined by their final act: Remember that your child’s decision to end their life was likely driven by their own pain and struggles, not by the desire to hurt you.

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Recommended Reading: A Handbook for Coping with Suicide Grief by Jeffrey Jackson

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Suicide Grief Brings a Barrage of Emotions

Feelings After Losing a Child to Suicide Can Include Parental Guilt

Guilt after losing a child to suicide makes suicide grief complicated.

Guilt after losing a child to suicide makes suicide grief complicated. Having strategies for coping with, and moving through, feelings of guilt can help you navigate grief towards help, hope, and healing.

Grief often comes in waves, ebbing and flowing, rather than in a set of predictable stages

With any loss, grief often comes in waves, ebbing and flowing, rather than in a set of predictable stages. Any grieving process can take a long time and throw up many difficult and unexpected emotions, but following a suicide, the normal responses to bereavement are often intensified.

Help.org, Suicide Grief: Coping with a Loved One’s Suicide,

Feelings of Guilt and Despair After a Child’s Suicide Can Overwhelm Grieving Parents

The overwhelming emotions and feelings that come after losing a child to suicide do not follow a linear order.

• Shock. Disbelief and emotional numbness might set in. You might think that your loved one’s suicide couldn’t possibly be real.
• Anger. You might be angry with your loved one for abandoning you or leaving you with a legacy of grief — or angry with yourself or others for missing clues about suicidal intentions.
• Guilt. You might replay “what if” and “if only” scenarios in your mind, blaming yourself for your loved one’s death.
• Despair. You might be gripped by sadness, loneliness or helplessness. You might have a physical collapse or even consider suicide yourself.
• Confusion. Many people try to make some sense out of the death, or try to understand why their loved one took his or her life. But, you’ll likely always have some unanswered questions.
• Feelings of rejection. You might wonder why your relationship wasn’t enough to keep your loved one from dying by suicide.

Mayo Clinic, Suicide Grief, Brace for Powerful Emotions

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Strategies and Support for Coping with Guilt in Grief

Coping with Guilt After Losing My Son to Suicide: Finding Connection in My Grief

I Wish I Had Known About These Grief Strategies

I wish I had known about these suicide grief strategies when I was new to suicide grief. Instead, I found myself floundering, reaching outwards for help while turning inwards in despair.

I didn’t know where to turn. I had lost my only child to suicide, my 20-year-old son Dylan. All of me was reeling: My world felt dark and hopeless. I didn’t think I could live without my son. I needed to feel not so alone.

While trying to understand everything you can about your loved one’s suicide is a normal part of the grieving process, it’s likely that you’ll be left with questions that can never be answered. Even if you do uncover all the answers, it won’t change the past or ease the grief and loss you’re experiencing. In time, however, it is possible to move beyond the question “Why?”, accept the unknowable, and start to heal.

Suicide Grief: Coping with Grief and Loss, Helpguide.org

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Self-Care Strategies for Coping with Guilt After Loss

Strategies to Cope with the Heaviness of Guilt in Grief

The strategies that follow include some of the ways that can help you cope with overwhelming guilt after suicide loss.

I have, through the past 12 years of my grief, used most of these strategies. My journal writing after losing my son to suicide became this blog, My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing my Son to Suicide.

Here are Some Strategies to Try for Coping with Suicide Grief

Keep a journal. Even if you’re not yet ready to talk about the difficult thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing, writing them down can provide an important release for your emotions. It may also help to write a letter to your loved one, saying the things you never got to say to them.

Remember your loved one’s life was about more than their suicide. Their final act doesn’t need to define their life. Try to remember and celebrate the important, joyous aspects of their life and of your relationship together. Mark their achievements and share memories, photos, and stories with others who loved them.

Expect ups and downs. The healing process rarely moves in a straight line. Some days your grief may seem more manageable than others. Then a painful reminder such as a birthday, holiday, or a favorite song playing on the radio will cause the waves of pain and sadness to return—even years after your loved one’s suicide.

Take care of yourself. It’s difficult to think about your own health at a time like this. But the stress and trauma you’re experiencing right now can take a serious toll on your mental and physical health. Try to eat healthy food, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, and spend time outdoors, ideally connecting with nature. While it’s tempting to turn to drugs and alcohol to help numb your grief, self-medicating won’t ease the pain and will only create more problems in the long-term.

Be patient. Don’t try to rush the healing process. Other people may move on or want to stop talking about your loss long before you do. If possible, avoid making major life decisions while you still feel overwhelmed by grief.

Suicide Grief: Coping With Grief and Loss, Helpguide.org

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Supporting Parents Through Grief After a Child’s Suicide

Where to Find Support

Parents of Suicides: An Online Support Group for Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide

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Parents of Suicides is a dedicated international online closed email group where parents who have lost a child to suicide come together to offer support, hope, and healing. Join a Community of Understanding. Parents of Suicides (PoS) provides a safe space for sharing experiences, coping mechanisms, and emotional support. You are not alone in this journey. Together, we can find strength and solace.

