I Want It All Back

I Want It All Back

I Remember-
Sitting in the car and crying after I took you to kindergarten for the first time.
I had to let go–
I still don’t want to let go.

Beth Brown, My Forever Son

Saturday Night

Saturday night and I just miss Dylan–everything, intensely.

I want it all back–Dylan and our Luci (our gray cat) flopped on the couch: gaming, ensconced in the comedy channel, the history channel, his friends coming over for pizza and to game and play music. I want it all back. Dylan here, just here.

Memories: The Growing Up Years

I Remember

I remember giggles and smiles, Mickey Mouse and Blue’s Clues, and the way you clapped with delight when you saw the chocolate cake for your 1st birthday.

I Remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and laughing over “Who’s Line is it Anyway?” Power Rangers. Your blue and white diamond-checkered costume, replete with Power Ranger sword, jumping from the top stair and my catching you just in time.

I remember Froggie and Small Pig, Henry and Midge, the Rugrats (Chuckie) and Charlie Brown, school classroom parties with Halloween costumes and all that candy (chocolate always was your favorite).

Reynoldsburg High School marching band, Dylan playing alto saxophone

I Walk Past Your Room

I walk past your room to memories of you playing Call of Duty on your computer, to memories of empty pepperoni pizza boxes stuffed under your bed, and to finding your Nike sneakers with laces untied. I can still hear the way your footsteps sounded on the hardwood floorboards that creaked.

An Aquarium Full of Fish

Dylan with braces and an aquarium full of fish. In December of 2004, we had a fierce ice storm that knocked out our power for 9 days. The fish? Well, they didn’t survive. This is the year Dylan got an X-Box, his first, for Christmas, but there was no electricity! Dylan was upset, but to me, it’s one of my most memorable Christmas’s with him. He and I camped out in Grandma and Grandpa’s living room near their gas fireplace and played board games.

I could hold you for a million years. Dylan, spring, 2012

Mosaic and Girls

I remember all the coffee you drank your senior year of high school, the way Emily gave you rides to school, how much you liked being in the Mosaic School.

And in looking back, I remember the way the darkness fell around you, seemingly teenage angst, in reality full-fledged depression. I remember the way you lost interest in playing in band and going out for sports. I remember the way you were painfully shy with girls, and the girl who broke your heart when you were 14.

I remember the girl you had a crush on starting from fifth grade through the rest of your life.

But most of all? I remember you, Dylan, I remember you.

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Poems About Losing a Child to Suicide