Memories of You
I remember sitting with you at the kitchen table, pouring over cookie recipe books, asking “Does this sound good? Just listen” And we would make a list, a long list, of cookies to bake.
A decade of grief
Walking through hell on earth without you. There is an ache, a sadness, the heaviness of accepting this absence of you that, just for today, has taken the overture of 10 years in the making. In three weeks, my birthday, remarkable in that I have survived these last 10 years without you. In the beginning, I didn’t think I could.
I lost my identity when you died, and in so many ways, I’m still losing you. And with the sweep of my birthday? Yet more losing, slipping away, forward, forward, the spinning incessant, the days numbered and yet not knowing when time will mark forever stamped with the permanence of death. I hate that I think like this, but Dylan, kiddo, you died and changed everything about my life.
I miss you more than words can write, more than heart can rend, and still, even after 10 years, I most want to be with you. Lacking your permanence, I falter in my own. It is difficult to finish anything of consequence, for always I’m left feeling I’ve an unfinished life. Chapters, pages, story line, plot, the rise and then fall, denouement, all of it missing in a way that I will not ever make sense of this life again.
I do not like living in a book unfinished, and yet I am unfinished, an anguished truth where some days seem impossible. Your birthday looms, then Mother’s Day, then your Memorial Date, then back-to-school and all those seasons I find so difficult to move through: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve. I forever miss the you that is me, and I forever miss the me that died with you.
Lost without you
Where are you?
A decade of tears
Ache. Pain. Gaining traction these past 10 years, eroding bits and pieces of me in ways that I can both feel and see. Damage done beyond my means, I have found a way to go on, though so often feel I am living out someone else’s life.
I linger, but it is not I who is doing the living. She who I’ve built these past 10 years stands in my place. Such is my life now and sometimes? Sometimes I am genuinely happy. Sometimes, which is good enough for now. Let me stay in the soliloquy here, serenity in whiteness of snow, beauty in having made an exquisite Black Bean soup for supper. Hope finds me most when I practice being grateful for the small things of an ordinary day.
Here, just for now, I stay here now. I am grateful for this place, a pause after a chaotic several months of the rest of the world spinning out of control. My heart’s joy, my life’s light, the book of my life-I wish so much you had stayed to live past the chapters of pain. I wish I could have done more to help heal wounds that I bore (and still bear) too. I miss you so much my son.
So many days, so much time having passed and yet still as it has been still these past 10 years. Sometimes, it’s as though I am in some kind of fog, a fog, a thick, can’t-see-clear kind of Where did you go, my child, where did you go?
Were you? Are you? Where are you?
The Pain Does Change “To those of you that still feel you aren’t even sure you want to behere and you can’t imagine ever being happy again. The pain doeschange, it softens. You will want to live again and be able to enjoylife again. It will never be like before but the crushing, allconsuming pain…Read More
My Forever Son-My Beloved Dylan Suicide Shocks and Shatters Suicide changes everything. Immediately. Suddenly. Completely. Shattering everything. All is outside the natural order of the circle of life. And when a young person dies by suicide? When a young man or woman takes their life, all who knew them gasp in shock. The means of…Read More
The following resources, book lists, narratives from parents who have lost a child to suicide, support groups, and more are meant to be a resource bank. Many have helped me keep on keeping on these past nine years of grieving.Read More
“He Left Too Soon” (Derecho) He Left Too Soon He left too soon— Lifting life from June, Casting torrents of rain His absence— Breath of pain whose exhale can only bring Heart heaving, this beating of tears Breaking loose— All hell in earth’s upturned rupture, Death shoveling shadows over me As I bend to lay…Read More
Songs Of Love, Loss, and Hope After Losing a Child My Child on Earth Above In Heaven’s Care My Child On Earth Above In Heaven’s Care: A Lullaby for My Son And I will always be your mother hereAnd I will speak your name for all to hearAnd God will be with you ’til I…Read More
I Will Seek Until I Find You I Will Seek Until I Find YouAnd where will you run when arms reach (but you’re not mine)When I can feel still so strongly (holding you still in my arms) From here frantic I search wildly (but cannot ever now find)Little one in pictures (trying hard for one…Read More
That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back That All of Love Could Sweep Time Back Should’ve, Would’ve, Could’ve, If I’d only Come to See, That might I future forward live To see all eternity. That I might know when and where somehow, And here and now then see, To erase the dark and stay…Read More
If You’ve Lost a Child to Suicide, These Resources May Be Helpful Few things can so devastate us as the suicide of a loved one, especially of one’s own child. Fr Ron Rolheiser Seven Resources for Support If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. (Or 1-800-273-8255 (TALK).…Read More
Surviving Your Child’s Suicide Suicide is Not a Choice Current research absolutely supports the validity of mental illness. Current research and researchers in the mental health field know indelibly that suicide is not a choice your child makes. Beth Brown, My Forever Son Stopping the Stigma of Suicide The Stigma of Suicide As much as…Read More
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