"I’ll Love You Forever Mom"

I’ll Love You Forever Mom

It has been 3 years of acute agony, pain, and the hell of grieving the loss of my only child to suicide. Beautiful, albeit bittersweet memories come sweeping in and across the landscape of my heart and soul and body, and for a precious moment in time, I am reminded of and surrounded by all the precious love bonds between Dylan and me.

Other times, I am caught off guard in deep, deep ache and heart-wrenching pain. My child is dead. Dylan is dead. Tears always come, not always publicly, as I am sometimes able to make it to my car, or leave where I am to go home, other times I just let the tears fall. I still sob after three years, just not as long and usually on my own, although this is not always the case. My cat comes to me when I cry. She circles my feet until I pick her up, then tucks into me. Perhaps Dylan is with me still. . .

Yesterday, I found a Mother’s Day card from 2012. Dylan would dead within a month a couple of weeks post Mother’s Day. It is bright orange, Dylan’s favorite color as a child, and it is beautiful. I wasn’t looking for the card, and it kind of just appeared. I saw it sticking out of a pile of other cards and things I’ve been intending to sort, organize, and put in a keepsake box. 

Dylan and me–1992

The card says “mom, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t need your love and support. . .and I can’t imagine a time when I won’t. Happy Mother’s Day With Love” and Dylan signed it “I’ll love you forever mom. Love Dylan.”

Oh child, I love you forever too–

That did me in. It’s now on my desk beside me, propped open to the “I’ll love you forever mom, Love, Dylan”

He knew, he just couldn’t tell me. I love him so much still, always, forever. Love doesn’t die. It is only this interim between now and when I get to see him again that brings ache and sadness and a constant heavy heart.

Beth, Dylan’s Mom
March 19, 1992-June 25, 2012
Forever my heart, my wings, my love

By Beth Brown

Rememberer of dreams. Whisperer of gardens green.
At the whim of "Most Beloved" and a hot cup of tea.
I live life between, straddled here now and then,
My continuity through writing--
Pen dripping ink, mind swirling confused,
Love lingering still, and Most Beloved's purring soothes.

Blogger at "Gardens at Effingham" (where cats do the talking) and "My Forever Son" (where a mother's heart runs deep after losing her son to suicide)
Musician. Writer. Literary Connoisseur.
At the whim of a calico cat and a strong cup of tea.