What Happened?

Dylan, My Forever Son

He Left Too Soon-A Poem about Losing a Child to Suicide

He Left Too Soon

He left too soon, lifting life from June, 
Casting torrents of rain,
and in his absence, heaving beating of tears.

I knew him from his first breath to his last.   
He came a month early on cusp of spring,
March awakening, still so much heavy winter 
my little one in such a hurry to be born. 

Breaking loose, all hell, earth's upturned rupture, 
Death's shadow glaring over me   
As I lay flowers on his grave, Beloved Son.

Inscribed and bronzed, a permanence come to stay,  
An ache I don't want--my love laced in pain 
As I stand over my son's grave 
Casting death to walk in my shadow.

© Beth Brown, 2021

My Forever Son-Mother’s Day, A Last Farewell

A Last Farewell Mother's Day card in bright orange stating "I'll Love You Forever Mom, Love, Dylan" Card states "I'll Love You Forever. . .and I can't imagine a time when I won't." A photograph from My Forever Son
I‘ll love you forever mom, Love, Dylan
Mother’s Day, “I’ll Love You Forever. . .and I can’t imagine a time when I won’t.”

Love Lives Forever

Yesterday, I found a Mother’s Day card from 2012.  Dylan would be dead within a month a couple of weeks post Mother’s Day. It is bright orange, Dylan’s favorite color as a child, and it is beautiful. I wasn’t looking for the card, and it kind of just appeared. I saw it sticking out of a pile of other cards and things I’ve been intending to sort, organize, and put in a keepsake box.

The card says “mom, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t need your love and support. . .and I can’t imagine a time when I won’t. Happy Mother’s Day With Love” and Dylan signed it “I’ll love you forever mom. Love Dylan.”

That did me in. It’s now on my desk beside me, propped open to the “I’ll love you forever mom, Love, Dylan”

He knew, he just couldn’t tell me. I love him so much still, always, forever. Love doesn’t die. It is only this interim between now and when I get to see him again that brings ache and sadness and a constant heavy heart.

Orange Always Was His Favorite Colour

And Now just this,

orange always his favorite color,

his last Mother’s Day card to me.

And then June.  

“He left too Soon”

 All Giggles and Squeals

Author of My Forever Son, Beth Brown, and her son, Dylan, photographed on Dylan's first birthday. Both Dylan and Beth are sitting on floor and there is a cake with 1 candle.
Dylan on His First Birthday

From Stride Rites to Gray Nikes

Giggles and squeals and all that blond hair. Little white leather Stride Rite shoes, worn and scuffed because you wanted to see and do so much.

I have your first pair of shoes, little one, one-and I have your last pair of shoes. Gray Nikes. Size 11, puppy feet on a young man still, yet, and always a teenager. And so in these shoes, in little baby feet, I measured steps-counting-always, your number of days here. Oh little one, where did time go?

Dylan, My Forever Son, Lullaby to My Son “My Child on Earth Above in Heaven’s Care

How Long Has It Been?

When I started this blog My Forever Son, I was approaching Dylan’s third year memorial date. (As I write now, it has been nearly 10 years since I lost Dylan.)

I’ve accumulated many resources, messages of hope, helpful support, the list goes on and on, and it is my intent here to share healing and hope with anyone who has lost a child, be it to suicide or any other cause, and to all who knew and loved Dylan.

I am coming up on June 25th quickly. It will be my third year of grieving, healing, learning how to keep on keeping on, struggling to surface, learning how to live now, as is, as now, in the wake of having lost God’s greatest and most precious and beloved gift to me. I am devastated, always, even when I seem “okay,” even though I’ve learned to smile again, sometimes, even though I can now laugh and remember good memories, sometimes.

A photograph of Dylan Brown, My Forever Son. Young man, 18 years young, wearing an Ibanez guitar t-shirt leaning on a railing.
Dylan, 18 Years Young, My Forever Son

Losing a child to suicide is impossible

It is an impossible grief journey, and it takes an impossible manifestation of courage, strength, hope, and perseverance to keep on keeping on, and in truth, to even want to keep on keeping on. It has taken me almost three years of intense, acute grieving to want to be here, but still, on most days, I have to consciously seek healing strategies and ways to cope.

“That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back”-A Poem About Losing a Child to Suicide

That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back  

Should've, Would've, Could've, 
If I'd only Come to See, 
That might I future forward live
To see all eternity.

That I might know when and where somehow, 
And here and now then see,
To erase the dark and stay the day
To bring back you to me.

If only and What If now child
and why couldn't I just see
To hold you close forever
and stay the light just you and me.