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Professional Resources and Support

Parents of Suicides is a compassionate, international online community for parents who have tragically lost a child to suicide, providing a safe space for support, connection, and resources to aid in their healing journey.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is a compassionate nonprofit organization devoted to saving lives and offering hope to individuals and families impacted by the profound pain of suicide.

Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors offers compassionate healing support for those navigating the profound shock, heart-wrenching grief, and intricate emotions that arise from losing a cherished loved one to suicide.

The American Association of Suicidology is a compassionate membership organization dedicated to deepening our understanding of suicide and working tirelessly to prevent it, fostering hope and healing for those affected.

Nationwide Children’s Hospital Suicide Research Center is dedicated to conducting compassionate research focused on understanding and reducing suicidal behaviors, as well as providing valuable insights to prevent the profound pain of suicide.

Mayo Clinic offers compassionate insights into the profound sorrow of losing a loved one to suicide, helping us navigate the complex emotions that accompany such grief and providing guidance on finding solace and support during this incredibly challenging time.

The Compassionate Friends provide invaluable Grief Resources & Support Groups for Parents and Families navigating the profound heartache of losing a child, offering comfort and connection during an incredibly difficult time.

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Seek Support to Help Cope with Grief After Suicide Loss

Seek out supportive friends and family. Confide in people you trust to be understanding, who are willing to listen when you want to talk, and won’t judge or tell you how you should be feeling.

Join a bereavement support group, ideally one for those who’ve lost someone to suicide. Being with others who’ve experienced a similar loss can offer invaluable support. You can be free to open up about your feelings without fear of being judged or made to feel awkward. Even if you’d rather just listen, hearing from others in a similar situation can provide hope and make you feel less isolated in your grief.

Use social media carefully. Social media can be a useful tool for letting others know about your loved one’s death, allowing people to share their condolences and tributes, and for reaching out to others for support. However, it can also attract a toxic element, people who post insensitive, cruel, or even abusive messages. You may want to limit your social media use to closed groups on platforms …rather than making public postings that can be read and commented on by anyone.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. If you’re struggling to find adequate support, turning to a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling can help. If you don’t have access to therapy, some organizations offer survivor outreach programs where you can talk one-to-one with a volunteer who’s also experienced suicide loss. See the “Get more help” section below for links.

Suicide Grief: Coping with Grief and Loss, Helpguide.org

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Resources and Support to Help Navigate Self-Blame and Guilt

Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief

These Helpful Resources for Navigating Guilt and Self-Blame in Grief offer invaluable support for parents grappling with the profound grief of losing a child to suicide. Rich in compassion and understanding, they provide personal narratives, expert insights on grief, and essential strategies for healing.

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources provides a compassionate guide to support parents through the pain of losing a child to suicide. It explores the journey of grief, the importance of support networks, and self-care during this difficult time. The guide offers suggestions for honoring a child’s memory, creating a meaningful legacy to provide solace amidst heartache.

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide

Coping with Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide is a heartfelt exploration of the overwhelming emotions that parents face after the tragic loss of a child to suicide. It delicately unravels the deep feelings of grief, guilt, and despair that can engulf those grappling with such an unimaginable sorrow. Through intimate personal stories and touching quotes, it provides a compassionate perspective that aims to comfort and support parents on their difficult healing journey.

Self-Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son

Self Blame and Guilt: I Couldn’t Save My Son is a deeply emotional narrative that explores feelings of self-blame and guilt after the loss of a son. This poignant story guides readers through the tumultuous emotions parents face, sharing the author’s deep sorrow and questioning what could have been done differently. It emphasizes the need for support and understanding during the arduous healing journey.

“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief

“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”: Poem on Guilt in Grief is a powerful poem that reflects the overwhelming “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” guilt parents experience after losing a child to suicide. The poetic language directly addresses the haunting “What If?” and “Why Didn’t I See?” questions that plague those left behind, emphasizing the helplessness and regret that linger after such a tragic loss. The poem serves as a conduit for healing and self-forgiveness, exploring the possibility of moving beyond guilt and embracing acceptance, allowing love to shine through even the darkest of times.

Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling”

Haunted by Guilt in Grief Poem: “Still from Sky I’m Falling” is a poignant poem that captures the intense emotions of grief and guilt after losing a child to suicide. The verses convey heartbreak and the struggle to find solace, using nature as a symbol for the grief journey. Vivid imagery of hawks circling above parallels feelings of despair, evoking a sense of helplessness in processing pain. Every line resonates with the weight of memories and the ache of loss, inviting readers to reflect on their own experiences with grief.

