My Forever Son
Losing a Child to Suicide: A Mother’s Journey of Devastating Grief, Loss, Love, and Hope
Reflections on Dylan’s Birthday
In 9 days, it will be my son’s 24th birthday, here, in earth years. In heaven, it will be Dylan’s 4th year birthday.
This all seems to me still so surreal, so post-apocalyptic. I can’t find my footing. I am on the wrong road. I’ve gotten lost and somehow, this will all get sorted out and I’ll have my son, my life, back again.
I dream of Dylan often. Right now, my world is turbulent. I have been through this before, 3 years, 3 times, and yet still, the slow plodding and marching on of time over which I have no control, choices ruling and dictating the terms of my life which I did not condone, let alone fathom.
I was swept into the ocean’s dark waters on June 25, 2012 and still I tumble about, sometimes surfacing, sometimes drowning to the beat of my own heart.
The song below epitomizes the stunning reality of losing someone we know and love to suicide. No accolades or lists of accomplishments, no praise or glory for a life well lived, no acknowledgment of the beauty of the person lost to this death, just an obit, a quick story, so much of the time with the details deleted, the lie by omission.
A Song by Blaine Lawson:
“How Do You Get that Lonely?“
"It was just another story printed on the second page Underneath the Tiger's football score It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age They found him face down on his bedroom floor There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone... How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all Is better than the life that you had How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun? Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol? Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son? Did no one see the writing on the wall? I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand... How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all Is better than the life that you had How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows It was just another story printed on the second page Underneath the Tiger's football score..."
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If Only a mother’s love could have saved you,
If only she had heard your heart cry,
She could save you yet both together,
Take back that night we fell from the sky.Beth Brown