Black and white photo of my son, Dylan Andrew Brown
Dylan Andrew Brown, My Forever Son

I Want It All Back

I Remember-
Sitting in the car and crying after I took you to kindergarten for the first time.
I had to let go–
I still don’t want to let go.

Beth Brown, My Forever Son

Saturday Night

Saturday night and I just miss Dylan–everything, intensely.

I want it all back–Dylan and our Luci (our gray cat) flopped on the couch: gaming, ensconced in the comedy channel, the history channel, his friends coming over for pizza and to game and play music. I want it all back. Dylan here, just here.


January 2010 at Grandma’s house, Grandpa Brown is on the computer screen, the Dylan we all know and love, My Forever Son

Memories: The Growing Up Years

Black and white photo of Dylan Andrew Brown, 15 months old, the author's son, climbing the stairs and looking back straight into the camera at his mom. Photographed for My Forever Son: Chronicling Grief, Hope, and Healing After Losing My Son to Suicide, "My Child on Earth Above, In Heaven's Care" song and lullaby by Beth Brown

Dylan, My Forever Son
As I Tuck You In: A Lullaby for My Son, ©Beth Brown, My Forever Son, 2023

I Remember

I remember giggles and smiles, Mickey Mouse and Blue’s Clues, and the way you clapped with delight when you saw the chocolate cake for your 1st birthday.

I Remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and laughing over “Who’s Line is it Anyway?” Power Rangers. Your blue and white diamond-checkered costume, replete with Power Ranger sword, jumping from the top stair and my catching you just in time.

I remember Froggie and Small Pig, Henry and Midge, the Rugrats (Chuckie) and Charlie Brown, school classroom parties with Halloween costumes and all that candy (chocolate always was your favorite).

Reynoldsburg High School marching band, Dylan playing alto saxophone
Dylan in Marching Band Playing Saxophone, My Forever Son

I Walk Past Your Room

I walk past your room to memories of you playing Call of Duty on your computer, to memories of empty pepperoni pizza boxes stuffed under your bed, and to finding your Nike sneakers with laces untied. I can still hear the way your footsteps sounded on the hardwood floorboards that creaked.

Dylan with His Aquarium, My Forever Son

An Aquarium Full of Fish

Dylan with braces and an aquarium full of fish. In December of 2004, we had a fierce ice storm that knocked out our power for 9 days. The fish? Well, they didn’t survive. This is the year Dylan got an X-Box, his first, for Christmas, but there was no electricity! Dylan was upset, but to me, it’s one of my most memorable Christmas’s with him. He and I camped out in Grandma and Grandpa’s living room near their gas fireplace and played board games.

I could hold you for a million years. Dylan, spring, 2012
Dylan, Age 18, My Forever Son

Mosaic and Girls

I remember all the coffee you drank your senior year of high school, the way Emily gave you rides to school, how much you liked being in the Mosaic School.

And in looking back, I remember the way the darkness fell around you, seemingly teenage angst, in reality full-fledged depression. I remember the way you lost interest in playing in band and going out for sports. I remember the way you were painfully shy with girls, and the girl who broke your heart when you were 14.

I remember the girl you had a crush on starting from fifth grade through the rest of your life.

But most of all? I remember you, Dylan, I remember you.


Index: My Forever Son

Index: My Forever Son This index provides a well-structured and user-friendly way to navigate through the content in the My Forever Son blog. Think of it as a helpful guide, carefully organizing the content into headings, subheadings, keywords, and brief descriptions. With this index, you can quickly and efficiently find exactly what you’re looking for.…

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Table of Contents: My Forever Son

Table of Contents: My Forever Son Parents Who Lose a Child to Suicide Losing a child to suicide is an unimaginable and heart-wrenching tragedy that no parent should ever have to endure. The pain, confusion, and overwhelming sense of loss can be completely overwhelming, leaving parents with a profound sense of grief that is difficult…

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What Happened?

What Happened? He Left Too Soon-A Poem about Losing a Child to Suicide He Left Too Soon He left too soon, lifting life from June, Casting torrents of rain, and in his absence, heaving beating of tears. I knew him from his first breath to his last.   He came a month early on cusp…

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Help, Hope, Healing After Suicide Loss: Support, Books, Resources

Help, Hope, Healing After Suicide Loss: Support, Books, Resources Few things can so devastate us as the suicide of a loved one, especially of one’s own child. Ron Rolheiser, When Someone is Too Bruised to Be Touched Support After Suicide Loss If You’ve Lost a Loved One to Suicide, These Resources May Be Helpful If…

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11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe

11 Years After Suicide Loss: I Still Want to Believe About This Poem Hope and Loss I Still Want to Believe is a poem that reflects on my grief and longing for my son who died by suicide. The poem captures my desire to believe in hope and the pain of carrying the darkness of…

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Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide

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