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Healing Words: Download 3 Compassionate Poems for Coping with the Loss of a Child

The Strong Bond Between Visual Art and Poetry

The poems and photos in Healing Poems for Grieving Parents of Suicide Loss, My Forever Son beautifully capture the strong bond between visual art and poetry, offering readers a powerful and touching experience.

The introduction to the book, Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide, along with the resources for support, hope, and healing, provides helpful insights and paths for those looking to explore these difficult emotions further.

Understanding Suicide: Insights on Guilt, Self-Blame, and Forgiveness

Key Resources for Understanding Suicide

Compassionate Guidance for Navigating Loss

These key resources for understanding suicide and coping with grief provide compassionate guidance for readers as they navigate the challenging landscape of loss. In particular, the “Rain Comes to Heal Us All” Poem: Finding Hope After Loss, offers solace and a new perspective. The journey of coping often means confronting feelings of stigma, guilt, and isolation, intermixed with a complex array of emotions, ranging from anger to relief.

Research compassionately underscores that suicide is not a conscious choice, emphasizing the importance of a non-judgmental approach to emotional healing. Engaging with support groups and educational materials can be a source of empowerment for survivors, nurturing community connections and facilitating a path toward healing and hope.

Included are the author’s personal story of losing her child, resources for emotional support, professional insights on suicide’s complexities, discussions on the duration of grief, and a selection of helpful resources for bereaved parents.

Healing After Suicide: Essential Books for Parents

Healing After Suicide: Essential Books for Parents is a comprehensive resource for parents grieving the loss of a child to suicide. The book offers a curated list of books, including practical guides, narratives, poetry, and novels, providing support and understanding for those navigating grief. The author, Beth Brown, shares her personal journey of loss and healing, emphasizing the importance of support groups and educational materials in the grieving process.

Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice

Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice presents a heartfelt exploration of the complex and deeply emotional subject of suicide. The piece invites readers to reflect on the harrowing question of whether suicide can truly be seen as a choice. Insights from Dr. John Ackerman, a prominent suicide epidemiologist at Nationwide Children’s Hospital, shed light on this critical issue.

Dr. Ackerman emphasizes the often-overlooked factors that contribute to suicidal thoughts, stating, “We often underestimate the multitude of factors that impact such a complex and irreversible outcome as suicide. Individuals grappling with the profound emotional turmoil that gives rise to suicidal thoughts typically do not wish to end their lives; they are, instead, yearning for relief from the immense pain often exacerbated by the absence of supportive resources and understanding.”

This poignant examination not only raises awareness but also fosters empathy and understanding, making it a must-read for anyone seeking to support loved ones in need.

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide: Support, Resources, and Self-Care for Bereaved Parents

Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide, Support, Resources, and Self-Care for Bereaved Parents offers a comprehensive list of resources and support for individuals grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide. It includes personal insights, professional perspectives, and a curated selection of books and support groups. The author, Beth Brown, shares her own experience of losing her son to suicide and emphasizes the importance of seeking help and understanding.

Surviving Suicide Grief: Does the Pain Ever End?

Surviving Suicide Grief: Does the Pain Ever End? offers a compassionate look at and attempts to response to one of the most profound challenges of longterm grief after suicide loss: Does the pain of losing a child to suicide is profound and never fully goes away, but it does change and become a part of one’s life. Finding support through counseling, support groups, and connecting with others who have experienced similar losses is crucial for healing. Grief is a journey with seasons that come and go, and it is possible to learn to live with the pain while honoring the love for the lost child.

To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to be here and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain does change, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoy life again. It will never be like before but the crushing, all consuming pain you feel right now will soften. You will be able to live with it. It just becomes part of you.

A parent who lost their child to suicide

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Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched”

Understanding the Pain of Suicide Loss: “When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched” features Ronald Rolheiser’s writings on suicide which offer a compassionate and spiritual perspective, emphasizing that suicide is often a tragic consequence of mental illness, not a voluntary act. He encourages loved ones to release guilt and second-guessing, understanding that they are not responsible for the person’s death. Rolheiser also highlights the importance of remembering the deceased’s life beyond their suicide, trusting in God’s infinite love and understanding.

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Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters

Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters explores the pain and grief surrounding suicide, emphasizing that it is not a conscious choice but a desperate attempt to escape unbearable suffering. The article highlights current research, personal stories, and compassionate support for those struggling with depression and mental health, aiming to break the stigma surrounding suicide. It provides resources and insights into the complexities of grief and the journey towards healing.

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The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief

The Backstory to My Forever Son: A Mother’s Grief, recounts the author’s harrowing experience of losing her son to suicide. Her story highlights her grief, guilt, and the healing power of writing. The blog “My Forever Son” came about as a way for the author to work through this devastating grief that follows the loss of a child to suicide. My Forever Son blog serves as a platform for sharing experiences and finding healing and solace in community.

