Red, Orange, and Yellow Leaves on a Fire Bush in Fall, My Forever Son
I Want to Believe
I want to believe–that with enough love and laughter, books and reading, friends and family, children grow up to be happy
I want to believe–the stage is set early for dreams to come true: Skies dazzle in brilliant blue, clouds drift idly, stretches of pastures and woodlands lend serenity
I want to believe-all families stick together–even when dads leave, even when the crazy-making stories start
I want to believe–that being a child means becoming a teenager; that becoming a teenager means becoming a young adult; that becoming a young adult means launching a world of one’s own–ad infinitum to infinity and beyond
Fire Bush in Festive Fall Colors, My Forever Son
I Remember
I remember–Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and laughing at “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
I remember–Power Rangers. Your blue and white, diamond-checkered costume, replete with Power Ranger sword, jumping from the top stair and my catching you just in time
I remember–Froggie and Small Pig, Henry and Mudge, the Rugrats and Charlie Brown, school classroom parties with Halloween costumes and all that candy (chocolate always was your favorite)
I remember–Sitting in the car and crying after I took you to kindergarten for the first time (I had to let go–I still don’t want to let go)
Orange, Red, Yellow Leaves Scattered on Brick Sidewalk in Fall
And I Remember
And I Remember–Friday night football games watching you play alto saxophone in marching band
And I Remember–Making 5-layer Mexican Dip from scratch, the food processor whirring with avocados you halved
And I Remember–I remember pepperoni pizzas (times many for all your friends), and new sneakers (Nikes) for puppy dog feet.
And I Remember–I remember academic scholarships and high school graduation robes and the gully in the pit of my stomach when I had to take you to college.
I remember–butterscotch sundaes after band concerts and stage fright at your first piano recital.
I remember– when you told me you hadn’t felt happy in at least 7 years. You were only 18.
Orange-Red Tea Rose, My Forever Son
I Want to Believe
I want to believe–that pain in childhood can be eased and healed with love
I want to believe–that the Easter Bunny always delivers chocolate cream eggs filled with peanut butter
I want to believe–that what’s broken in teenagers can be fixed by growing up.
If I Could Have
If I could have stopped the trajectory Dylan was on, would my life be different now? I’d certainly like to think so. Such a beautiful start, forever ruptured by where, in reaching for stars, my son fell from sky.
And now? Now it is I who hurl forward on this trajectory set in motion 9 years, 4 months, and 3 days ago. Eclipsed. Lacking permanence of sun. Shadows cast fallen amidst sliver of sky.
And in a world spinning madly, I cling to this one still, small hope–that I will see you again.
When I Get to See You Again
I will hold on I will clutch you I will never let you go
Suicide Grief: Prolonged Grief Disorder? Suicide [grief] can be complicated by feelings of guilt, shame, responsibility, rejection, and stigmatization.National Library of Medicine, Grief interventions for people bereaved by suicide: A systematic review What Is Prolonged Grief Disorder? Known as complicated grief until 2022, the DSM-5 now defines complicated grief as Prolonged Grief Disorder. The latest…
I’ll Love You Forever Mom “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” Robert Munsch, Love Your Forever Three Years Out After Losing Dylan Originally Published 2016 I Will Love You Forever Mom Memorial Dates It has been 3 years of acute agony, pain, and…
A Poem About Losing a Child: If Earth Were Sky and Sky Above If earth were sky and sky above Then heart could hold this ache of love, Suspended, like rain, in clouds wanting to fall, But bound to sun’s joy because heart touches all. I fall ‘ere so slowly most cannot yet tell My…
As I Tuck You In: A Lullaby for the Child I Lost Lyrics for the Song: As I Tuck You In As I Tuck You In As I tuck you in, I lay me downAs I hold you now, I lift my armsAs I fall asleep, I pray for youMy child, my love, my heart,…
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