Loving Him Past His Pain: Coping with Losing My Son to Suicide
ABOUT THIS POST: Loving Him Past His Pain: Coping With Losing My Son to Suicide echoes deep emotions and powerful storytelling as the author recalls past memories and interlaces them with the present. Through the use of imagery and personal experience, she creates a moving narrative that weaves memories before the suicide loss of her son with her life now, as is, as now.
Loving Him Past His Pain
October Shadows
A gorgeous fall afternoon, early evening
Sun slants wide
Shadows cast and scatter across a stone wall
Oh that I could have loved him past his pain.
Walked a bit ago to the cul-de-sac and then down to the field, following the sun, finding the sun shadowing me, feeling the sun trailing behind. Warm still, though only 60 and chilly. Dropping temperatures. But this is how it goes, is it not? For tomorrow, warmer weather and by week’s end, up into the mid-70’s. But a cooler feel to the air, to the sun, to these days filled with leaves changing color.
Winter is never easy. Depression descends when skies color gray. Days drip with nature falling. Leaves. Limbs. Shedding. Casting off. Letting go a season of growth. Following a rhythmic flow not entirely our own.
A beautiful melancholia of a chorus arranged by angels and a god who loves. Tucking in. Turning in. Turning over. Letting go. Relinquishing. Yielding. Breathing out. Settling in and holing up as days grow shorter.
The Color Orange
I have been missing Dylan dearly. Deeply. Painfully so. Achingly so. It’s the holidays—October, Halloween, costumes, the big bowl of candy by the front door, Dylan’s friends in costume and the three of them trick-or-treating, seeing Dylan grow, change.
The color orange. His second grade “fall book parade” where each student in his class chose to be a character from a book. Chuckie from “The Rugrats.” Halloween parties and cupcakes. Volunteering in the elementary school library. Picking him up from school.
I wasn’t ready to let go. How could I? He was my one and only, the child I loved and protected. My son.
And I couldn’t keep him safe.
Remembering the Love
Tomorrow remembers once-upon-ago. Gorgeous fall day. Bear Farms. My dad still here. Pumpkins and gourds. Red and gold for colors. Promises on a wing. Forever it seemed.
Music and Dylan together woven into music right down to his beginning. Music conservatory, the diligence of practicing scales and arpeggios, strings wearing grooves in my fingers, art and love in my heart.
Oh My Angel, Oh My Dove, On Wings of Hope, I Send You Love
Oh my angel, Oh my dove, On wings of hope, I send you love
I felt happy. Or sick and happy. Pregnancy and I did not get along well. Now I understand why, though not then.
April 17th, his due date. A sturdier month. A more hope-filled month. Spring more than mud. Sun more than sopping rains. Warmth more predictable than onslaught of cold, damp, chilly weather for days on end.
The difference between March 19th (He Came Too Soon) and April 17th seems short, though oh so much in terms of hardiness and hope. His. My own.
Loving Him Past His Pain
I wish I could have loved him past his pain. Loved him past addiction and ache. I wish I could have saved him. But I could not. Did not. Could not. I couldn’t save what he threw away, which in the end, winded up being everything. His body, his talent, his mind, his brain. He damaged all parts of himself to the point of an oblivion from which I couldn’t retrieve him.
He went where he knew I would not be. Could not be. Was not. And in his fleeing me, his search for self took him into a darkness I will never know.
Beth Brown, My Forever Son, Loving Him Past His Pain
Depression
But the depression was there all along. I wish I had seen that. Loved him past a pain that told him to go. But darkness haunts me too. Exhaustively so. Always on the edges frayed, always around the corner of all the chapters of my life. I’ve been trailed, marked, haunted by depression all these years. Bottle-necked. Jammed. Clustered. Stuck in the neck of a bottle I can neither get into nor out of. Trying so hard to live balanced in glass.
And so tonight, I feel this ache. I miss family. My family. My life from then, which is still yet now, though empty–the tangible current of love through touch, scent, taste, activity, life shared and lived parallel, lost forever to what I will never find here. I find this devastating some days. Today, I find its sadness. If only I could have loved him past his pain.
A Poem About Losing a Child to Suicide: I Will Seek Until I Find You
I Will Seek Until I Find You
And where will you run when arms reach
(but you’re not mine)
When I can feel still so strongly
(holding you still in my arms)
From here frantic I search wildly
(but cannot ever now find)
Little one in pictures
(trying hard for one so young)
Standing, but not steady, little hand tucked inside mine
Holding on together climbing moonbeams to the stars
Once upon a time ago—forever
in my mind
I thought us both impervious
(Against the ravages of time)
Oh little one where art thou
Whence I call you once again
Dearest child, still my child on earth
(in a world so vast and big)
You've gone where I can't find you
(and seek still that which did exist)
If God can hear prayers from below
(and you can see me now)
Please know I miss you terribly
(and will seek until I find)
A way to hold you yet again
(your hand yet still tucked in mine)
When fire moon red bloodies
Little star that once was mine
Deepest blue on blackest night
(I will seek until I find)
Little one beside me
(your hand tucked inside mine.)
© Beth Brown, 2022
Find Hope Here: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide
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Bury My Heart: A Book of Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide
About the Book, Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide
Bury My Heart: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide is a collection of original poems, arranged in 5 sections, about losing a child to suicide. Some of the poems in the book can be previewed here: Find Hope Here: Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide
A Deep Sorrow: This section delves into the profound grief experienced by a parent who has lost a child to suicide. The poems within this section explore the overwhelming sadness, emptiness, and despair that accompany such a devastating loss.
Earth, Sky, Moon, Stars: Here, the poems draw upon elements of nature as metaphors to express the pain and longing felt by the bereaved parent. The earth, sky, moon, and stars serve as poignant symbols of the connection between the parent and the lost child, and the void left in the wake of their absence.
Why?: This section grapples with the haunting question that often arises after a child’s suicide: Why did this happen? The poems within this segment navigate the feelings of confusion, guilt, anger, and the overwhelming desire to understand the reasons behind the tragic event.
In Losing You, I Lost Me Too: Exploring the aftermath of the loss, this section reflects the profound impact a child’s suicide has on a parent’s sense of self. The poems delve into themes of identity, self-blame, and the struggle to find meaning and purpose amidst the immense pain.
That My Love Travel With You Always: Conveying a sense of love, longing, and eternal connection, this final section of the book focuses on cherishing the memory of the lost child. The poems here speak to the unending love a parent holds for their departed child, the hope that their spirit finds peace, and the desire to ensure their love travels with them forever.
Healing Words: 3 Free Poems for Coping with the Loss of a Child to Suicide
HEALING WORDS: 3 FREE POEMS FOR COPING WITH THE LOSS OF A CHILD TO SUICIDE: Download 3 free poems about losing a child to suicide here: Healing Words: 3 Free Poems for Coping with the Loss of a Child to Suicide
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