Deep Insights on the Challenges of Grief

Discover thought-provoking articles from My Forever Son blog that delve into the profound intricacies of understanding the unique aspects of suicide grief, particularly in connection with the devastating loss of a child to suicide. These articles offer invaluable insights into the emotional turmoil and complex feelings that arise in the wake of such an unimaginable tragedy. By exploring personal stories, expert opinions, and coping strategies, the blog aims to provide a compassionate space for parents and loved ones navigating their grief.

Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief

Understanding the Unique Aspects of Suicide Grief is a beautifully written and profoundly personal piece that gently explores the unique hurdles of dealing with the grief that follows a suicide. The author shares her heartfelt emotional journey, illustrating how deeply grief has woven itself into the fabric of her life. By incorporating personal stories, expert insights, and supportive resources, this post not only provides authenticity but also offers a comforting hand to those who may be navigating similar paths of loss and sorrow.

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources

Navigating Grief After Losing a Child to Suicide: Essential Resources offers a deeply heartfelt and personal journey of a mother grappling with the unimaginable heartache of losing her son to suicide. Through her candid reflections and poignant stories, she extends not only profound insights but also a comforting sense of solidarity for those who may be navigating similar heart-wrenching experiences. Her narrative dives into the complexities of grief—covering the overwhelming emotions of sorrow, anger, and confusion that often accompany such a devastating loss. Alongside her raw and honest accounts, she shares valuable coping strategies and highlights the importance of community support, encouraging other bereaved parents to find solace in shared experiences.

Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters

Understanding Suicide: Why the Pain Matters offers a heartfelt exploration of the intricate issues surrounding suicide. It sheds light on crucial facts, common misconceptions, and important statistics that are often overlooked in public discourse. Compassionate videos that draw on personal stories and expert insights are featured. This is an excellent resource for understanding suicide, which is neither a “choice” nor “selfish.”

Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice

Understanding Suicide: It’s Not a Choice is a compassionate article that explores the concept of “choice” in the heartbreaking context of a child’s suicide. It emphasizes the complexity of suicide, reminding us that various factors, such as mental health issues and social pressures, contribute to this devastating outcome. The piece encourages readers to recognize the importance of empathy and support for affected families while challenging societal misconceptions surrounding suicide. Through expert insights, it serves as a vital resource for those grieving or seeking to understand the influences behind such a loss, advocating for awareness and open dialogues on mental health among children and adolescents.

When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand”

When Love Isn’t Enough: “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand” is a poignant exploration of the complexities surrounding the topic of suicide, intricately challenging the prevalent notion that suicide is simply a choice made by individuals in despair. Beth Brown, the author of the powerful treatise, “Ode to Suicide: That We Might Understand,” delves deep into the emotional and psychological dimensions of this tragic phenomenon, emphasizing the inevitability of death for all, regardless of the circumstances or causes that may lead one to that final resolution. Her poetic reflections and deep discussions including current research on understanding suicide converge to illustrate why and When Love is Not Enough.

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The Burden of Guilt in Grieving Suicide Loss

Guilt after losing a child to suicide means questioning everything:

• What you did–or did not do;
• What you did–or did not say;
• What you could have, should have, would have done if only you had known.

In what seems a senseless loss

In what seems a senseless death, a child’s suicide leaves in its wake a multitude of guilt. “If only,” coupled with feeling responsible for not keeping your child safe, compounds grief after suicide loss. Complicated grief (See Suicide Grief: Prolonged Grief Disorder?) is common for parents who lose a child to suicide:

If there were previous suicide attempts, the parents might wonder, did I find the right provider? Did we make mistakes with treatment? Were we doing enough? And if [a child’s suicide] seemingly comes out of the blue, or the parent finds out there was bullying in school or social media or in relationships, they might think, how did I not know this?

Caren Chesler, “After child’s suicide, parents can be engulfed in self-blame and guilt
The what-ifs, I should’ves and if onlys can be overwhelming,” The Washington Post, July 15, 2023

I have written extensively about feeling remorse, guilt, and blame after a child’s suicide. You can read more here: Guilt After Losing a Child to Suicide which explores the overwhelming emotions and hurdles parents face after such a loss. It offers understanding, support, and guidance, including strategies for embracing grief, seeking support, and honoring the child’s memory. The article emphasizes that guilt is common but not the parent’s fault, and encourages a dialogue around mental health and community support.

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Related Posts

Suicide is Not a Choice: Surviving Your Child’s Suicide points to powerful research that affirms what public perception can gloss by: Suicide is not a choice. Nationwide Children’s Hospital has a blog and research and guidance from suicide epidemiologists that is helpful for parents who lose a young child.

When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched is both my experience with my son’s depression, suicide, and consequential guilt as a parent, and it is an extraordinarily touching blog post from Ronald Rolheiser. Rolheiser, a Catholic priest, uses a point of view from a religious standpoint. Rolheiser writes compassionately and at length about suicide loss, grief, and guilt.

