hope in spring represented in a photo of a pink blooming branch of flowers
Hope in Early Spring

“Bury My Heart”

(for Dylan)

 
Bury my heart
I’ve come undone
Sorting through this life
My son left behind.

And what I’m seeking I know
I’ll never find
His touch, his smile—
His still living his life.

And so instead I sift through
A still life dream
My heart and life with him
Forever it seemed.

And oh my son
I’m still paralyzed
In the grief you left me
8 years behind.

Where canst I go?
Whom canst I see?
When all I want with you
Is forever to be.

And how my heart keeps on beating
Is a mystery to all
For without you beside me
I live suspended in time.

I live now life backwards
My heart beating in time,
To the life that we lived
When you, child, were mine.

Try as I might
I can’t seem to live,
For my dreams all belonged
To your future forward lived.

And so where now I goeth
And where knoweth I dwell,
Once again and all over
Life without you is hell.

I ache without breathing
For to breathe is to die,
Once again and all over
Without you in my life. 

by Beth Brown (for Dylan)

“Bury My Heart” ©Beth Brown, 2021

My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After the Death of My Son By Suicide

Where to Find Support, Resources, and Hope-Losing a Child to Suicide

Perhaps the figure is reeling from a loss so catastrophic that all one can do is scream to sky, to stars, to sun–to wherever forever is, to where forever is out of reach forever again.

Beth Brown, My Forever Son, From Sorrow to Joy: How Pain Colors Loss

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The Pain of Suicide: It’s Not About Wanting to Die, It’s About Wanting to Live

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The Pain of Suicide Video: Learning More About Suicide 10 Commonalities of Suicide Below are 10 commonalities of suicide, identified by suicide expert, Edwin Shneidman, author of The Suicidal Mind. The common purpose of suicide is to seek a solution: A suicidal person is seeking a solution to a problem that is “generating intense suffering”…

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Rising Up-Because Love Lives Forever

Rising Up because… Love lives forever. My son lives yet still. I will be with Dylan again. As long I live, Dylan lives too. Dylan lives on through all that I am. Dylan’s voice is now my own. Beth Brown, My Forever Son Rising Up because… I will not let the world forget my son…

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Purple flower

Surviving Suicide Grief: “Does the Pain Ever End?”

The Pain Does Change “To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to behere and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain doeschange, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoylife again. It will never be like before but the crushing, allconsuming pain […]

“I Will Seek Until I Find You”-A Poem About Losing a Child

I Will Seek Until I Find You I Will Seek Until I Find You And where will you run when arms reach (but you’re not mine) When I can feel still so strongly (holding you still in my arms) From here frantic I search wildly (but cannot ever now find) Little one in pictures (trying […]

Dylan Andrew Brown, My Forever Son

Oh the memories, little one-oh the memories

"As I Tuck You In"

As I tuck you in, I lay me down
As I hold you now, I lift my arms
As I fall asleep, I pray for you
My child, my love, my heart, I’m with you too

My child, my love, my heart, May God keep and love you
And you will be forevermore
Safe from this world and so adored
And God will be your comforter

And I will always thank God for rescuing you
And I will always praise God for loving you too

And so I live my life in memory
Surrendering to God, what now must be
But here on earth I know the angels sing
When I hear your voice I know God’s listening

And I will always be your mother here
And I will speak your name for all to hear
And God will be with you ’til I get there
My child on earth above in heaven’s care

My child on earth above in heaven’s care

Beth Brown, "As I Tuck You In," My Forever Son
“As I Tuck You In” by Beth Brown, Dylan’s Mom
  • Surviving Suicide Grief: “Does the Pain Ever End?”

    Purple flower

    The Pain Does Change “To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to behere and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain doeschange, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoylife again. It will never be like before but the crushing, allconsuming pain […]

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  • “I Will Seek Until I Find You”-A Poem About Losing a Child

    I Will Seek Until I Find You I Will Seek Until I Find You And where will you run when arms reach (but you’re not mine) When I can feel still so strongly (holding you still in my arms) From here frantic I search wildly (but cannot ever now find) Little one in pictures (trying […]

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red rose in full bloom close up

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By Beth Brown

Rememberer of dreams. Whisperer of gardens green.
At the whim of "Most Beloved" and a hot cup of tea.
I live life between, straddled here now and then,
My continuity through writing--
Pen dripping ink, mind swirling confused,
Love lingering still, and Most Beloved's purring soothes.

Blogger at "Gardens at Effingham" (where cats do the talking) and "My Forever Son" (where a mother's heart runs deep after losing her son to suicide)
Musician. Writer. Literary Connoisseur.
At the whim of a calico cat and a strong cup of tea.

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