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Coping with suicide Grief Hope Parents Who Have Lost a Child to Suicide Suicide loss

Rising Up–Because Love Lives Forever

Rising Up: Because Love Lives Forever

Rising Up because…

  • Love lives forever.
  • My son lives yet still.
  • I will be with Dylan again.
  • As long I live, Dylan lives too.
  • Dylan lives on through all that I am.
  • Dylan’s voice is now my own.
2 vivid yellow coneflowers reflecting sunlight
Hope, My Forever Son

Rising Up because…

  • I will not let the world forget my son lived. My memories, stories, and writing keep his life going on. I did, in the beginning of my grief, believe I was telling Dylan’s stories. I now see I am telling my own.
  • Grief has brought me to the edge of myself–that place in despair where I have screamed: “Bring it! Just Bring It!” then collapsed into tears.
  • And it’s brought me to that place where I can’t stand any more pain, where all that’s left is surrender. Not willingly. Not because my heart has healed. And not because I’ve finished grieving the loss of my son. That place where sky meets sun in the middle of a storm, that rainbow, love living with loss, loss still there but love shining too. That’s surrender.
  • I straddle love for and loss of my son. In the beginning, I could only see pain. But I’ve learned to live carrying both loving memories of Dylan and this impossible pain of devastating loss.

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

-Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

That place where sky meets sun in the middle of a storm, that rainbow, love living with loss, loss still there but love shining too. That’s surrender.

Rising Up because. . .

“To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to be
here and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain does
change, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoy
life again. It will never be like before but the crushing, all
consuming pain you feel right now will soften. You will be able to
live with it. It just becomes part of you.”

A bereaved parent who lost her son to suicide

My son, my love, my pain, my heart, all beating on inside me, an ache I’ve learned to carry which at some point these past 8 years, has become a part of me.

Beth, Dylan’s Mom, My Forever Son

“You will be able to live with [the pain]. It just becomes part of you.”

A bereaved parent
landscape sunset with water pond in foreground; quote says "You will be able to live with the pain. It just becomes part of you."

“You will be able to live with the pain. It just becomes part of you.”

Parent

Rising Up because. . .

I am having to reinvent and invent anew absolutely everything about my life now.

Because there are no templates for my way of living.

Because in the midst of great darkness, I can only live if I can learn to see.

Because I know I will see my son again when God sees fit and it is time.

Beth, Dylan’s Mom

Rising Up because. . .

I am his mom! I have always and will always love and talk about my son.
I know my son lives on–just not here on this plane, in this realm, on this earth as I so know it.
I find him yet still in so many ways. Losing Dylan has defined me.

Photograph of young man from behind-Dylan Andrew Brown, My Forever Son. My Forever Son is a blog hosted by a mother whose son died by suicide. Dylan was 20 years old.

Dylan, My Forever Son

Rising Up because. . .

I carry on carrying on because in the rising, I carry Dylan too. We are one. Always were. Always will be. And some day, some day–we will be together again.

“You will be able to live with [the pain]. It just becomes part of you.”

Categories
Child Loss Coping with Loss Coping with suicide Grief Hope and Healing Memories and Stories Parents Who Have Lost a Child to Suicide Reflections after Suicide Loss

I Want to Believe: Remembering and Healing After the Loss of My Son

Autumn Joy

I Want to Believe–

Hope Means Hold On,

Pain Ends

I Want to Believe-

–that with enough love and laughter, books and reading, friends and family, children grow up to be happy

–the stage is set early for dreams to come true: Skies dazzle in brilliant blue, clouds drift idly, stretches of pastures and woodlands lend serenity

-all families stick together–even when dads leave, even when the crazy-making stories start

–that being a child means becoming a teenager; that becoming a teenager means becoming a young adult; that becoming a young adult means launching a world of one’s own–ad infinitum to infinity and beyond

I Remember You

I Remember–

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and laughing at “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”

Power Rangers. Your blue and white, diamond-checkered costume, replete with Power Ranger sword, jumping from the top stair and my catching you just in time

Froggie and Small Pig, Henry and Mudge, the Rugrats and Charlie Brown, school classroom parties with Halloween costumes and all that candy (chocolate always was your favorite)

Sitting in the car and crying after I took you to kindergarten for the first time (I had to let go–I still don’t want to let go)

And I Remember-

Friday night football games watching you play alto saxophone in marching band

Making 5-layer Mexican Dip from scratch, the food processor whirring with avocados you halved

I remember pepperoni pizzas (times many for all your friends), and new sneakers (Nikes) for puppy dog feet.

I remember academic scholarships and high school graduation robes and the gully in the pit of my stomach when I had to take you to college.

I remember butterscotch sundaes after band concerts and stage fright at your first piano recital.

I remember when you told me you hadn’t felt happy in at least 7 years. You were only 18.

I remember when you told me you hadn’t felt happy in at least 7 years-

You were only 18

I Want to Believe-

that pain in childhood can be eased and healed with love

I’d Like to Believe-

that the Easter Bunny always delivers chocolate cream eggs filled with peanut butter

I’d like to believe that what’s broken in teenagers can be fixed by growing up.

I’d like to believe that what’s broken in teenagers can be fixed by growing up

If I Could Have

If I could have stopped the trajectory Dylan was on, would my life be different now? I’d certainly like to think so. Such a beautiful start, forever ruptured by where, in reaching for stars, my son fell from sky.

And now? Now it is I who hurl forward on this trajectory set in motion 9 years, 4 months, and 3 days ago. Eclipsed. Lacking permanence of sun. Shadows cast fallen amidst sliver of sky.

And in a world spinning madly, I cling to this one still, small hope-that I will see you again.

When I get to see you again

I will hold on

I will clutch you

I will never let you go

“Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon”

In reaching for stars, my son fell from sky

Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon

And once upon a blue-sky moon,
We sailed our ships in your bedroom,
With stars for light, we fled the dark
But the lightening flashed, 
And the sky grew dark.

You tucked away your childhood dreams
On wings that soared beyond infinity,
Your love in me and me in you,
But out of reach, beyond what I could do.

I launched your dreams
You took great flight
On wings alone you soared too high
But you found ways to onward flee
To galaxies beyond my means.

I watched you drift through hazy sky
And chalked it up to a teenage angst,
But oh my son, if I’d only known
I’d have reached right in to your dark night’s soul--

 I would have held on
 I would have clutched you
 I would have never let you go
 But you Told me 
“Mom I love you”
 Oh my child if I’d only known.

So I kissed you and I held you,
And I said goodbye,
Not knowing, blue-star moon,
I would lose you that night.

You lived, you breathed, alive in pain
Through storm-dark nights and cloudy haze
But I didn’t know what I couldn’t see
The damage done beyond my means.

My sky is dark, my nights deep blue
My winter’s come, my star’s with you,
Without you here I cannot fly
My wings you clipped 
When you took your life.

And I live on and onward flee
Towards you my son and to infinity,
Where dreams come true and you live on,
And we fly again around planets and sun

With stars that glow against the moon,
Your love in me and me in you.

I will hold you, 
You will clutch me
We will never let go,
And you’ll tell me, 
“Mom, I love you”
And tears from earth will overflow,
And I’ll know then, blue sky-moon,
To never ever let you go.

© Beth Brown, 2021 
 All rights reserved
  

I Will See You Again

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