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We Want to Think We Could Have Saved Them

As parents, we want to think that we could have saved our child

“As a parent, we want to think that we could have saved them, we could have protected them, it could have turned out different. And there’s no answer to that. And I think that’s part of the torture of when you have a child die by suicide is you just don’t know,” said Christina Liparini, a licensed psychologist and volunteer at Good Grief, a nonprofit group that serves families that have experienced the death of a parent or child.

After child’s suicide, parents can be engulfed in self-blame and guilt
The what-ifs, I should’ves and if onlys can be overwhelming
By Caren Chesler
July 15, 2023 at 8:00 a.m. EDT

Guilt in Grief Is Heavy

All death unsettles us, but suicide… brings with it an ache, a chaos, a darkness, and a stigma that has to be experienced to be believed.

Ronald Rolheiser, “Bruised and Wounded: Understanding Suicide”

…we should not torture ourselves with second-guessing when we lose a loved one to suicide: “What might I have done? Where did I let this person down? If only I had been there? What if …?” It can be natural to be haunted with the thought, “if only I’d been there at the right time.” Rarely would this have made a difference. Indeed, most of the time, we weren’t there for the exact reason that the person who fell victim to this disease did not want us to be there. He or she picked the moment, the spot, and the means precisely so that we wouldn’t be there. Perhaps it’s more accurate to say that suicide is a disease that picks its victim precisely in such a way so as to exclude others and their attentiveness. This is not an excuse for insensitivity, especially towards those suffering from dangerous depression, but it should be a healthy check against false guilt and fruitless second-guessing.

We’re human beings, not God. People die of illness and accidents all the time and sometimes all the love and attentiveness in the world cannot prevent a loved one from dying. Love, for all its power, is sometimes powerless before a terminal illness.

Ronald Rolheiser, “Bruised and Wounded: Understanding Suicide”

Guilt in grief after losing a child to suicide is impossible. Heavy. Weighted. Leaden. Like it will never end. We search for an answer that never comes:

• Why? Why suicide?
• What did I miss?
• Why suicide, why?

A 2020 study of 575 bereaved parents, most of whom had lost a child to suicide, all said they had feelings of “blameworthiness associated with grief difficulties, complicated grief, PTSD, depression and other mental health difficulties.”

National Library of Medicine, Feelings of Blameworthiness and Their Associations With the Grieving Process in Suicide Mourning

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Moving Beyond the Question: “Why?”

Questioning Why Suicide, Why?

When you lose someone to suicide, one question can run over and over in your mind more than any other: “Why did they do it?” Unless the person had been battling a terminal illness and chose suicide as a way of hastening the end, for example, most answers you come up with may feel inadequate. Suicide is very complex. There tend to be many different contributing factors, and rarely any neat, simplistic explanations. Even those who’ve attempted suicide and survived often struggle to provide a clear answer to the question “Why?”

Most people who die by suicide have a mental or emotional health problem such as depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD, even though less than half have previously been diagnosed. Relationship problems, substance abuse, physical health issues, bullying, legal difficulties, and financial stress can also be major contributors.

Even if your loved one left a suicide note, that may not provide the answers you’re looking for. Someone who is suicidal has a skewed view of what’s happening to them. They are in so much pain the only way they can see to escape that pain is by taking their own life. They’re not thinking of the devastating effects their actions will have on you, they’re just trying to escape the unbearable pain they’re experiencing. Most wish for an alternative way to end their suffering, but are so blinded by negative emotions they can see no other solution.

While trying to understand everything you can about your loved one’s suicide is a normal part of the grieving process, it’s likely that you’ll be left with questions that can never be answered. Even if you do uncover all the answers, it won’t change the past or ease the grief and loss you’re experiencing. In time, however, it is possible to move beyond the question “Why?”, accept the unknowable, and start to heal.

Helpguide.org, Suicide Grief: Coping with a Loved One’s Suicide

Guilt: The Feeling of Wrongdoing and Failure

Guilt is the feeling of having done something wrong, or of having failed in some way. It is important to realise that guilt may be experienced even where there is no fault at all. It is not something that is logical and rational and, as a result, can be difficult to manage

Support After Suicide

Guilt may be experienced even where there is no fault at all

Guilt is the feeling of having done something wrong, or of having failed in some way. It is important to realise that guilt may be experienced even where there is no fault at all. It is not something that is logical and rational and, as a result, can be difficult to manage.

As the reasons for feeling guilt are complex, it can be very difficult to let go of the belief that we are at fault in some way. Guilt tends not to feel like a thought or a feeling, but we tend to experience it very powerfully as a fact; it is ‘true’. Yet, most of the time it is not. Sometimes though, no matter how many times it is said, we cannot be convinced that a loved one’s death was not our fault.

Guilt is an experience that can benefit from professional support to work through; consider contacting one of the services listed below.

