I Want to Believe
I want to believe–that with enough love and laughter, books and reading, friends and family, children grow up to be happy
I want to believe–the stage is set early for dreams to come true: Skies dazzle in brilliant blue, clouds drift idly, stretches of pastures and woodlands lend serenity
I want to believe-all families stick together–even when dads leave, even when the crazy-making stories start
I want to believe–that being a child means becoming a teenager; that becoming a teenager means becoming a young adult; that becoming a young adult means launching a world of one’s own–ad infinitum to infinity and beyond
I remember–Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and laughing at “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
I remember–Power Rangers. Your blue and white, diamond-checkered costume, replete with Power Ranger sword, jumping from the top stair and my catching you just in time
I remember–Froggie and Small Pig, Henry and Mudge, the Rugrats and Charlie Brown, school classroom parties with Halloween costumes and all that candy (chocolate always was your favorite)
I remember–Sitting in the car and crying after I took you to kindergarten for the first time (I had to let go–I still don’t want to let go)
And I Remember
And I Remember–Friday night football games watching you play alto saxophone in marching band
And I Remember–Making 5-layer Mexican Dip from scratch, the food processor whirring with avocados you halved
And I Remember–I remember pepperoni pizzas (times many for all your friends), and new sneakers (Nikes) for puppy dog feet.
And I Remember–I remember academic scholarships and high school graduation robes and the gully in the pit of my stomach when I had to take you to college.
I remember–butterscotch sundaes after band concerts and stage fright at your first piano recital.
I remember– when you told me you hadn’t felt happy in at least 7 years. You were only 18.
I Want to Believe
I want to believe–that pain in childhood can be eased and healed with love
I want to believe–that the Easter Bunny always delivers chocolate cream eggs filled with peanut butter
I want to believe–that what’s broken in teenagers can be fixed by growing up.
If I Could Have
If I could have stopped the trajectory Dylan was on, would my life be different now? I’d certainly like to think so. Such a beautiful start, forever ruptured by where, in reaching for stars, my son fell from sky.
And now? Now it is I who hurl forward on this trajectory set in motion 9 years, 4 months, and 3 days ago. Eclipsed. Lacking permanence of sun. Shadows cast fallen amidst sliver of sky.
And in a world spinning madly, I cling to this one still, small hope–that I will see you again.
When I Get to See You Again
My Forever Son, “Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon”
In reaching for stars, my son fell from sky
Once Upon a Blue-Sky Moon And once upon a blue-sky moon, We sailed our ships in your bedroom, With stars for light, we fled the dark But the lightening flashed, And the sky grew dark. You tucked away your childhood dreams On wings that soared beyond infinity, Your love in me and me in you, But out of reach, beyond what I could do. I launched your dreams You took great flight On wings alone you soared too high But you found ways to onward flee To galaxies beyond my means. I watched you drift through hazy sky And chalked it up to a teenage angst, But oh my son, if I’d only known I’d have reached right in to your dark night’s soul-- I would have held on I would have clutched you I would have never let you go But you Told me “Mom I love you” Oh my child if I’d only known. So I kissed you and I held you, And I said goodbye, Not knowing, blue-star moon, I would lose you that night. You lived, you breathed, alive in pain Through storm-dark nights and cloudy haze But I didn’t know what I couldn’t see The damage done beyond my means. My sky is dark, my nights deep blue My winter’s come, my star’s with you, Without you here I cannot fly My wings you clipped When you took your life. And I live on and onward flee Towards you my son and to infinity, Where dreams come true and you live on, And we fly again around planets and sun With stars that glow against the moon, Your love in me and me in you. I will hold you, You will clutch me We will never let go, And you’ll tell me, “Mom, I love you” And tears from earth will overflow, And I’ll know then, blue sky-moon, To never ever let you go. © Beth Brown, 2021 All rights reserved
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