Coping with Holiday Grief: Self-Care Tips to Navigate the Season

There’s no right or wrong way to spend the holidays. We may be feeling some guilt about not wanting or being able to carry out our usual traditions. Try to free yourself from judgment (whether it’s your own or the voices of others) this holiday season. It’s okay to say, “I won’t be doing that this year.” You don’t have to decide whether you will ever do that again for the holidays; you just need to get through this year. You may feel differently (and decide differently) next year.

Caring for your mental health may look different this holiday season

Caring for your mental health may look different this holiday season. Maybe part of caring for your mental health is about what you don’t do this holiday season. One aspect of taking care of your mental health involves proactively reducing stressors when you are able: both those in the present, and those you may see coming. We have all succumbed to the pressure of buying gifts that we can’t afford, only to face looming bills in January as a result. Perhaps this is the year to try an alternate tradition that does not involve spending. Write someone a note telling them what they mean to you, for example, and let them know you aren’t exchanging gifts this year. Caring for your mental health is also about authentically letting people know what they can do to help you. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, even if it means departing from usual traditions or skipping them this year. Enlist those around you to help carry out the traditions you want to keep, such as asking others to help with meal preparation or plans

Set healthy boundaries to protect your mental well-being

Set healthy boundaries to protect your mental well-being. You may have something you are dreading this holiday season. Perhaps you feel obligated to spend time with certain individuals, knowing that you will leave those interactions feeling worse. The only true obligation you have is to take care of yourself this holiday season. While we can’t control the actions of others, we can limit our exposure to interactions (people and places) that leave us feeling worse about the days ahead.  Setting healthy boundaries is an act of self-love, and you deserve that this holiday season. If you are estranged from family, stay connected to your “family of choice” instead – those who support you and allow you to express yourself authentically.

It’s okay to feel both love and loss over the holidays

It’s okay to feel both love and loss over the holidays. A gift you can give yourself this year is allowing emotional space for your feelings, whatever they may be. You can appreciate what you have this holiday, while also feeling deeply saddened by what has been lost. You can experience love toward those not present while missing their presence terribly. You can feel both fearful and hopeful. There is room for all of your feelings, and they don’t cancel each other out when you allow yourself to experience all of them. Journal, talking with a trusted friend, and engaging support groups or therapy are all things you can do to help you express those feelings.

It’s okay to not be okay this holiday season

It’s okay to not be okay this holiday season. All your feelings this season are valid, including those that are difficult or unexpected. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes. A good goal this season is not to try to feel happy throughout, but to allow your authentic feelings to surface and get support when needed to cope with them.  Also remember that feelings can change over time, especially in their intensity. You will find that in sharing your feelings, you are not alone. The holidays are an excellent time to explore joining a support group (many are online/virtual these days) or start therapy to help process those feelings. 

Doreen Marshall, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention