Categories
Child Loss Healing Hope

After the Dust Settles: Rising Up in the Wake of the Heartbreak of Losing a Child

Rising Up

Because I know Love Never Dies
Because I know my son lives yet still
Because I have hope that I will be with Dylan again
Because I will not go quietly
Because Dylan lives on through all that I am
Because his voice is now my voice
 

Rising Up

Because I lost my son to suicide at the precious young age of just-turned 20 
     
Because I have learned to live with a child in heaven (which equates to my being only present here, but there, in heaven with Dylan, finding my heart and true joy)

Because I have had to scrounge and scrape together and assemble, one breath at a time, a means of keeping on keeping on

Because I find I am quite alone in my surroundings on this journey

Because I have had to lay out the trappings of a way of life unstudied, unmapped, quite foreign to most
Close up photo of pink peony, My Forever Son
Pink Peony, My Forever Son

 

 Rising Up


Because I will not let the world forget my son lived! Dylan Andrew Brown lived and breathed and brought joy, depth, and a richness of life to so many

Because I am not afraid to die

Because I have already experienced the worst day of my life–the day my son took his life

Because I have already met with seemingly impossible circumstances–viewing my beloved son in a casket, burying his ashes at a memorial gardens where so many of my older family members are buried–great-grandparents, grandparents, great aunts and uncles, my own father who died at 61

Rising Up

Because I laid to rest my son with my father in the same grave, sharing the same grave, and because I remember when Dylan was young and my dad adored his grandson

Because I am having to reinvent and invent anew absolutely everything about my life now

Because there are no templates for my way of living

Because in the midst of great darkness, I can only live if I can learn to see

Because I know I will see my son again when God sees fit and it is time

Rising Up

♥ Because I am his mom! I have always and will always love and talk about my son

♥ Because I know my son lives on–just not here on this plane, in this realm, on this earth as I so know it

♥ Because I find him yet still in so many ways

Because I know what it is to endure great suffering and longing and missing

Rising Up because I can choose. I know for Dylan that he did not have this choice. 

I walk the bittersweet. I carry the weight of this life’s journey. And even though mine is a heavy load carrying always her child who died by suicide, I walk proudly and with love knowing Dylan forever etched his soul into mine. I carry on carrying on because in the rising, I carry Dylan too. We are one. Always were. Always will be. And some day, some day we will be together again.

Happy birthday little one. Forever 20, but this year, March 19th, 2016, 24 years old on earth. Loving you more than breath–




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Photo of a few scattered fall leaves in orange, red, brown, and yellow on brick sidewalk

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