Why do I feel guilty?

Guilt can develop from a need to make sense of the loss of a loved one. When life events are catastrophic, traumatic and overwhelming our mind searches for an explanation and an understanding of what has happened. We want to ensure that something like this can never happen again. One of the explanations is that we caused it, that it is our fault.

We find ways to make the world more controllable and less frightening.

In this way, guilt acts to protect from frightening and uncontrollable experiences. However, it is important to  be aware that it does not mean we are responsible for or caused what has happened.

No single event or interaction brings about a suicide. It is a complex behaviour which has multiple contributing factors.

It is also true to say, that when we love someone, whether as a parent, partner, sibling or friend, we feel responsible for them. We tend to believe that if we care for someone, we will be able protect them. It is painful to realise that there are limits to our capacity to protect those we love.

The experience of guilt

A few of the other reasons that people experience guilt are listed below:

• a sense you are grieving ‘wrongly’ or ‘not enough’
• the difficulty in acknowledging that all emotions, even those like anger, towards the loved one are reasonable
• the sense that the death might not have happened if something had been said and done or not said and done
• a feeling of failure; that the person was let down in some way
• surviving beyond a loved one
• keeping information secret from others
• an idea that the loss is a result of past misdeeds
• a parent’s ‘job’ is to keep their children safe.

Feelings of guilt can occur regardless of the situation. They are normal and, with help, can be managed.

Ways of managing guilt

It is helpful to acknowledge that experiencing guilt is a normal part of the suicide bereavement process. Some ideas for responding to guilt are listed here:

• realise that you were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time
• try to focus on the positives from the relationship with your loved one. Write down examples of the caring and comfort and the happy moments that have been shared
• if other people are saying unhelpful things, take time to plan and perhaps write down things to respond with the next time. For example, “I understand things were out of my hands, but I am still feeling some guilt right now that needs to be worked through,” or, “I feel guilty enough about this already. If I was aware things were that bad I would have done things differently”
• when experiencing recurring strong guilty thoughts try raising a hand and say aloud “stop”. This should be loud enough to become slightly startled. Over time this should make the thoughts less strong and less frequent
• have a mental break. Decide on a week where there will be no guilty thoughts and make an effort throughout this week to stop guilty thoughts. When guilty thoughts or negative thinking arise say out loud “It’s okay. This week I’m putting aside my guilt. I’m just going to let it go”
• try to reduce or eliminate any sign of punishing behaviour towards yourself or others
• imagine what you would say to someone else, a friend or family member, if they were in your situation
• create something that will capture memories such as a scrap book, audio and video tapes or a series of stories

It is important not to go through this experience alone. Grief is hard enough by itself and a strong sense of guilt complicates matters a great deal. It is often helpful to seek some kind of support and assistance before the negative and destructive thinking patterns become entrenched.

Support After Suicide

Professional Resources

Online Directory for Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress

After A Suicide Resource Directory: Coping with Grief, Trauma, and Distress
http://www.personalgriefcoach.net
This online directory links people who are grieving after a suicide death to resources and information.

Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors
http://www.allianceofhope.org
This organization for survivors of suicide loss provides information sheets, a blog, and a community forum through which survivors can share with each other.

Friends for Survival
http://www.friendsforsurvival.org
This organization is for suicide loss survivors and professionals who work with them. It produces a monthly newsletter and runs the Suicide Loss Helpline (1-800-646-7322). It also published Pathways to Purpose and Hope, a guide to building a community-based suicide survivor support program.

HEARTBEAT: Grief Support Following Suicide
http://heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org
This organization has chapters providing support groups for survivors of suicide loss in Colorado and some other states. Its website provides information sheets for survivors and a leader’s guide on how to start a new chapter of HEARTBEAT.

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Resources and Support Groups

Parents of Suicides and Friends & Families of Suicides (POS-FFOS)
http://www.pos-ffos.com
This website provides a public message board called Suicide Grief Support Forum, a listserv for parents, a separate listserv for others, and an online chat room for survivors of suicide loss.

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)
https://www.taps.org/suicide
This organization provides resources and programs for people grieving the loss of a loved one who died while serving in the U.S. armed forces or as a result of their service. It has special resources and programs for suicide loss survivors.

United Survivors
https://unitesurvivors.org/
This organization is a place where people who have experienced suicide loss, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts and feelings, and their friends and families, can connect to use their lived experience to advocate for policy, systems, and cultural change.

Professional Organizations

American Association of Suicidology
suicidology.org • (202) 237-2280
Promotes public awareness, education and training for professionals, and sponsors an annual Healing After Suicide conference for suicide loss survivors. In addition to the conference, they offer a coping with suicide grief handbook by Jeffrey Jackson. This booklet is also available in Spanish.

The Compassionate Friends
compassionatefriends.org • (877) 969-0010
Offers resources for families after the death of a child. They sponsor support groups, newsletters and online support groups throughout the country, as well as an annual national conference for bereaved families.

