Glistening Snow reflecting sun's prisms in tree shadows in winter, rose bush with brown leaves of winter in foreground, my forever son
Glistening Snow in Tree Shadows, My Forever Son

A Poem About Losing a Child

Where to From Here When Now I Cannot Be?

Ripped here from centre where body birthed son, 
Where son birthed the all of who now I am.

How now to be and where must I go?
When between stars and here I hear your constant echo?
How now to let go what life cannot undo?
How now to hold pain where flesh once cradled you?

A long time ago. 
A story, remembered. 
A story without ending, or so I pretend. 
A story with chapters wanting, begging written, 
-or so-if only you had stayed past life’s reckless discontent

I live instead this absence of you. 
Breathing, sometimes, and not breathing 
when in this, your month, day, and birth 
circle round again earth.

Numbers I did not wish to know inscribed now in bronze
Years fleeing what mattered so that now, flatlined, 
Wonder if even I mattered, a mother once now in time.

Without you, I cannot be, and yet must be, 
because here I am being something to someone, 
yet without solace or distinction save 
Knowing only the pain loves leaves  

All these leaflets of my life hinged
To yours, yet nowhere to be found-you.

I wait here, not breathing, hoping, 
no consciousness of thought, just not really wanting 
to be here at all. That way you must have felt
the night the stars fell from your sky.

Still the moon screams. Still here fall the tears.
Still must I straddle stars, moon, and earth.
Still pound I your heart beating sound against mine.

Still love, mine and yours, holding hearts across time
between here, now, and there where 
stolen by a star, you reach still yet to me.
I wait here, not breathing, 
hoping, no consciousness of thought, 
just not really wanting to be here at all. 
Earth to sky to moon blue and yearning for you. 
Where to from here when now I cannot be? 

©Beth Brown, 2022

Recent Posts

A Poem About Losing My Child: Sorrow Buried in Love

A Poem About Losing My Child: Sorrow Buried in Love Sorrow Buried in Love So swish to sway to sweet lullaby, Baby will fall in dark of the night. Rocking cradle to grave turning truth upside down: Parents die first leaving children behind. In a world topsy-turvy that cannot make sense, Sacred trust shines the…

Continue Reading

Holiday Grief Series: “Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season”

“Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season” By Alan Wolfelt The suggestions below offer practical tips for coping with grief during the holidays. Alan D. Wolfelt, the author of these suggestions, writes prolifically about all aspects of grief. He offers practical suggestions for handling grief (including for teens and kids), and he addresses grief in…

Continue Reading

Living in the Glare of My Son’s Suicide

Living in the Glare Listen to Your Narrative It isn’t wrong, this narrative of yours. Isn’t something to be fixed. Adjusted. Changed. Rewritten. God knows you’d rewrite your narrative if you could. Consider the whole thing a tumultuous, torrid first draft. A rough sketch ill-constructed. The consequence lacking intention. Not giving words, shapes, ideas, even…

Continue Reading


Something went wrong. Please refresh the page and/or try again.

Get new posts delivered to your inbox.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s