That darkness might not permeate
my heart now and yours then,
that all of love could sweep time back
and bring back you again. 

© Beth Brown, 2021

A photograph close up of Dylan, My Forever Son. 18 years old wearing a black hoodie and a t-shirt that says "We Never Die"
Dylan, age 18, My Forever Son

When the Depression Came

There were nearly 200 people at Dylan’s funeral on June 29th, 2012. He was much beloved, a close friend and brother to all the boys he grew up with, a gifted musician, an academic scholar, an incredibly kind and wonderful soul. He got sick with depression early on, when he was 5 years old, and in the end, just couldn’t beat this formidable adversary.

Dylan was, and will always be, my heart’s song and joy. I am forever bonded to my son, and he lives on, not just “in my heart,” but in everything I do and am. I fully expect to be reunited with Dylan again–and this time for eternity–when God sees fit and it is time.

I miss and love and adore my son. All the time. And he is always my first and last thought each day. I have learned to be busy, distracted, during my days, but whenever my mind stills, Dylan is there.

Dylan is always there.

I am Beth, Dylan’s Mom
March 19, 1992-June 25, 2012
Forever My Heart, My Wings, My Love
Till Soon, Little One, Til Soon

My Forever Son

Bittersweet Memories

Sometimes wonderful memories of Dylan seep in—but only just now, after 3 years of acute agony, pain, and the hell of grieving the loss of my only child to suicide.

Beautiful, albeit bittersweet memories come sweeping in and across the landscape of my heart and soul and body, and for a precious moment in time, I am reminded of and surrounded by all the precious love bonds between Dylan and me.

Other times, I am caught off guard in deep, deep ache and heart-wrenching pain. Tears always come, not always publicly, as I am sometimes able to make it to my car, or leave wherever I am to go home; other times, I just let the tears fall. I still sob after three years, just not as long and usually on my own, although this is not always the case.

My little white cat comes to me when I cry. She circles my feet until I pick her up, then tucks into me. Perhaps Dylan is with me still. . .

Most Beloved

More Posts about My Forever Son

Suicide is Not a Choice: Surviving Your Child’s Suicide

Suicide is Not a Choice: Surviving Your Child’s Suicide Current research absolutely supports the validity of mental illness. Current research and researchers in the mental health field know indelibly that suicide is not a choice your child makes. Beth Brown, My Forever Son Stopping the Stigma of Suicide As much as I respect and value…

Keep reading

I Want to Believe

I Want to Believe I want to believe–that with enough love and laughter, books and reading, friends and family, children grow up to be happy I want to believe–the stage is set early for dreams to come true: Skies dazzle in brilliant blue, clouds drift idly, stretches of pastures and woodlands lend serenity I want…

Keep reading

Surviving Suicide Grief: “Does the Pain Ever End?”

Surviving Suicide Grief: “Does the Pain Ever End?” The Pain Does Change “To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to be here and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain does change, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoylife again. It…

Keep reading

New Posts in Chronicles

Suicide Grief: Prolonged Grief Disorder?

Suicide Grief: Prolonged Grief Disorder? Suicide [grief] can be complicated by feelings of guilt, shame, responsibility, rejection, and stigmatization.National Library of Medicine, Grief interventions for people bereaved by suicide: A systematic review What Is Prolonged Grief Disorder? Known as complicated grief until 2022, the DSM-5 now defines complicated grief as Prolonged Grief Disorder. The latest…

Read More

I Will Love You Forever Mom

I’ll Love You Forever Mom “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” Robert Munsch, Love Your Forever Three Years Out After Losing Dylan Originally Published 2016 I Will Love You Forever Mom Memorial Dates It has been 3 years of acute agony, pain, and…

Read More

A Poem About Losing a Child: If Earth Were Sky and Sky Above

A Poem About Losing a Child: If Earth Were Sky and Sky Above If earth were sky and sky above Then heart could hold this ache of love, Suspended, like rain, in clouds wanting to fall, But bound to sun’s joy because heart touches all. I fall ‘ere so slowly most cannot yet tell My…

Read More

As I Tuck You In: A Song About Child Loss

As I Tuck You In: A Lullaby for the Child I Lost Lyrics for the Song: As I Tuck You In As I Tuck You In As I tuck you in, I lay me downAs I hold you now, I lift my armsAs I fall asleep, I pray for youMy child, my love, my heart,…

Read More


Something went wrong. Please refresh the page and/or try again.



Get new posts delivered to your inbox.





11 replies on “What Happened?”

Leave a Reply