The Dougy Center
The National Center for Grieving Children & Families
dougy.org • (503) 775-5683
Publishes extensive resources for helping children and teens who are grieving a death including death by suicide. Resources include the “Children, Teens and Suicide Loss” booklet created in partnership with AFSP. This booklet is also available in Spanish.

Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
thelink.org/nrc-for-suicide-prevention-aftercar • 404-256-2919
Dedicated to reaching out to those whose lives have been impacted by suicide and connecting them to available resources.

Tragedy Assistance Programs for Survivors (TAPS)
taps.org/suicide • (800) 959-TAPS (8277)
Provides comfort, care and resources to all those grieving the death of a military loved one through a national peer support network and connection to grief resources, all at no cost to surviving families and loved ones.

LOSS
losscs.org
Offers support groups, remembrance events, companioning, suicide postvention and prevention education, and training to other communities interested in developing or enhancing their suicide postvention and prevention efforts.

Online resources

Alliance of Hope
allianceofhope.org
Provides a 24/7 online forum for suicide loss survivors.

Help Guide
helpguide.org
Provides resources and tips for how to navigate the loss of someone to suicide.

Parents of Suicides (POS) – Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS)
pos-ffos.com
An internet community to connect parents, friends, and family that have lost someone to suicide.

SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
save.org/programs/suicide-loss-support • (952) 946-7998
Hosts resources for suicide loss survivor including a support group database, newsletter, survivor conference and the Named Memorial Program, which offers a special way to honor your loved one.

Siblings Survivors of Suicide Loss
siblingsurvivors.com
Provides resources and a platform to connect with others that have lost a sibling to suicide.

Finding professional care and support

Find a mental health provider

• afsp.org/FindAMentalHealthProfessional
• findtreatment.samhsa.gov
• mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help
• inclusivetherapists.com
• afsp.org/suicide-bereavement-trained-clinicians

Find a provider for prolonged grief

• prolongedgrief.columbia.edu

Find additional resources for marginalized communities

• afsp.org/mental-health-resources-for-marginalized-communities

Crisis Services

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
988lifeline.org
Call or text 988 (press 1 for Veterans, 2 for Spanish, 3 for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults) or chat 988lifeline.org
A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With crisis centers across the country, their mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.

Crisis Text Line
crisistextline.org
Text TALK to 741-741 for English
Text AYUDA to 741-741 for Spanish
Provides free, text-based mental health support and crisis intervention by empowering a community of trained volunteers to support people in their moments of need, 24/7.

Parents of Suicides: An Online Support Group for Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide

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Parents of Suicides is a dedicated international online closed email group where parents who have lost a child to suicide come together to offer support, hope, and healing. Join a Community of Understanding. Parents of Suicides (PoS) provides a safe space for sharing experiences, coping mechanisms, and emotional support. You are not alone in this journey. Together, we can find strength and solace.

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Support and Resources for Grieving Parents of Suicide Loss

Support Groups

• Alliance for Hope for suicide loss survivors – https://forum.allianceofhope.org/forums/-/list
• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention – https://afsp.org/find-a-support-group
• American Society of Suicidology – https://suicidology.org/resources/suicide-loss-survivors/
• British Columbia Bereavement Helpline, Suicide Grief Support – https://bcbh.ca/grief-support/suicide-grief-support/
• Coalition of Clinician-Survivors – https://www.cliniciansurvivor.org/# 
• Community Support After Suicide (Peachtree Comprehensive Health) – https://www.pchprofessionals.com/community-support-after-suicide  
• Compassionate Friends Loss to Suicide group – https://www.facebook.com/groups/tcflosstosuicide
• Emotions Matter Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Loss Group – https://emotionsmatterbpd.org/bpd-loss-group (note that not all losses are suicide, though many are. All losses have a connection to BPD.)
• Friends and Families of Suicide (FFOS) – https://www.pos-ffos.com/groups/ffos.htm
• Friends for Survival – https://friendsforsurvival.org/
• Heartbeat: Grief Support Following Suicide – https://www.heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org/services
• Helping Parents Heal: Special Interest Group -Moving Forward After Suicide – https://www.helpingparentsheal.org/affiliate-groups/special-interest-groups/ (note that Helping Parents Heal “goes a step beyond other groups by allowing the open discussion of spiritual experiences and afterlife evidence—in a non-dogmatic way.  HPH affiliate groups welcome everyone regardless of religious or non-religious background and encourage open dialog.”)
• Long Island Survivors of Suicide – https://lisos.org/ 
• The Lounge – https://www.workingonmygrief.com/about-4 
• Parents of Suicide (POS) – https://www.pos-ffos.com/groups/pos.htm
• Sail to Heal – https://www.sail2heal.org/ 
• Smile through the Storms – https://www.smilethroughthestorms.com/ 
• Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE) – https://save.org/save-support-groups/
• Working on My Grief  – https://www.workingonmygrief.com/ 

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Books for Understanding Suicide And Mental Health

An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
Kay Redfield Jamison, Ph.D., Alfred A. Knopf, 1995. In this memoir, an international authority on Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder describes her own struggle since adolescence with the disorder, and how it has shaped her life.

