Reflections on Dylan’s Birthday
In 9 days, it will be my son’s 24th birthday, here, in earth years. In heaven, it will be Dylan’s 4th year birthday. Here, Dylan will always be 20 years young.
This all seems to me still so surreal, so post-apocalyptic. I can’t find my footing. I am on the wrong road. I’ve gotten lost and somehow, this will all get sorted out and I’ll have my son, my life, back again.
I dream of Dylan often. Right now, my world is turbulent. I have been through this before, 3 years, 3 times, and yet still, the slow plodding and marching on of time over which I have no control, choices ruling and dictating the terms of my life which I did not condone, let alone fathom.
I was swept into the ocean’s dark waters on June 25, 2012 and still I tumble about, sometimes surfacing, sometimes drowning to the beat of my own heart.
Writing Songs and Poems About Losing a Child
I write poems and songs about losing a child because I lost my only son. If you’ve lost a child, then you know the acute pain of grieving your child. It’s impossible, it’s ongoing, and it’s soul searching. I am always thinking about my son, loving and missing him, what could have, should have, would have been. I find hope and healing writing poems and songs. Perhaps in listening and reading, you will, too.
Original Songs About Losing a Child to Suicide
A Lullaby for My Son, “As I Tuck You In (In Heaven’s Care”) My Forever Son
"My Child on Earth Above (In Heaven’s Care) Music & Lyrics: ©Beth Brown As I tuck you in, I lay me down As I hold you now, I lift my arms As I fall asleep, I pray for you My child, my love, my heart, I’m with you too My child, my love, my heart, may God keep and love you And you will be forevermore Safe from this world and so adored And God will be your comforter And I will always thank God for rescuing you And I will always praise God for loving you too And so I live my life in memory Surrendering to God, what now must be But here on earth I know the angels sing When I hear your voice I know God’s listening And I will always be your mother here And I will speak your name for all to hear And God will be with you ’til I get there My child on earth above in heaven’s care My child on earth above in heaven’s care.
A Song About Losing My Child, “You’re Free Now Child,” My Forever Son
You're Free Now Child Music & Lyrics: ©Beth Brown I can't see where you've gone And I don't know how to just go on Without you can't find my way Don't know where to go or what to say How to breathe without you now When it aches upon my soul In my heart, you live forever, with me by my side In my life, you're all I ever wanted My child, my one true love Without you here, each day that passes is just another day I must survive How to keep on keeping on How to open up my eyes Again to see what God has done You're free now child of mine to fly So rest on easy fly on by Soul travel now to be with God My dearest child, my heart of mine Know I'll be there when it's time I miss you more than words More than galaxies are wide I long to hold you as you were To have you reach across inside To where you live forever And to where I hold you close for life How to keep on keeping on How to open up my eyes Again to see what God has done You're free now child of mine to fly So rest on easy fly on by Soul travel now to be with God My dearest child, my heart of mine Know I'll be there when it's time Lyrics, You're Free Now Child Beth Brown
I Will Seek Until I Find You And where will you run when arms reach (but you’re not mine) When I can feel still so strongly (holding you still in my arms) From here frantic I search wildly (but cannot ever now find) Little one in pictures (trying hard for one so young) Standing, but not steady, little hand tucked inside mine Holding on together climbing moonbeams to the stars Once upon a time ago—forever in my mind I thought us both impervious (Against the ravages of time) Oh little one where art thou Whence I call you once again Dearest child, still my child on earth (in a world so vast and big) You've gone where I can't find you (and seek still that which did exist) If God can hear prayers from below (and you can see me now) Please know I miss you terribly (and will seek until I find) A way to hold you yet again (your hand yet still tucked in mine) When fire moon red bloodies Little star that once was mine Deepest blue on blackest night (I will seek until I find) Little one beside me (your hand tucked inside mine.) © Beth Brown, 2022