Red, Orange, and Yellow Leaves on a Fire Bush in Fall, My Forever Son
I Want to Believe
I want to believe–that with enough love and laughter, books and reading, friends and family, children grow up to be happy
I want to believe–the stage is set early for dreams to come true: Skies dazzle in brilliant blue, clouds drift idly, stretches of pastures and woodlands lend serenity
I want to believe-all families stick together–even when dads leave, even when the crazy-making stories start
I want to believe–that being a child means becoming a teenager; that becoming a teenager means becoming a young adult; that becoming a young adult means launching a world of one’s own–ad infinitum to infinity and beyond
Fire Bush in Festive Fall Colors, My Forever Son
I Remember
I remember–Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and laughing at “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
I remember–Power Rangers. Your blue and white, diamond-checkered costume, replete with Power Ranger sword, jumping from the top stair and my catching you just in time
I remember–Froggie and Small Pig, Henry and Mudge, the Rugrats and Charlie Brown, school classroom parties with Halloween costumes and all that candy (chocolate always was your favorite)
I remember–Sitting in the car and crying after I took you to kindergarten for the first time (I had to let go–I still don’t want to let go)
Orange, Red, Yellow Leaves Scattered on Brick Sidewalk in Fall, My Forever Son
And I Remember
And I Remember–Friday night football games watching you play alto saxophone in marching band
And I Remember–Making 5-layer Mexican Dip from scratch, the food processor whirring with avocados you halved
And I Remember–I remember pepperoni pizzas (times many for all your friends), and new sneakers (Nikes) for puppy dog feet.
And I Remember–I remember academic scholarships and high school graduation robes and the gully in the pit of my stomach when I had to take you to college.
I remember–butterscotch sundaes after band concerts and stage fright at your first piano recital.
I remember– when you told me you hadn’t felt happy in at least 7 years. You were only 18.
Orange-Red Tea Rose, My Forever Son
I Want to Believe
I want to believe–that pain in childhood can be eased and healed with love
I want to believe–that the Easter Bunny always delivers chocolate cream eggs filled with peanut butter and chocolate
I want to believe–that what’s broken in teenagers can be fixed by growing up.
Yellow and Orange Chrysanthemums in Fall, My Forever Son
If I Could Have
If I could have stopped the trajectory Dylan was on, would my life be different now? I’d certainly like to think so. Such a beautiful start, forever ruptured by where, in reaching for stars, my son fell from sky.
And now? Now it is I who hurl forward on this trajectory set in motion 9 years, 4 months, and 3 days ago. Eclipsed. Lacking permanence of sun. Shadows cast fallen amidst sliver of sky.
And in a world spinning madly, I cling to this one still, small hope–that I will see you again.
When I Get to See You Again
I will hold on I will clutch you I will never let you go
Still From Sky I’m Falling: A Poem of Forgiveness After Loss ABOUT THIS POST: Still From Sky I’m Falling by Beth Brown is a poem about grief, forgiveness, and releasing guilt after losing a child to suicide. Eleven years ago, I lost my 20-year-old son, my only child, to suicide. Losing my son to suicide…
A Poem of Guilt in Grief: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back ABOUT THIS POST: That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back is a poem about feeling guilt and self-blame after losing a child to suicide. I lost my 20-year-old-son, my only child, to suicide June 25, 2012. I knew I couldn’t…
If I Could Find My Way: A Song About Losing My Son to Suicide ABOUT THIS POST: If I Could Find My Way is an intimate song I wrote about the intense longing and ache I felt after losing my son to suicide. I sat down with my guitar, hit “play” on my recorder (which…
Dealing with the Heartbreak of Losing a Child to Suicide: My Personal Journey Introduction In this heartfelt post, I share a deeply personal experience of loss and grief. This is a story that speaks to the pain of losing a child to suicide and the journey of healing and remembrance. My Forever Son, My Beloved…
Index: My Forever Son This index provides a well-structured and user-friendly way to navigate through the content in the My Forever Son blog. Think of it as a helpful guide, carefully organizing the content into headings, subheadings, keywords, and brief descriptions. With this index, you can quickly and efficiently find exactly what you’re looking for.…
[…] about depression-personal stories and reflections […]
Loading...
[…] “I Want to Believe: Remembering and Healing After the Loss of My Son to Suicide,” My Forever Son […]
Loading...
[…] friends knew more about him than I did. Years disguised as teenage angst. If only I had known. . . I want to believe that what’s broken in teenagers can be fixed by growing up-but you were only […]
Loading...
[…] Burning Bush in Fall, My Forever Son […]
Loading...
[…] The Compassionate Friends, Surviving Your Child’s Suicide Coping with Regret and Guilt After Your Child’s Death by Suicide: “I Want to Believ… […]
7 replies on “I Want to Believe”
[…] about depression-personal stories and reflections […]
[…] “I Want to Believe: Remembering and Healing After the Loss of My Son to Suicide,” My Forever Son […]
[…] friends knew more about him than I did. Years disguised as teenage angst. If only I had known. . . I want to believe that what’s broken in teenagers can be fixed by growing up-but you were only […]
[…] Burning Bush in Fall, My Forever Son […]
[…] The Compassionate Friends, Surviving Your Child’s Suicide Coping with Regret and Guilt After Your Child’s Death by Suicide: “I Want to Believ… […]
[…] My Forever Son […]
[…] Guilt […]