Darkness Visible
William Styron, Random House, 1990. A powerful and moving first-hand account of what depression feels like to the sufferer.

Devastating Losses: How Parents Cope with the Death of a Child to Suicide or Drugs
William Feigelman, Ph.D., John Jordan, Ph.D., John McIntosh, Ph.D., Beverly Feigelman, LCSW, Springer Publishing, 2012. This book provides useful avenues for future research on suicide loss and offers new insights into the grief process that follows the death of a child, both in the short term and years after a loss.  Please note that, given its academic tone, the book is better suited to clinicians and educators than to recently bereaved lay readers.

Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide
Kay Redfield Jamison, Ph.D., Alfred A. Knopf, 1999. Kay Redfield Jamison’s in-depth psychological and scientific exploration of suicide traces the network of reasons underlying suicide, including the factors that interact to cause suicide, and outlines the evolving treatments available through modern medicine.

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression
Andrew Solomon, Scribner, 2001.Winner of the National Book Award, this book shares the author’s story of chronic depression, and places depression in a broader social context.

Why People Die by Suicide
Thomas Joiner, Ph.D., Harvard University Press, 2005.
Drawing on extensive clinical and epidemiological evidence, as well as personal experience, the author, who lost his father to suicide, identifies three factors that mark those most at risk of considering, attempting, or dying by suicide.

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Recommended Reading

Book Recommendation: ‘A Handbook for Coping with Suicide Grief’ by Jeffrey Jackson, providing support for survivors of suicide loss, My Forever Son

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Books

• Beal, Karyl Chastain (2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018). Faces of Suicide, Volumes One to Five.
• Brown, Beth (2023) Bury My Heart: 19 Poems for Grief and Healing After Losing a Child to Suicide
• Cacciatore, Joanne (2017). Bearing the Unbearable. Wisdom Publications.
• Clark, Ann (2020). Gone to Suicide. A mom’s truth on heartbreak, transformation and prevention. Iuniverse.
• Collins, Eileen Vorbach (2023). Love in the Archives. a patchwork of true stories about suicide loss. Apprentice House Press.
• Cross, Tracey (2013). Suicide among gifted children and adolescents. Understanding the suicidal mind. Prufrock Press.
• Dougy Center, The (2001). After a Suicide: An Activity Book for Grieving Kids. Dougy Center.
• Estes, Clarissa Pinkola (1988). The Faithful Gardener. HarperCollinsSanFrancisco.
• Fine, Carla (1997). No Time to Say Goodbye. Surviving the suicide of a loved one. Broadway Books.
• Heilmann, Lena M.Q. (2019). Still with Us. Voices of Sibling Suicide Loss Survivors. BDI Publishers.
• Hickman, Martha Whitmore (1994). Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief. William Morrow Paperbacks
• Jamison, Kay Redfield (2000). Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. Vintage.
• Johnson, Julie Tallard (1994). Hidden Victims, Hidden Healers. An eight-stage healing process for families and friends of the mentally ill. Pema Publications.
• Joiner, Thomas (2005). Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press
• Joiner, Thomas (2010). Myths About Suicide. Harvard University Press.
• Kushner, Harold S. (2004). When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Anchor Books
• O’Connor, Mary-Francis (2022). The Grieving Brain. HarperOne.
• Rasmussen, Christina (2019). Second Firsts. Hay House Inc.
• Shapiro, Larry (2020). Brain Pain. Giving insight to children who have lost a family member or a loved one to suicide. Safe Haven Books.
• Wickersham, Julie (2009). The Suicide Index: Putting My Father’s Death in Order. Mariner Books.

Therapies

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral
• Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) – https://dbt-lbc.org/index.php
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) – https://www.emdria.org/
• Prolonged Exposure (PE) – https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/prolonged-exposure 

Memorial Sites

• Faces of Suicide – memorial site for those who died by suicide –  https://www.facesofsuicide.com/
• Suicide Memorial Wall – tribute site for those who died by suicide – https://www.suicidememorialwall.com/

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If you experience intense or unrelenting anguish or physical problems, ask your doctor or mental health provider for help. Seeking professional/sub help is especially important if you think you might be depressed or you have recurring thoughts of suicide. Unresolved grief can turn into complicated grief, where painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble resuming your own life.

If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, get help right away. In the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or use the Lifeline Chat. Veterans or service members can call 988 and then press “1,” or text 838355, or chat online. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline has a Spanish language phone line at 1-888-628-9454 (toll-free)